When the Going Gets Tough (And Tires Get Flat)

I was busy watching Jacob carry boxes and bags of our belongs to our car (Burton. The car's name is Burton), marveling at the fact that I'd never seen anyone wear dress shoes and athletic shorts in the same outfit. In the flurrying snow. In the dark. Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

It was late and after a full day involving our secondary, NC wedding reception, we were thoroughly looking forward to crashing. Most of our stuff was already packed squarely away in the car, so all we really had to do was throw in the remaining bits and head off to our first apartment! We flopped in the car and off we go!!!

But that's the tragedy of life. When you tell yourself, 'off we go!', life often says, 'you're an idiot'.

And after rolling out 2 feet in reverse, we stopped the car, jumped out, and I marveled yet a second time that evening... as to how a tire could be so, so flat.

It was like... a black, squished marshmallow. That had been squished a lot.

And so there we were, standing in the snow and freezing wind... and I mulled over the fact that I was a moron for wearing a thin, sleeveless shirt and short athletic shorts with athletic slides while it was snowing.

Oh, and that Burton had a flat, flat tire and I just wanted to go home.

But why am I telling you all this?

I'm taking the liberty to write a little bit outside of my permitter today, yet I believe this applies especially to relationships, so the concept is still within romantic boundaries.

Adversity. You know it when you taste it, because it tastes like dirt. Or moss. The kind you might find at a crafting store to put into those little potted plants with the styrofoam and fake twiggies.

Adversity. It shows our true colors, they tell us. Because let's face it, when the going gets tough, people turn into little crabs. Nasty, little crabs.

In marriage and relationships, adversity is a potential plague. It's a mold that would love to rot out nice big chucks of your happiness... yet at the same time, it can do the exact opposite if you let it. Shall I explain? I think I will. Back to the squished tire.

I was a little panicked, but not too bad. Mostly I was exhausted and freezing and exhausted, which can make ANYTHING seem way worse that it is. And freezing. I did I mention I was freezing? Which meant all of this was dandy, but after being awake 17 hours in a car the day before, I wasn't feeling up to adventure. I would much rather have cried. Still, as I looked at that flat tire, God reminded me of something better to focus on.

"At least this didn't happen yesterday when we were in Pennsylvania or something, right?"

As I said it, I realized this was very true. All in all, things were okay. I was cold, I was tired, and I had to help move ALL our jam packed stuff out of Burton and into Jacob's van so Jacob and I could finally leave (which took a good bit of time and courage against the cold!), but we were safe, we had another drivable vehicle, we had a home to go to, and we had each other.

I apologize for using a flat tire as my analogy, but heck, it was bummin' at first sight with that flat tire. I felt like I was so close to having sealed up our NH to NC adventure so very nicely, and the BAM. Bump in the road (or flat in the tire).

Adversity can kill our motivation, our optimism, our gratefulness, our love, our passion, our desire to achieve great things, our hope, our faith, our patience, our character... or it can build them up stronger than ever before. 

In the end, be it family, work, relationships, marriage, or just life in whole, adversity teaches us two things: to believe in faith and to smile with courage. All struggles will pass. A new one may take it's place as soon as the old one fades, true. Broken heaters, no job, death in the family, terminal illness, a parasite within your marriage, family feuds that won't go away, Murphy's Law being... well, Murphy's Law, junked cars, losing your friends, even silly little things like math tests, bad traffic, and head colds.

In your world, will you be a rock of optimism, faith, and trust?

The glory of adversity is not in praising ourselves when the storm has passed. It is in the prayers that God will be brought glory through our struggles- that in the end, our adversity may be someone else's banner to hold when they struggle the same as we did. 

Life is hard, God is good. Things in the world are very, very ugly.

"But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

Where's the Man I Married?!?!

Marriage is an adventure. And a journey. It is a long trip, one that will have ups and downs, but most of all, it will leave you wondering, why did I spend my money on this?

My bad! We're talking about money, not the opening night of The Hobbit: The Destitution of Smog.

Whoops.

Back to marriage. There are articles upon articles bemoaning the vanishing act of the other person's original self after marriage. These articles discuss things such as 'why is my wife different after the wedding?', 'why did my spouse change after we got married?', and of course, 'where's the man I married!?!?!'.

We'd like to break down for the blog audience WHY your spouse is different now that you're married.

(Warning for those who suffer from seasonal allergies or lactate intolerance, satire ahead.)

PROOF HE'S CHANGED:

"The man I married would never leave a wad of balled up socks on the kitchen counter!"

Actually, yes, he would. A lot of people leave socks in balls, piles, or what I like to call 'scrunching', aka the blobbing of socks into a 3-4 sock wad. And why would they be on the kitchen counter? Because the kitchen is where the food is. Be smart, woman. This is not a carnal sin. This is time efficiency... if you're a lazy bum.

"The man I married would never look like that first thing in the morning!"

You should see how you look first thing in the morning. National Geographic warned us what sloths looked like, but you plunged onward into marriage anyways. So really, this is not your fault or his fault, it's just science. Or it's just his poor genetics.

"The man I married would never act like THIS!"

If by this you mean dancing around the kitchen (note: husbands don't leave the kitchen) and making incoherent sounds, while shoving their face, while watching youtube videos you thought only 6th graders found hilarious, and while NOT washing the huge pile of dishes in the sink, then congratulations! You have been hoodwinked. Shame on you. I'd call Sears and see how long the warranty is.

PROOF SHE'S DIFFERENT:

"The girl I married would never be so neglectful of how she looks!"

And by neglectful, we mean she's on workout #2 of the day, so she hasn't showered. And yes, she looks like a sweet little dollop of sweat. Oh. Just kidding. She's just wearing yoga pants while sipping chai. Again.

"The girl I married would never be so lazy!"

Says the guy who leaves little lumpy sock piles on the counters.

"The girl I married would be more attentive to my needs!"

Hey, she did let you leave the socks on the counter.
______________________________________________

BASICALLY, WHAT I'D LOVE TO GET ACROSS IS THIS.

Nobody changes in marriage. Well, sure, time matures or de-matures us. We get new hobbies, lose interest in old ones, we experience love and loss. But the BIG categories- the things we like to complain about: laziness, appearance, attentiveness, attraction, work ethic, caring, kindness, falling in love... these are things that 1) we are in charge of maintaining and 2) we are in charge of forgiving and renewing when there is a lapse.

If we could stop focusing on all that is a 'problem' in our marriages and start working on finding the 'solutions', wouldn't that be for the better? Shouldn't we keep our eyes on what is pure, lovely, and right (Philippians 4:8)?

"But what if my spouse isn't willing to be a part of the solution? What if I'm the only one willing to change?"

This is a big question and I'd go so far as to say a few things.

1) Pray. Prayer is more powerful than a lot of us give credit for.

2) This bump in the marital road probably should have been addressed before marriage. Yes, we can't predict EVERY action of our spouse/future spouse, but if during the dating process you assume those little nicks in their personality will go away, you just did yourself in.

3) Are they really unwilling to change? Or do you want them to change simply because you're viewing the situation from only your point of view?

As mentioned, I can't cover every single variation of a situation regarding this, however I'd like to think I've made my point. Where's the man you married? He's sleeping next to you, he's washing the dishes, he's kissing you, he's working hard every day for you, he's praying for you, he's loving you.

Marriage is the potential for betterment of two people. That's my two cents- keep the change ;)

10 Things I've Learned About Being Married

Well into a month of marriage, I'm pumping out posts like crazy. I can't help it, I suppose. Everything is so new and exciting, so different and strange... but all together wonderful. Disclaimer: my marriage experience was/is different than most in that not only did I move out, but I moved to a different state, completely changed occupation, scheduling, and lifestyle, and left my family in New Hampshire.

Whatever the case, marriage reveals things. Married people explained it to me like this- you'll realize all the bad habits of the other person, the things you always kinda took for granted are now viewed in dollar signs, and you'll get stressed out in the beginning of marriage because all you can eat is rice, dirt, and houseplants.

Well. Now that I'm into the whole marriage thing, I think I'm qualified to post up some things I've learned.

1. You learn to cook on a budget with what you have like a boss.
It's a skill you both acquire and refine. I've made some unusual things that all taste different, but are made with basically the same ingredients- sometimes, those ingredients include spelt flour and water.

2. You forget about yourself in the face of your spouse's needs.
Oh the number of times Jacob has gone out of his way to do things for me even it wasn't convenient for him. It's a big number. I hope that I do the same for him! I don't really need to spell this one out- if you're doing it, you know what it means!

3. Trips to the grocery store are better than monopoly (and induce hollering and high fives).
Say it ain't so. Being on a budget can be miserable... unless you turn being on a budget into a game. Trips to the store usually mean I'll be forced to do math (thank you, Jacob), but we both feel happy as a lark (larks? larky? larkens?) driving home when we 'win' the budget game.

4. Weekends are the best days.
I don't like saying goodbye to Jacob. I like the days when it's him and me together best of all. This equals workouts together, hanging out with his family, Psych marathons, cooking together, talking, and planning for the future.

5. Good morning, good night, goodbye, and hello kisses are the best.
Let's face it. Kisses, in general, are awesome. That's about all I have to say.

6. Home is where the heart is.
There are days I've wondered what the heck this means. I now know full well. I have cried multiple times due to being away from Beyond the Belt, because it's my home. It's where my family is. It's because I miss it so much. I also miss my normal family (teehee), and I miss Jacob when he's away at work. But when I have these things back in my life, I'm so utterly and completely full. It fills up my heart to the brim. When Jacob and I had a long distance relationship, it was much the same. it doesn't matter what your 'home' looks like, sounds like, or anything else. If your heart is there, it's your home.

7. Working out together wins over all.
No lie, no lie, no lie... one of the things that drew me to Jacob from the get go was his passion for workouts. Now that we're married, things have been a whirlwind in terms of where we live, what space we have, how warm it is, etc etc, so working out hasn't always been easy. However, having a workout buddy who is also your motivation and competition is severely helpful in not only maintaining, but increasing PR weight, scheduling, and staying on top of your game in general. It's also taught me that circumstance and situation should never define your determination to succeed.

8. Inside jokes abound.
I'd post them here, but I'd have to kill you.

9. There is nothing as rewarding as a hardworking best friend.
If only I could describe how hard and how diligently Jacob works for me each day.  I remember when we first started talking about getting married and what it would entail, the one thing Jacob told me was that he didn't want me to have to work out of necessity, no matter what that meant for him. I remember feeling a little bit shocked... I didn't think those kinds of people existed anymore! True to his word, Jacob has done so much for us. I still work small, part time jobs for Beyond the Belt, but Jacob has astounded me with how much he means well and cares.

10. Marriage brings out the creativity you didn't know you had.
Ah, the first year. Or month. Or few weeks. It causes you to realize just what it means to be 'on your own', and not in the Les Miserables sort of way (unless, of course, you truly are les miserables, in which case, condolences). Budgets, as mentioned, housing, schedules, EVERYTHING has a new light to it- and you begin to cut corners, tie bows, reimagine things, so on and so forth, in order to best make things work with what you have. Surprisingly, you find yourself patting your own back due to the miraculous wonders you behold. Who knew you could be so original?!


So there you have it. Just married? Married for a while? Not married at all? Soon to be married?

(I think I covered most everyone.)

If you have any thoughts, feel free to share!

Of Happily Ever After - Pt. II

Being married. Who knew it could happen so fast?

My dear, dear BTB family. For those of you were able to come, for those of you who were there in spirit- my heart goes out to all of you. You have all been such a big part of this story, maybe in ways you don't even know. There were so many classes in which I had red eyes, a distanced spirit, or sagging eyelids from the red eye flight the day before- but you were and always will be my family, just like BTB will always be my home. I love you guys.

Ah yes. The family photos. I won't lie, we had this down to an ART. Considering we had huge families with multiple little people, we did a smack-tastic job of getting these photos down. Stacey and I planned how we could get the best family photos done in the quickest time with militant precision. I think we did a pretty good job!

Another reason small bridal parties rock and roll. It's just posing with your best friend (or only friend, boohoo... I kid, I kid!) for endless shots! What else could be better?!

^^How we were told to pose...

^^How we felt like posing. Hm.

One thing I will forever be grateful for is the beautiful vision both my parents and Jacob's parents had for what a family should be- long before Jacob and I were around! Our siblings are our best friends, confidents, co-shindig starters, and above all, those we grew up with and continue to grow with.

(Note: not all siblings pictured ;))

And now ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the Mr. & Mrs. session. Planned, presented, executed... with the greatest attention and care. All in approximately 35 minutes. Can we get a round of applause on that? Thank you, thank you.

We like kissing in pictures. Sorry :]

"Hey Jacob, look at me!"

...just kidding.

You'll notice a lot of black and white photos. Both Jacob and I love black and white when it comes to photography, simply because it is so timeless and classy.

All done! And we weren't acting crazy. We are crazy. Ask Stacey for yourself. The reason we were in such a 'hurry' to finish the couple photos was the fact that we wanted to hang out. We wanted to talk. We wanted to stuff our faces. We wanted to dance our tulle-d bums off (speaking for myself here). I didn't want our guests sitting around for hours eating carrot sticks while we chapped our lips and documented endless PDA (which is fun to do, but not as much fun as jiving with the best people in our lives!) in front of Stacey and her poor assistant (and husband!) Dave. We didn't want to document staged kisses and hand holding so much as we wanted to capture memories. We wanted photos that told stories and sparked adrenaline in our veins.

The father daughter dance was something I was very picky about. In going about the music, I told my musically eccentric father that he had free range for choice of song. My only request was that it NOT be a sappy, 'everyone cries' song. We already cried enough during the ceremony, for goodness sake. We ended up choosing Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder.

As mentioned, Dad and I don't have a 'daddy's little girl' type of relationship. My dad is hilarious. He's also a genius. I never see him get angry or upset. He has taught me patience, humor, to pursue life with excellence, and to love every moment God gives me. He also taught me to dance like Bill Cosby, which is why about a 1:30 into Stevie Wonder, we cut in with some Crazy in Love by Beyonce... and cut loose with a little bit of help from our friend Bernie.

I love you, Dad. And not in the sort of way that involves endless hugging and instagram posts on Father's Day. The kind of love that thanks you for your hard work, your educating me in the way that is right, and for genetics that allow me to lift a lot and show off some large calf muscles.

The first dance was something Jacob and I had talked about, but not really talked about... if that makes sense. Things we talked about:

1. Don't use the song All of Me

2. Dont use the song Thousand Years (of ANY arrangement)

3. Don't use the song God Gave Me You

4. Don't use Frank Sinatra

5. Don't slow dance

6. FOR CHEESE SAKE DON'T DANCE FOR 5 MINUTES STRAIGHT AND BORE EVERYONE OUT OF THEIR MINDS

So what did we chose? Dean Martin's Ain't That A Kick The Head. With subtle Tom Cruise referencing which NO ONE but Jacob, myself, and a few old timers from CollegePlus will understand. And seriously. I'm a martial artist. My love better be a kick in the head. But we won't just tell you. We'll show you just a smidgen. (Note: We didn't rehearse this or choreograph.)

We wanted to do something crazier, but unfortunately, that would have been highly scandalous considering my dress. So we didn't do anything crazier. We reserve the right to post something crazier in the near future ;]

We didn't get a caterer for the wedding. My mother dear, Miss Monica, Jacob's mom, and an army of siblings helped me make my dream wedding smorgasbord. I owe them more than I can pay for all the help they provided. We decided against having a main course meal sort of deal and went for something completely random and maybe anti-wedding food. I'm not sure, but I thought it was dandy, and as the bride, I call the shots, right? 

We presented to our guests a full dip bar with main course dips, side dips and salsas, humus, dessert dips, and an entourage of chips, breads, vegetables, crackers, fruit, and so forth. Our neighbor, Miss Christine, happens to be a caterer, and while she didn't make any of the food, she offered up her services in setting up the dips and refilling dishes. She's a kitchenly angel, that lady.

We didn't plan much in terms of wedding activities. We didn't have a garter or bouquet toss, we didn't have a huge list of dances that needed to be had, we didn't have a huge list of games or such to complete. After the father daughter dance and the first dance, we got to eat (AMEN AMEN) and my brother Tim (DJ extraordinaire and MC) offered up a chance for our guests to test their Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Clifton trivia. It was a hoot as far as Jacob and I were concerned.

The cake. It was beautiful as far as I as concerned. But coming from two people who don't eat cake, cutting our wedding cake was... a unique experience. At least I shoved some in Jacob's eye. So... it wasn't a total loss! We were both glad to finish that, because if the cake cutting was done... that meant only one thing. It was time to hit the dance floor, baby.

We danced like mad people. What's funny, awesome, and strange about wedding playlists is that you never know what song is going to be the song. The song that everyone starts hollering at the top of their lungs. The song that gets everyone out of their seats and jumping around for no reason other than it's the song. Well. For our wedding, that song was Some Nights by Fun. I had originally put it on the playlist because of an inside joke I have with Kaitie, but somehow, for some reason... next thing I knew, a bunch of people were singing as loud as they could. Sorry, ladies. You knew this photo was bound to hit the internet! Some nights I always win, I always win...

                                     

When Jet's Are You Gonna Be My Girl hit the speakers, Jacob and I started dancing because well, it's our jam, of course. We have the moves, you see.

But next thing we knew, a bunch of people had semi-circled us and started singing and clapping along, so we turned it up.

Again, it's just another reminder of how lucky we are to have such wonderful, caring, and support friends to be with us and around us.

And as the crazy dancing slowed down, Sinatra took over and a soft romantic glow filled the room. You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss...

I lost track of everyone else as the songs rolled on. I felt perfectly happy because I was happy, but also because I knew everyone else was having a good time, which was SO important to me. I wanted our guests to feel free to kick back, dance, talk, anything they wanted.

For the send off, we didn't want rice. Or flowers. Or rice krispies. We chose rainbow sprinkles, because they are fantastically colorful and happy looking.

I'm really not sure what else to say. As the wedding winded down and things came to a close, I felt so shocked and confused that any of this was real. Driving off, we felt like we had accomplished something great, and not just because we finally got married, but because those we love most were just as happy as we felt. Honestly, it will forever be one of the best days of my life.

Thank you to everyone who made 10.13.14 possible! Because of you, dreams came true in the richest sense I could have imagined. God has blessed both Jacob and me through the words, prayers, and kindness of those around us.

The best is yet to come, come the day you're mine
Come the day you're mine
I'm gonna teach you to fly...

06.07.12

03.07.13

04.18.14

10.13.14