Part Six: Of Answers and Unanswers

"And I watched you run with no regret
To chase your dreams and find true love
And the best is yet to come."

-Sanctus Real

My fingers gripped the window sill in front of me in an ignorant and defiant act against the cold that radiated through the pane. It was grey outside. It was dull. It was a day just like the day before. 

Somehow, despite the ordinary outward appearance of the day, I felt as if something incredible had to happen. My first prayer from that first night was echoing in my head. This was it. I had prayed that God would work through all this nonsense, and VOLIA. Here it was. FINALLY. Thank God. I couldn't take anymore.

Still... that prayer was sliding icy fingers along the sides of my heart and as I listened to Jacob start to speak, I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what he was about to say. I didn't even know what I wanted him to say... but whatever he wanted to say, I wanted to hear it. 

He was finally taking charge like I had wanted him to for so long... right?

"Hey. So about all that stuff you said last night and how you worried it was awkward... it's okay."

      

"It's okay?" I was hesitant.

     

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I just... I don't like beating around the bush. But it's just weird, because even if you and I both feel the same way, we've never even met! I don't know... I'm sorry, I keep saying that because I just don't," I apologized. I was getting shivery and scared. What was I doing?

"Hey. Listen, just rant. Just rant and vent and say whatever comes into your mind."

      

"Are you sure. What I'm about to say might be embarrassing. Are you daring me? Because you don't dare miss competitive and get away with it."

      

"Hey, I'll go next. We'll take turns."

      

And then I just gushed everything. How from the moment I first started talking to him I knew who he was underneath and how frightened I was by the prospects of getting to know him even more. I mentioned how I couldn't figure out what his intentions were. I mentioned how uncertain I was about what he thought, how I would lie awake or sit brainless when trying to do school and just think WHY GOD? Why would you have me meet this guy if....

Then it was his turn and he rambled. I tried to remember everything, but unfortunately my heart drowned out most everything with it's obnoxious beating. What do I remember him saying? 

You're... different. You're beautiful. I don't know... what will happen... but I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you. I mean, from what I know of you, because I don't know your whole personality. But you're confident, you're highly attractive. That's what I like about you. You understand?

"Yeah. I guess this all boils down to..."

Just ask him. Just say it. I swallowed hard, feeling the static between us on the phone crowding my thoughts and words into a tangle of nonsense.

"Jacob, I... I just need to know if you feel the same way."

"We can't know how things will work out. But if it's planned, it's going to happen. Remember what I said: if you're meant to be with someone, you'll have happily ever after. If you aren't, you'll still have happily ever. We may meet. We may not. But... I have a feeling we will."

I sniffled a little. I hadn't started crying, but I felt so empty and void, yet full and alive. All too soon, we said our goodbyes and I was left alone with a silent phone, a silent room, and a silent heart.

And then, my silent heart stopped. Where are we at now? Why do I feel like crying? Why do I feel so victorious, yet so hollow?

Oh, if I knew.

I played his words back in my head again and again. He thinks I'm beautiful. I had all but given up the hope of being beautiful long ago, but he was making me wonder if it could really be possible. Me, beautiful? Somehow those words didn't belong together. He said he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me. He likes my personality. Well. It wasn't much to go on, but it was enough to hope on.

The next three days I was a swirling mess of emotions. He had given me enough things to hope about, but not enough to know what I was hoping about. I went to go visit my best friend on September 30, 2012, to ask her what I should do. 

We talked for hours. I nervously explained to her just how much I loved this boy and just how big of an idiot I felt like saying so without having ever met him. I broke my 'no touchy-feely' personality and hugged my best friend for all I was worth. 

I cried. They were delicate tears, because I didn't know why I was crying. When I went home that night, I wasn't myself at all. Almost four months of this 'in limbo' relationship had worn me out, worn me down. Worst of all, I knew Jacob enough at this point that I couldn't stand not knowing him anymore. I wanted to see him, badly.

My parents were rightly concerned when I returned home that Sunday night with red rimmed eyes and a constant sniffle. Before they could ask me if everything was okay, I told them I needed to talk to them. We sat down, and I said what I knew was going to be sound ridiculous to my parents' ears.

"I want to go to North Carolina."

There. It was out.

"To see Jacob, right?"

"Yeah."

I felt like an idiot. My parents looked at me like I had two heads. No, five heads. Maybe even six. They looked at me like I had suggested something crazy, like flying to go see a boy I'd never met. 

Oh wait. I just did.

My parents gently asked as to why I wanted to do that, what that meant, and all the things parents prompt their children when their kid says something out of the blue. It wasn't as if they didn't know I liked Jacob. They knew. But this, this was a bit of a side slam.

They said no. It wasn't right for me to go down there. I knew that, but in my insanity I didn't know what else to suggest. I had held in so much for so long, I was afraid I might explode if I didn't do something.

My dad left. My mom sat and watched as I burst into tears. Not delicate, silent tears like earlier that day, but full out, ugly sobbing, bawling, drippy nose crying. I crumpled up into a ball on my mom's bed and closed my eyes. I won't ever forget the words I blurted out in my pitiful, heart wrenching confusion.

"I just want to do what's right, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore, Mom. But I want to see him. I don't understand! Why would God have us meet if we live so far away?"

I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I cried until my throat hurt. I felt so hollow. Even we both felt the same way about each other, we were too far away. Maybe Jacob had been better off as a friend who didn't really care. It seemed like a dead end no matter what. I couldn't live without him, though. I couldn't imagine a day without talking to him.

I stayed up late that night, pacing around, writing what I could, wondering more, and praying most. What was God doing? And why?

"I'll show you how to live" by Sanctus Real plays on my pandora. I could probably cry more right now, but I'm out of tears. I feel cold, numb, and uncertain of what to feel. I want to talk to him. I want to understand what's going on. It's not time, though. It's time for me to sit and be still. It's time for me to try to stop my mind and just trust. It's time for me to just be quiet. How am I supposed to go to work? How am I supposed to study? I just want to meet him so badly. I've never felt like this about anyone. I've never been this way before. 

I will be a mess teaching later. I want to starve and just sit here. I'm tired. I wanted to go to NC to meet him. That's not my place, though. Or is it? Isn't he supposed to be assertive? Am I rushing things? Am I supposed to put the ball in his court so to speak? I'm so cold right now. I'm so confused. I want to do the right thing. I can feel the hot tears close to sliding over the edges of my tired eyes. I can feel myself slipping away. How can I miss someone so much.... someone I've never met?

I wish he could just call me right now. I wish he would. I don't know if I want to cry in front of him or if that would be terrible. Why God. I know you have reasons. I KNOW you do. I know you have a beautiful plan for my life. Is this the man I'm going to be with? Is this your plan? I know it is more beautiful that anything I can dream of. I can only imagine. What you have for me, but right now only imagining is  such a frustrating game. Please, give me peace. Give me understanding, even if small. This is a trial. But I know, everything will be beautiful in the morning. In the light, everything will be revealed.

      Am I not supposed to meet him? I want to stop crying and just move on... how am I supposed to be happy and excited and teach today like nothing is going on? How am I supposed to study and take my tests and write essays... when I can barely manage to breathe?

      Am I being silly? Rushing things? I don't know. I don't know anything. All I know is, I need peace. I need God to show me what to do, because I'm at the point where I cannot stand it any longer. 

"Remember how you felt from across the room

When you realized someone had eyes for you
And the way your heart sang
'Cause you believed you were worth something..."

I went on the forums later the next night and meekly told Jacob how I had cried my eyes out for three hours (no joke) about him and how I missed him so much. I told him how much I felt like an idiot, how I didn't understand, and how I didn't expect him to understand either.

The conversation was honest and open, but he told me not to worry. I wish I could say I didn't worry that night as I tried to fall asleep, but after so many nights of impatience wondering, I did worry. I worried a lot. I buried my face in my pillow, wishing away how much my heart was hurting.

I woke up on October 2, 2012, to a text on my phone from an unknown number. 

With an North Carolina area code. 

From the night before at 11:48pm. 

Huh.

I had slept in later that morning and skipped my workout (not good for those of us who use workout therapy, ahem). I wasn't in a good mood. Maybe I wasn't in a mood at all. Honestly, I couldn't feel anything anymore. But I knew who that text was from. I knew. 

Hey hijo I'm on my old phone. Just wanted to make sure you're alright. I have no idea who I'll end up with but if they're half as wonderful as you I'll be shocked.

I was shocked, too. Not because he texted me. Not because I was melting at the fact that he cared enough about a girl he'd never met that he would text her something like this. Not even because I was glad to see a text from him. I was shocked because in that moment I realized I was in the middle of something very heaven directed. This whole thing was something I couldn't have orchestrated even if I had wanted to. I realized that all the times that things had fallen into place since I first met Jacob, they were all things I hadn't even attempted to bring about. They all just... happened.

It was hard. It would keep being hard. It would be harder than anything. Ever. But I loved this boy, and even if he didn't love me back, he did care about me a good deal as far as I could see. But how could we move on if we couldn't see each other? That didn't make sense. We needed to meet by now. It was pointless if we couldn't meet. I knew I had to do something. But what? I couldn't go storming down there. He wasn't going to come storming over here.

I would have to do what I really, really didn't want to. 

I would have to trust God for a miracle.