Part Five: Of Open Hearts, Birthdays, and Honesty

“To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. 

I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.” 

-Charles Dickens

Odd coincidence is always a good thing to have in a good story. However, given the pathetic, somewhat sappy nature of this story thus far, I'd say it's fair to say that 'odd coincidence' has no place.

We'll settle for dinky danky coincidence. Yes. dinky danky. An expression that you'll not find among hipsters, but I rather like it.

Jacob and I have the same birthdays. Yes, you heard right.

I'm officially one year older (which means I'm smarter than he is, right?), but other than that we are spot on. Just another reason I freaked out shortly after getting to know him. The same birthdays? How weird is that?

On August 31, 2012, I was prepared to make Jacob's birthday the best one ever. Considering I'd never met him, I didn't live anywhere near him, and I didn't even really, really know him, this would be an interesting challenge. I left him long messages, sent him youtube links to 'Call Me Maybe', made him silly pictures of Tom Cruise, sent him more messages, and pondered him all day. Most importantly though, I mailed him a black bandana (his favorite color, of course).

Admit it.
My photoshop skills are extremely attractive and admirable.

He did seem happy about it. In fact, he seemed really happy. Of course, looking back now, I was probably in too much of a haze to understand what he was really, truly thinking (which no one will probably ever know). Oh well.

August finally did melt into a hazy September, but I didn't notice. My whole summer had flown by like it had been yanked by a rocket. I didn't care. My head was somewhere else, my heart was in close pursuit, and my body was busy kicking, getting kicked, and training. School was a drag, but I continued on. I was so close to being finished! Nothing but a few TECEPs, ECE exams, and my Thomas Edison courses kept me from graduation.

Not surprisingly, a certain young man was still the highlight of my day, every day. He really was a puzzle. Just when I thought I knew him, he would go and change on me. Somedays I felt like a hindrance, but on other days I felt like maybe, just maybe he actually did like me. He would say things to me, suggest things, mention things... and I would get dizzy trying to figure out if maybe, just maybe he actually meant them.

My September mornings were full of studying, getting ready for the teaching day, and enjoying talking to Jacob. He would say I was cute, and I would say something snarky back. I honestly didn't know what he wanted from me. Just a month ago, he wouldn't answer my question about why he was talking to me. Now, he was acting like he did like me. I remember he sent me a message shortly into the beginning of September that he was grateful for all my prayers over him when he had been so busy. I remember he said the fact that I was praying for him was motivating to him.

I was humbled and honored, but I was also confused. He was speaking like he was two different people.

By mid September, he and I messaged with such wit and wackiness back and forth at such great speed, it was like we stole our lines and conversations off a Walmart shelf. I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew I had to make this boy fall in love with me. So far, I hadn't any idea if it was working. It seemed to be, but he wasn't in any hurry to say yes or no about anything.

I liked him more than ever. He still called me, but now I would talk to his siblings sometimes as well. I felt like I was a weird, half, long distance girlfriend that wasn't. It was the worst feeling ever. He didn't owe me anything, but I always carried the dull ache that I didn't know what he wanted, what he thought, or what he meant by all this conversation. Bits and pieces would come out from time to time, but generally, he was a closed book. When he sent me messages like this, I would only get more confused:

Oh gosh you embarrass me. Can I say something and you just shut up? You're one of three girls who I know who I respect, you're on of the most beautiful people I've ever seen (not to mention the fact that you are completely unique in your beauty, NOT the hot blonde stereotype at all), and very interesting to talk to (even online), not to mention the fact that your personality is bizarre, confident, swaggilicious (I would never consider anyone a potential unless they could match me there) and you just don't care what other people think.

Potential? A potential what? Door stop? Punching bag? What was this boy talking about? Still, I couldn't get angry at him. I just couldn't. I would only ache more, wishing I could cry about it, but knowing there was no reason to cry over a boy I'd never met. Once again, he was saying things that didn't line up. At all.

Regardless, I stuck to my plan. I was a stubborn and persistent little nuisance who wouldn't give up. I wanted to be with this Jacob Clifton if it killed me. 

As much as I didn't want to admit it, however... it all but was killing me. 

I was always tired. 

I was stressed. 

I was confused like no one's business. 

I felt like I was slipping back down a road I didn't want to travel. I would cry sometimes when I stayed up too late. I prayed a lot. I wish I could've cried more, but it hurt too much. It was an irrational sort of pain. Talking to Jacob Clifton was insanely bad for me. It was wearing me thin, it was interfering with my training, school, and teaching. I wasn't who I used to be. My parents asked what was wrong and I told them the truth. 

I didn't know.

At the end of September, I was still being my bubbly, quirky little self with Jacob. I had given up trying to drag anything out of him. I would just have to love him softly, love him from where I was. It was all I could do and nothing else. 

On the 27th, however, I quietly mentioned that I wished I could figure out who he really was, before I ended up painting a misrepresentation of him. To my surprise, he wrote me back. And for the first time, I had a flicker of hope that he might actually trust me.

He went on to describe how things had been for him, how things were now... and for a flicker of a second, I saw what I had been waiting to see. I saw someone a little more open, a little more honest, a little more trusting.

Trusting.

Jacob Clifton trusted me.

 ...currently I'm not interested in anyone around here. Mostly because my standards continue to rise as I mature, and I continue to see lacking and frustrating things in people that just won't work.

It's sometimes frustrating being where I am now. I haven't relied on God enough recently. I tend to settle with my own will-power and ability to get by, and it's never a good idea of course. I sometimes go through different phases when I become a little quieter, but don't let it fool you. It's still me, and for the time being, I'm just reading your reactions.

I guess that was a little too serious and maybe uncalled for.

I quickly informed him that no, it was not too serious. No, I appreciated his honesty. I let him that I wasn't a complete goof either, and contrary to the popular forum opinion, I had a serious side. He jumped on my comment with a response I didn't expect:

Trust me! I love you like that! I just know that despite what everyone else thinks, that you're deep too. That's what attracts me.

First he called me a potential, then he said he 'loves me like that', then he said the way I am attracts him. My heart leapt into my mouth. And with that, I decided to be a little more honest. Again:

Again, sorry if this comes across as blunt and freakish. But I've honestly never, truly liked a guy before like I do you. And I don't even understand how that's possible. Because I've never met you. It's weird. But it's horrible at the same time. Gosh, you don't even know =P I don't know. It's like... you're pretty much exactly like me. Kinda weird and crazy, but deep. And way too competitive. And type A trying to become type B! And so half the time I'm like YEAH. BOOM. I've got a fighting chance!

...but then it's like... you're just perfect. I mean, nobody is. But dang, you hit all the marks. I don't care what you say or how you feel about it, it's true!

And again, here it comes: I've gotten pretty comfortable with who I am, but I'm can't help but tell myself that you're out of my league... while I sit here in Laconia ghettoville. So then I get all mixed up about it. And I don't know. Then I just feel like crawling the corner and crying my eyes out like the little homeschooler I wonder why one earth all this is happening. Well. I know what you mean. It's like, you can't guess anything at this point. I just know I want to be friends, anyway. And I better run into in the next year at least! There's so much going on, but at the same time I find myself thinking about you a bit too much...

How could I even expect him to know what to say to all this? How could I even know what to say? This was so off, things like this just didn't happen. But right then, right then he said something that reminded me of why I liked him so much:

Don't worry kid. There's nothing ever ever ever to worry about. I've learned that when you can't live without someone, you either find out that it's true, and live ever happily ever after, or find out that it's not, and live happily ever after. I have to go, but don't you stress over anything.

He left me sitting in front of my computer wondering, wondering... who was this boy? All the little things about him, good and bad, had me completely, crazy in love. It was an unreal feeling, it was an uncomfortable feeling. 

I was in love with someone I'd never met. 

What would people think of me? But right then, I was starting to better understand Jacob. Guys at the dojo would tease me about when I was going to get a boyfriend, or if I had a boyfriend. I was wrinkle my nose and laugh it off, but I was wondering the same thing. Jacob wasn't my boyfriend. he couldn't be. We'd never met. 

But oh boy, if I had a choice, I would choose him.

The next day, I spilled more 'Beth-ness' all over Jacob's inbox:

I've not sent you a randomly long and immense PM since we first started correspondence, so here you go! LET'S MAKE THINGS REALLY AWKWARD. LIKE REALLY. Heck, I'll go for broke and when I have no money... maybe you'll bail me out?First things first: When you consumed too much Niquel, did you look like this? I hope so. If you didn't, you didn't drink enough. MORE I SAY. MORE. What are you made of boy? Bottoms up
Third things third (let's skip second things second): This song is just for you. AWWW.... as in AWKWARD. Thank you JB for causing a mass epidemic of awkward turtles. Mwhaha.Fourth things fourth: I really do smell like something awful right now. However, I'm still just sitting here at my computer because I feel bad.... just in case I did seriously scar you and you now consider me some sort of creepy internet woman which would be AWFUL and I would quickly light my hair on fire and extinguish it only if I ran out of fire. But heck, you've drunk your weight in Niquel, so what have I to fear? Oh yeah. LAWSUITS.Fifth things fifth: Oh gosh golly paddy wack. Paddy... cluck. I'm hoping this PM makes you smile. Or at least cringe. If so, I've succeeded.Sixth things sixth: On a serious note, I want to tell you my half of the story because I truly appreciated you being honest with me. I mean, I kinda gave you some of it, but I want to be fair. Me in real life... hmm...

Well, I'm very lively. Unless I'm exhausted, in which case I'm either all dry humor or just a wreck. Usually the latter happens when I've done too much and I just start bawling my eyes out for no good reason. In general, however, I'm energetic, passionate, and theatrical, apparently. I've been described as "barbaric" by my mother, "crazy" by my students, "adorable" by my friend, and "floaty and happy" by my brother's teammates.

I know you think I don't care what people think, but in some areas I do care what people think. Only the good areas, I assure you. I'm all for doing crazy things, but some times I get very concerned about what people think. Usually only in the instance of people who I care about or whose opinions I value. This is where my deep thinking comes in... I usually kill any happiness stone dead within 5 minutes because I overanalyze far too often. Hence me being distraught all day because I was like AGH JACOB IS GOING TO HATE ME FOR ETERNITY FOR BEING SO BLUNT AND AWKWARD BLARGH.

Which leads me to my next point. When I need to stand up for something, make a point, or get answers, I'm ready to just throw it out into the open. As you know. Hey, why beat around the bush? Why? Unless it's just an untactful subject, in which case... why?Seventh things Seventh: I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just confused. There's a reason for everything. I just wish I knew so I could act accordingly. I know coming from your perspective, I'm probably coming across as a freakily blunt and quirky person that is sucking the joy out of innocent online interaction. AGAIN. Whatever. Oh well. You know why? Because I'd rather be honest and know exactly what you think, rather than doing the culturally stupid wait-5-years-before-I-inform-you-of-what-I-think-this-means-to-me. And I think I do know what you think. But still. Remember how I said I only care what people think if I respect them or value their opinion?

Well. There you go. I care. And It's driving me nuts!

Alright. Sorry for the rant. I'M BETH I'M BLUNT AND I APPROVE THIS BLUNTNESS. Are you still alive? Pop your eyes back in your head! Slap yourself a few times!

-hijo (:

Lordy, I was so in love it was blatantly obvious. My best friend was telling me I always had this funny, cute little grin whenever I mentioned Jacob's name. My family knew who Jacob was and knew that he was just a little (ahem) important to me. Finally, just when I thought he would never do it, he did it. 

He called me.

And no, not called me for the first time. That's old news. I mean, he actually, seriously, intelligently... called me.

It started off silly for the first 15 minutes or so (there goes the intelligent card I tried to play as of the previous sentence). He was driving his siblings somewhere. I talked to his sister, I joked about all kinds of things. But when all the others got out of the car and he was alone, he started talking to me about the long message I sent him. He started talking about all the things I'd waited so long for him to talk to me about.

And my nerves melted. Here we go.