Part Twenty Six: Of What You Think You Know

"Ain't it fun living in the real world,
Ain't it good, being all alone..."
-Paramore

It's been just over two weeks since I've been in North Carolina. It was a solo excursion last time which was both fun and not fun, mostly due to the absence of my sister, Becki. I love that kiddo to death and traveling without her just isn't as wild. At the same time, however, it was nice to have some time to gather my thoughts... especially on the return flight.

Let's back it up a minute, however. On the arriving flight I had very few hassles, short of an estranged woman named Sand (yes, you read correctly) who forgot everything she said 30 seconds after she said it, couldn't turn off (or on) the borrowed mp3 player she continually thrusted in my general direction for guidance, assistance, and maintenance, and who had about 9 pieces of gum before we'd been in the air 10 minutes.

Ahhh. Freedom of airspace.

The trip itself? Well, you know by now. I saw Jacob. Jacob saw me. We did all the thing people do when they haven't seen each other in what feels like forever (including slap and generally remark of the disgracefulness of clothing choices). I gave Jacob doodles I'd crafted during my travel time. We sang Michael Jackson. Nothing out of the ordinary.

We hung out. We worked out. We slept sometimes, laughed sometimes, snorfled, cooked things, and cleaned staircases. We did a bazillion things that no one but our families would really care to read about or remember, so I'll spare you all.

I'll cut right to the present and applicable part of everything that happened. I'll cut to what I'm pondering and wondering right now, I'll cut to what a lot of you may ponder... at least somewhat.

Why are you where you are? And why are things the way they are?

Right now, I'm very much inclined to pretend my life is a sob story, because sometimes the distance makes me feel like that's a good use of my time. Right now, I'm very much inclined to sit around and allow my life to become one countdown after another. Until I see Jacob, life feels very... pointless. I mean hey, God had us meet through extraordinary circumstances, things have always been perfect, we both feel so comfortable around each other, we've prayed through and about everything and anything.

So why am I wondering where I am? Why am I wondering why God has placed this distance between us as opposed to tru

So here's my point. I hope it hits home for anyone taking the time to read this far in.

Just because you think you are ready, just because you think something is better, just because you think you know everything, doesn't mean you are, it is, or you do. 

Let me explain a little more.

The more you think you know, guess what? God still knows more. The more you think you have it figured out, guess what? God still holds you in his hands.

Whether it's a relationship, a life choice, an addiction, a grudge, a depression, an anxiety... God will know how and why. God will always have a flawless plan.

Are there times you disagree or find it hard to believe?

Heck, there are weeks I feel so weakened and unable to trust, no matter how much I know I need to and want to. The thing is, if I look back and see where God has taken me from, if I look back and see all that he has already done, if I look back and see all the places and situations he has helped me through already... well. I start to feel a little silly for not trusting.

Are you looking back and you can't find a time God helped you through something?

Exhale and inhale one more time. Yeah.

You're welcome.

And this isn't a message. This isn't a evangelical wannabe blog. This is just poor, little, confused me pulling out the proverbial (and Biblical) glue stick to hold myself together.

All I can do is remind myself (and anyone else who may be feeling a little patched up as their eyes wander to the future) that in the end, God is always one (or maybe more than one!) step ahead of us.*

So where does this all leave the ridiculousness of Jacob and yours truly?

Right in God's hands. Right where we should be.

*Rants or opinions welcome on this!

Part Twenty Five: Of 2nd Birthdays, Layovers, and the Return to NC

"If home is where the heart is

 Then my home is where you are,

But it's getting oh so hard

 to spend these days without my heart..."

-Relient K

Summer rolled on at it's own speed. Classes came and went for me, I ran a Spartan Race, I kept busy, but in the end my life was a bit on hold every time Jacob and I were apart. I went to what felt like a bazillion weddings (2, to be exact), met some cool CPers (2, to be exact), and sent a lot of texts (more than 2, actually).

Trip #4 would be in North Carolina and for the first time ever, Jacob and I would get to see each other in person for our birthday(s). Armed only with my lack of intelligence and my sister Becki, trip #4 was probably one of the best trips yet.

Trip recap, anyone?

-The flight to North Carolina was... unique. We had a late start due to problems with our plane, a 3 hour layover in PA, and a little bit of free (anxious and nervous, too) time to watch Psych and act like hooligans. NOTE: frozen chicken shouldn't be eaten for breakfast at 6am in an airport.

-No matter what the day or how little sleep, we always have time for a workout. Unless you're Jacob and you have a football game, in which case you do school instead. Goodie ;)

-Football games are twice as fun when you know a certain hotty snotty on the team. Ahem.

-Life in Clifton house is only for those who can stand the oddness of it.

-Birthdays are best when you get hip birthday presents.

-Last minute photoshoots that make you look like you got shot.

By the time the trip ended (complete with singing Relient K Christmas songs on the car ride back to the airport), we had gotten closer yet again. Yes, I bawled my eyes out on the late flight home. Yes, I left notes for Jacob to find in his house. Yes, I was on my phone texting Jacob as soon as he was gone. Yes, I was feeling lonely all over again. But there was a new realization in my heart: things were changing.

Just last fall, I was just another college kid without a clue. This fall, I had too many clues to know what to do with. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose. It's all a matter of trusting God and giving up all the unknowns to the greatest and highest.

Summer was over. Fall was beginning. This time last year, I was uncertain. This time this year, I was still a little uncertain... but for different reasons.

Only time and prayer would tell.

Part Twenty Four: Of Trip Number Three and More Growing Up

"A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they've got planes and trains and cars,
I'd walk to you if I had no other way..."
-Plain White T's

So what happened on trip #3? God went crazy. God did what I didn't expect, for both 'good' and 'bad'. Looking back, however, it was all perfect. I say that with complete honesty. Complete. Honesty.

Flashback to the Wednesday before Jacob is to come visit NH with Aubrey. I'm teaching until 7:30pm at the dojo. I'm finishing the last class of the evening and I'm sweaty, nasty, and ready to drop. Jacob had promised me the Sunday before that he would help me through this week, but I had no idea just how much he would be able to do that. I had no idea.

Sitting in the office trying to finalize bootcamp curriculum, I haul out my phone to text my one and only Mr. Clifton. I feel pretty dull all around. 

Jacob is asking me if I want to have a date night. I say yes, but I know I'm kinda sorta not really in the mood. I'm tired and I miss him. A lot. And as I walk out of the dojo, I feel a sense of mediocrity sink under my skin. I'm gross, tired, and missing Jacob. I want to book it to my car and just get home. 

Before I can make it to my car, however, some friends who are out on a bike ride spot me and stop to talk. It's not that I don't enjoy talking. I do. But at this moment, I want nothing to do with anyone. I just want to slink to my car and go home. 

I make small talk and say something about a girl crossing the street who's wearing a shirt that covers only a small margin of her epidermis (epidermis is more fun to say than skin, as a heads up). I talk about missing Jacob and how I need to go home, and with that I said farewell and turned to continue walking to my car. I pulled my phone out to text Jacob in my typical end-of-the-work-day fashion. I went to open the back door to my car, head still down, fingers still texting.

And that's when I looked up. And that's when I jumped back, pressed my hand to my mouth, jumped a little more, and felt the urge to cry, laugh, grin, yell, and sniffle all at once.

The car door opened and I began to protest.

"No no, I can't leave all this stuff on the ground out here! No!"

And with that, we put my bags in my trunk and without a second thought, jumped in the back of my car and hugged each other tight.

I didn't know how Jacob Clifton got in the back of my car. But I didn't care. 

Oooh. I hadn't at all forgotten how much I loved this. 

It took a few minutes of shocked silence followed by laughs before I could manage to ask what happened in that he was here in NH.

The story? Well. Jacob took it upon himself to surprise me and show up a week earlier than planned. And, of course, my dear mother had willingly worked with him to spring this on me.

My wonderful, scheming family. I suppose I still love them.

And with a start like that, trip #3 was something not to be forgotten. Other highlights?

-On Thursday, Jacob got to see me teach for the second time. I was just as antsy the second time around as I was the first time, that's to say the least.

-Jacob got to come to Crossfit on Friday with me. Let's just say that nothing says bonding like doing box jump burpees together.

-We learned a lot more about each other. Though Jacob was staying down the road at a neighbors, we got to experience everyday life together. If I went somewhere, Jacob came with me. If I did something, Jacob did it with me.

-We danced. A lot.

-Jacob too care of me, I took care of him. There were some crazy days were we had to be at the dojo to teach in the morning, come home to eat, run back to teach, and not get home until 7pm. And yes. I was usually a sweaty mess by then. But despite that, Jacob would wait patiently, sometimes sitting out in the dojo lobby for hours while I taught classes. I got myself a gentleman, folks. I'd cook for him, he'd massage my poor dojo feet, I'd buy him a toothbrush (due to poor memory and poor packing him part, ahem), he'd constantly be jumping up to do things for me.

-Jacob and I both got in the water. Yes. Neither of us are huge fans of swimming. But we both made the plunge. Applause, please.

-Maybe (okay, probably) my favorite memory from trip #3 was Monday night. After a long afternoon and evening of teaching, I was ready to get done. Poor Jacob had once again been stuck in the lobby all afternoon. Walking back to my car after classes, however, he informed me that we were not going home, but instead he was getting me flowers (see top photo) and we were going out to dinner. It was the perfect, heart melting, sweet and wonderfully romantic way to end what had been a long, sticky, and sweaty day. Perhaps what made it even more romantic was that we were both sweaty to a (large) degree, I had smudged makeup, and we both were loopy from lack of sleep. All in all, Jacob deserves a medal for pulling off that evening.

-Backtracking for a moment, Sunday was a close runner up to Monday in terms of being my favorite. After church, our neighbors' backyard cookout, and feeding an overly starving Jacob, we went to Lower Falls for a perfect ending to the weekend. I remember doing pushups outside of the Ranger station, making back massage trains in the sun with Aubrey, Becki, and Tim, fighting the currents and freezing water, and getting 'windmill hair' after it was all said and done. On the drive home, Jacob and I fell asleep.

-After we got home that same Sunday night, Tim marched us all out to mini golf in Meredith. It was potentially the most interesting game ever played. There were mosquitos everywhere, Jacob was constantly poking me in the butt with his golf club, Aubrey kept hitting the ball off the course, and after it was all said and done, Jacob and I tied for second with a score of 51. Interesting.

-Aubrey and I had lots of 'peanut butter dates', which only furthered my believe in how peanut butter can bring about world peace.

-Jacob promised to (and did!) paint my nails. Aubrey insisted they were dreadful, but I loved them. It was a dismal and depressing day when they chipped away.

-The neighborhood cat, Tiger, was obsessed with Jacob. Tiger, with his goodnatured drooling habit and all, made himself right at home whenever Jacob was around. That vagabond cat followed us on a walk the night before Jacob and Aubrey left. The whole walk. Basically, Tiger is a kindred cat spirit.

-The last thing I saw of Jacob was him in the street with Tiger as I drove away to teach classes. I struggled not to cry, but I attribute my success in not crying to the fact that I literally had no tears left after the night before.

What next? We didn't know. We knew the last weekend in August would be our target weekend, but whether or not it would work was yet to be determined.

Was trip #3 worth it? In a heartbeat, I'd say yes. Was it hard? Yes. There were hard lessons learned. There were moments of real hurt and real heartache, but there were moments of indescribable joy, happiness, and love for someone that had until recently, been a world away. Just a year ago, Jacob Clifton was just another name, another face, another person I'd never met. But then God got in the middle, stirred things up, and well... things have never been the same since. And for every day since that first day, I've been grateful. So, so grateful.