Part Twenty Seven: What Next?

"And to your favorite song, 

we sang along to the start of forever..."

-Paramore

Trip #6 has come and gone. The funny part is, each trip has SO much build up and then... it's gone. But there's one thing to be glad about, I suppose: I'm onto another countdown!

Leading up to trip #6 was interesting, to say the least. The week after I returned from my trip, I was scheduled to head over to Portsmouth, NH for my first ever Crossfit competition- something that was both a distraction from my 'I miss Jacob' grumpiness, but also a conductor. I was stressed and scared and it made me miss him all the more.

For my first competition I did pretty well- 4th in my division (never mind how poorly the judging was, or the fact that people cheated... still. It was a good experience!). I got rather lost on the way home, came home feeling like a truck hit me, and spent the next few days wondering if I was going to die.

Once the excitement and nonsense of that wore off, things kinda suck into a sad, dark little valley. I was writing a new curriculum for a nunchuck program I'm starting up in 2014, Jacob was at the end of football (and appropriately dealing with everything that entailed, including a never ending ankle injury), I was teaching martial arts, he was teaching math, and it felt like November 9th would NEVER come. There were lots of sniffles (more than I care to admit). There were days I felt like I couldn't take it. It wasn't much fun.

The week before departure week, I had come off of a very long, very emotional weekend. I was overly pondersome and unable to focus on a darn thing. I kept wondering if I was still supposed to be in NH, if I wasn't supposed to pack up and go to NC. I didn't know if I was in the right place at all and it made everything purposeless.

The idea of 'bloom where you're planted' just didn't come naturally to me. If I was in a temporary 'planting' zone, I didn't want to bloom at all. I didn't see the point. There was no one to see the flowers anyways, right? And yes, I reminded myself that even though I didn't have Jacob, God was always with me and would always be with me. I knew he would always guide every step. Still, all the prayers, Bible reading, phone calls with Jacob... nothing filled the hole. I felt compelled to act, but I didn't want to take a step out of desperation.

If anyone can relate to this at all, please sympathize. Please ;)

In the middle of all this frustration, I was also dealing with a lot of back/neck/shoulder pain of which I couldn't quite determine the source. With Crossfit, competitions, martial arts, and of course, normal wear and tear, I didn't know what I was doing wrong. Regardless, I had to skip out on Crossfit for almost two weeks- may not sound like much, but for me, it was a LONG time.

Skipping out on that became rather old. I was still doing other training, but with the Fenway Park Spartan Race coming up soon (i.e. This Saturday. Uh oh...), I knew I needed to get put back together so I could get my act together. The trip to the chiropractor proved to be a lot different than I had anticipated.

It turned out that the pain and 'out' feeling I was experiencing was because yes, my spine/shoulders/neck were out, but the reason they were out was because of a nerve firing in my T4. The nerve firing in my T4 was because of my gallbladder.

Hold up. I'm not supposed to hear the word 'gallbladder' come out of any doctor's mouth in my presence until I'm 84, so this can't be right. But yes. Read on.

The reason my gallbladder was showing up (and resulting in making my back a poorly constructed skeletal model) was one of two reasons: extremely poor diet (guffaw) or extreme frustration, stress, and over emotional-ness.

Huh.

I'll let you draw your conclusions.

I sat there in that chiropractor's office feeling a little funny. I'd been praying for God to help me deal with all that I was feeling, now I was hearing that my body was sick and tired of all this waiting and frustration.

"Is this 'stress' going to be ending anytime soon?" My chiropractor asked.

I didn't know what to say. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't help it. Even when I wasn't consciously frustrated, I knew I was always frustrated and missing Jacob. But with only a week-ish left until I was would see him again, I would try my best to forget about it. I would determine what would happen soon enough.

Trip #6 is something a few of you had asked about before it happened. Well, here's the report. This trip was a blessing in so many ways, I don't know where to start! Our families all got to meet, ALL TOGETHER, for the first time. And guess what? It was a party all day long.

In addition, I got to watch Jacob's last football game. This, despite however small a part of the trip it was, was a huge thing for me. I knew the feeling of playing the last game of your favorite sport. When I finished my final season of field hockey, it was a strange feeling- something that made you cry, sweat, and feel complete achievement... all gone with one final game. I sympathized with Jacob on this, but even more than this, it was a clear indication to both Jacob and I as well as our families, that this season of life was coming to a close and another one would soon be starting.

As the final minutes of his game ticked down and we all made our way over to the sidelines, I was there to give Momma Clifton a hug.

"He played a really good game," I told her with a smile. "You alright?"

"Oh yes," she said as she wiped away what I strongly suspected were tears. "I can't believe he's all done now. But I'm very excited about what's next for him."

She gave me tight squeeze and I felt a little bit like crying too, for some reason.

After the game Jacob's ankle was more wrecked than before, so between hobbling and sibling chaos, the stage was set for the rest of the trip.

Both Jacob and I got sick.

I stole Jacob's shirt. And sweatshirt. And that's all, I think.

We looked up airfare.

We went on a shopping excursion.

We watched movies.

We played basketball.

We froze to death at a bonfire.

We ate peanut butter like there was no tomorrow (ahem, Aubrey).

We took wild photos (I'll be posting those soon!).

We did the chocolate dance. Yeah.

We had a birthday party for my 8 year old sister.

We had wild car rides.

We ate (actually, no) sweet potato chips that tasted like the dirt of the earth. Sorry, Momma C.

But above all, this trip was the best yet- in complete honesty. I've never felt as trusting, close, or open with Jacob then I did this past trip. Being sick in a home other than your own isn't always fun. Being tired and a bit worn out (okay, a lot worn out) and still having multiple social obligations to dance around doesn't always feel so good. But despite everything, despite anything that could have been a potential trip wrecker, this trip was amazing.

But now I'm in NH again. I'm living away from home until I can figure out the next trip. And yes, the question still plagues me- what next? But regardless, I know God will guide me. He will show me what's next, he will show us what's next.

But what about my chiropractic issue, you say? Well. It's (ironically) started flaring up as soon as I got home. Between being sick and dealing with that, I'm nervous like heck about this Saturday's race. Whatever. I'll run for all the snot that's in my body ;) Oh, and maybe for Jacob, too.

So that's where we're at now.

Nowhere in particular. But...

Hope is on the way. I can feel it.

Intermission: Of You and I (and Maybe Jacob)

"But You can do more in my waiting 

than in my doing I could do.

So I won’t run anymore.

I’m waiting on You..."

                                

                        -Bethany Dillon

2012

2013

So you're all caught up.

Isn't that nice? Maybe it's a little depressing if you were hoping for some hidden bit of information that hadn't been made obvious through Google or Facebook, I'm sorry to say you won't find it here either.

What you will find instead is this- a completely pointless post with a few comparative pictures that maybe none of you have seen... and maybe some things that you've never read.

Why?

Well. Personally, I've realized the best way to appreciate where you're going and where you're at is to remember what you were and what you are. Make sense?

So no, you won't find anything exciting here (i.e. Hey, my name's Beth and I'm moving to NC!!! ....sorry), but you will find a blast from the past, a peek from the future, and a sniffle or two of the present... and if you find yourself realizing that a year ago and a year away can make all the difference in someone (maybe your own) life, then I've succeeded.

Here we go.

June 21, 2012, 10:07PM:

Hey. 

I hope to run into you, figuratively, and maybe say something intelligent. If not, I'll say something unintelligent. Alright? Cool.

08/30/12

11/03/13

June 21, 2012, 10:45PM:

 I hope you know I waited for you. Even in the non air conditioned part of the house, sweating to death. If thats not something, I don't know what is. So go to bed feeling awful, thinking about the fact that I'm over here dying. HA. 

2012

                                                                            

2013 

September 27, 2012, 10:31PM:

 I'm just confused. There's a reason for everything. I just wish I knew so I could act accordingly. I know coming from your perspective, I'm probably coming across as a freakily blunt and strange person that is sucking the joy out of innocent online interaction. AGAIN. Whatever. Oh well. You know why? Because I'd rather be honest and know exactly what you think, rather than doing the culturally stupid wait-5-years-before-I-inform-you-of-what-I-think-this-means-to-me. And I think I do know what you think. But still. I need to know.

2013

2013

July 3rd, 2013, 2:10PM

This time last year, 'we' didn't exist. In fact, 'we' could have never been a reality... 'we' could have skipped off the surface of reality like a stone on water and bounced into oblivion. And in the end, you and I could have considered each other pointless, selfish, and worthless, and given up on talking and gone onto our separate ways.

2012

2013

But. God had a plan. God still has a plan. 

God always has a plan.


November 3rd, 2013, 7:04PM:

It's so funny to think that a year ago was actually... well. A year ago. And when you're lonely and tired and a bit worn out, that's when things get really ugly. That's when you want to change things and want things to get better, but you don't even know what better is. What is better? Really?

And that's when you realize that 2 years ago, you had no idea of what 2012 would bring, just as you have no idea what 2013 will melt into once 2014 rolls along- and yes, it will roll along. Do I really have to waste a year- a whole stinking year- waiting and planning trips and wondering and waiting!? Isn't there a better way, God?

Maybe there isn't a better way. Maybe there is. But all I know is, this is THE way God has planned for me. And statistically, logically, and psychologically speaking, this may not be the BEST way, but to God, it is the way for me. This is the plan.

Anyone ever feel like that? Like you're sitting around, or you're just not where you should be? I don't want to sound like a broken record, but think about it.

Where were you last year? Where are you now? And how has God used you since last year, even if it's been in the smallest of ways?

It's not much, but at the same time, it's everything. Life is a vapor, a breath. And if you're like me and you breathe all day, you understand how quickly a breath comes and goes.

So... think about it.