The Big Mistake We Make in Relationships

I'm on the trail of inflammatory blog posts. Let's see if I can keep the ball rolling ;)

Today, I'm here to talk about the big mistake we make in relationships. Marriage, in specific, I'd go so far to say. 

I've read a lot of blogs, many from the female perspective, talking about things they've given up, things they've learned, and things they are still working on as newly weds. 

This is all good. No one should go into marriage and be in denial when they make mistakes and/or go about learning from them. (side note: generally speaking, it's good to learn from mistakes ;))

Facing mistakes and sinful nature and hardship and issues and all that good stuff? Facing it all with the willingness to learn and grow and do your very best for God first, spouse second?

Spot on.

So... where's the big mistake?

The big mistake comes when we expect and accept to be disappointed, let down, or settle for less in our marriages.

I came across a blog post the other day, and what I was reading DID make sense- but in the most horrible way possible.

Disappointment on a daily basis from your spouse?

Wait. What?

What happened to the wedding vows? You know, the hipster, pintrest style vows that go 3 pages in about how 'I will love and cherish and always be the encouraging wife you deserve' and how 'you will always be my first priority and tomorrow will always be better than today'?

If we say these words on the day we vow before God, why then do we tell newly weds and soon-to-be-lassoed in marriage folks that they should EXPECT to be disappointed? 

Another blogger noted that we should not expect our spouses to be Christ. 

True. We shouldn't. I don't remember God opening the skies and telling me that Jacob was the new christ figure in my life, and I don't think anyone else has ever had such an experience with their significant other.

HOWEVER. Let me make one thing clear.

We are not to expect our spouses to be Christ... and we are also not to expect them to be sinners.

I can see some of you shaking your heads at my heretical lunacy.

But we're all sinners! Not expecting your spouse to be a sinner if setting unrealistic standards! 

And the dark cloud of disappointment seems to be rolling in again.

Let me clarify further: For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is a gift from God, Ephesians 2:8-9.

We are sinners. But because of God's grace, we are given the chance to be made new in him.

This means, we should live differently. The way we speak, dress, interact, communicate, share, love, and live should reflect the change in our lives.

So no. I will not expect Jacob to be God in our marriage. However, I will also not expect him to be a sinner.

We already communicate about these things.

We set high standards for each other, meaning I am accountable to him and he is accountable to me. This ranges from getting things done on time, being wise with money, getting enough sleep, doing those workouts we don't want to, and remembering the importance of prayer and faith in seemingly impossible mental blocks.

So no. Neither of us are Christ. However, I refuse to live my life as a sinner. I have been called out.

Though our natures our sinful, Jacob and I believe God is deserving of our best efforts- through our seeking Him in pursuit of bringing him glory.

If Jacob expects me to do the dishes every day because that's what we agreed on, then guess who will be doing the dishes??

And if, for some reason, I became too sick, had the worst day ever and was physically unable to do the dishes, or by some miraculous reason, forgot (because I hear even sinners forgiven by God do such things ;)), I would expect Jacob to show forgiveness and understanding, not be disappointed in that situation.

And yes, the hypotheticals could go on and on, and yes, I'm sure someone just read through that and found some flaw, but you understand what I mean.

It's not about expecting to be disappointed in your spouse. It's about you and your spouse acknowledging that you are both sinners SAVED by grace, both on the path to do your best to serve God and bring him glory through your marriage.

Will you mess up?

Will you feel disappointed?

Yes. But we shouldn't advocate these things as 'acceptable', 'expected', or 'normal'.

It is a mistake to expect your spouse to be Christ. 

It is also a mistake to permit the both of you to act like Christ hasn't saved you both.

Continuously seek God and communicate with your significant other about things. It's not a 50/50, it's a 100/100. You need to be giving 100 percent to your spouse AND God. 

It is your mission. When you slip up, your spouse encourages and helps you up. Eyes on the prize which God has set for us... not on the mistakes that we use to identify sinful behavior.

I'm not married yet. But just like an overweight person needs to keep their mindset before, during, and after weight loss, a single person needs to keep their mindset, communication, and expectations the same before marriage: and that is to keep them both Godly, and high.

Fat people don't get skinny by expecting to stay fat.

Questions? Comments?

Let's hear it!

Why Do We Set Low Standards for Marriage?

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer, Psalm 19:14


I realize that a lot of readers of this blog are probably considering my standpoint on a good deal of things as unrealistic. Especially those who are already married! I mean, let's be honest, have I experienced the things they have? Have I faced the financial, the emotional, or the every day problems and mess ups that they have?

Absolutely not. And my take on such issues isn't very grey.

Fighting in marriage? Absolutely not. It's NOT necessary and NO, it's not healthy.

****Dying to Self? Absolutely not... not the way most people are thinking, anyways. You are not a martyr. However, the conscious loving, patience, humility, and selflessness of seeking Christian hearts will make a marriage turn from martyrdom to a portrait of God's grace, led by a God who is greater and more than we deserve.

Living in the 'Real World' and accepting lives of dull drudgery? Absolutely not. Our 'real world' is not this world. We are to live in and not of this earth- meaning when things get hard, we remember who is with us, for us, and who is our savior... through the big and the little things.

I openly call out my generation and ask: why do we set such low standards for our marriages?

Why do accept that fighting is okay? Where in the Bible does it say that bitter words, becoming violently angry, or blaming another person to the point of severe verbal conflict is okay?

Why do we allow ourselves to play the martyr? It is Jesus Christ that saves us, not our 'dying to self'. Yes, we are to give up this world and our nature in pursuit of God, but this doesn't give us the right to assume we're on the level of picking up a cross and bleeding along side the son of God.

Why do we let the little things slide, but when issues close to heart or the 'big, real life' problems cross our path, we panic and face anxiety and depression? Does God not see to the big, little, silly, and every other type of problem? And does he not take care of us through it all (Matthew 6:26)?

Planning this wedding has been extremely rewarding and a joy. I promised myself I would NOT become a wedding wild woman, but I would enjoy the process in every way.

Have there been problems? Have there been tough things to decide?

Of course. If you have family members and future family members to invite from about 5 different states, and immediate families of 8 and 9 respectively, and your mother-in-law-to-be is in a different state (which means any consulting or questions is a process!), and you're trying to cater, decorate, rent a building, design invitations and programs, and pay for the whole thing relatively speaking by yourself, things are bound to get messed up or mixed up or SOMETHING.

But even as we've struggled to figure things out, or my brain has been on overload from working 3-4 hours a day on wedding stuff and going straight to work until 7pm or 8pm at night, even as it's been very hard without Jacob here... I know in my heart of hearts that God will take care of us and that he will handle all these unknowns.

Have I always been peppy and wildly happy through it all? No! But I refuse to let myself get mad. Frustrated at times, yes. Lonely, yes. Tearful, because some of the problems seem very big. But not hopeless, because my God is the God of the universe... and he loves me more than I could ever define.

Life IS hard. I will not give the impression that setting higher standards for marriage and relationships and life is easy. It is HARD. You will mess up sometimes. You will lose faith. Things will get busy and tough and turn out ways you never expected. 

But staying in the word of God, praying, keeping your eyes and mind on things above, remembering how God has been faithful before... this is how we stay on track and turn what most people would consider impossible into a lifestyle set on pursuing excellence for Christ.

Am I being unrealistic? Am I setting impossible standards? Do I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about? Comments and questions are welcome!

****See below in comments for my rational behind the 'dying to self'.

Buddy Holly and a Million Other Things Happening Today

I like listening to Buddy Holly.

While reading how to potentially renew my license online.

While doing laundry.

While emailing our photographer on what photos I want to have at the wedding.

While finding addresses for some such people.

While icing various parts of my body.

While calling and filing for insurance.

While re-stacking all the boxes in my room (lots, lots, and lots of boxes).

While feeding cats.

While discussing the timeline between "Sixteen Candles" and Buddy Holly.

Buddy Holly is important, I guess.

While asking whether or not an extra 6 hours of driving is worth it when you're already planning a 13 hour drive.

While thinking that by golly, it's been a whole hour. Maybe I should eat again.

Oh. And I still need to buy stamps.

Happy, busy brain today.

I also feel a lot like a little kid when the mailman comes. So. I've grown accustomed run outside in my bare feet and hope I get some exciting package. Heck, I've spent enough George Washingtons, I will be as excited as I want to!

Hm. So 73 days. And this what my mind feels like.

And registries are fun after the first 24 hours- the first 24 hours are icky. But worth it. Especially if you have food.

"Oh, you're getting married? How's that going?"

"Great! It's been a lot of fun!"

"So when is the wedding?"

"This October!"

"THIS OCTOBER?!?!?!" (cue foaming at the mouth and shaking violently before dropping stone dead)

What else... oh yes! Knowing your dress is going to look JUST as you imagined is a lovely, lovely thing.

And getting wedding bands that are 10,000 times more amazing then you expected?? It makes the 56.32392584 hours you spent researching metals and stones or no stones and how expensive and what not.

And that's all I have time to say right now! But thank you for all the prayers and texts and emails and facebooking and such- I'm very grateful (and busy, but still!) for all those who are following along with us and we wait to see what God's plan is for the future Mr. And Mrs. Clifton.

Here's to licking envelopes!