Becki turns and walks towards the house. In the darkness, Jacob and I stare at each other with half smiles as if trying to cover up what is happening. A second later my face is buried into him and my breathing becomes ragged with sobs because here in this safety and this closeness, I don't have to go home.
I am home.
Maybe that's why this is so hard. I don't want to go back to NH because that's not home. This is home. I'm home with him. I'm home here.
I'm crying now, but I'm not afraid to admit it. Full out, snotty nose, red eyes, smushed makeup, wild hair, ugly sniffling... that kind of crying. I keep my arms locked tightly around him, feeling the pressure against him reminds me that he is real for now and forever. The air is getting colder. The wind isn't strong, but it's strong enough. The silence around us is building, pushing, and pulling us to the point we don't want to reach.
"I don't want to go... tell me I don't have to go," I sob.
He's saying all the right things, he's not letting me go, he's making me love him even more than ever.
"Why don't you pray," he asks gently.
"Dear God... please stop my nose from running," I laugh through the tears. That's all I can do to be funny. The rest is too hurtful to even smile. "Dear God, thank you for putting things together... and pulling things apart..."
About 35 minutes later, we've made it from the roadway to the porch, but still no good. We can't let go. We can only hold onto each other because in the morning I'll be gone and he'll be back to work. I'll be a shrinking dot on the skyline headed back to another world. I'll be waking up wishing this dream could have been a bit more real. I'll be waking up wishing I could have stayed. I'll be waking up wondering why this couldn't have had a different ending.
But sometimes you need a moment of tears for the final happy ending to be as happy as it should be.
In the pale starlight and yellow flicker of the porch light, I can see just how beautiful his eyes really are. Just a hint red from what I suspect to be tears, but not nearly as red as my own at the moment. Blue, green, and gold. The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen and they are staring back at mine.
"I could stay here all night," he says quietly.
"You've got to go, you've got to go," I hear myself respond, but I don't want him to go at all. I want to stay here, my head tipped towards his. We're terribly close and far at the same time.
I'm crying again, sniffling all the way. My face is buried in his shoulder now, my hands locked around his waist holding on for dear life. I'm shivering. He keeps pulling back to see my face and say something to make everything better.
I slide my hands to his arms and try to believe everything he's saying. I try to steady my breathing before hugging him again. I'm saying 'okay' a whole lot, but it's not okay. It's not okay. He brushes my hair out of my face. Oh, my hair is a mess. I'm a mess. This night is almost the morning. It's not okay...
He turns me to look out past the dark, looming treetops to a canopy overhead.
"You see that star? That's our star. Of course, by tomorrow night, we'll think our star is that star, and the next night that star..."
"Can they all be our stars?" I ask softly.
"This is way better than any stupid chick flick," he remarks with half a smile.
We try to be funny. We try to make the last few minutes before the final farewell as perfect and lovely as we can. There's no denying it, however.
This is hard. This is going to hurt. This is going to leave a hole in my chest that won't go away, because I won't want to try and fill it with anything else.
"I want my last words to you to be... I love you," he whispers into my hair.
"I want my last words to be... I love you more," I choke through tears and a forced laugh.
"I wish I could come up with better last words."
"What about we just say goodbye?"
I don't remember if I said goodbye or not. All I know is he takes my hand in his and starts to walk to the stairs. I follow him down to the last step. He keeps walking. I stand still. My fingers slip past his and run down his shoulder like they have so many times this weekend. But as my fingers run down his shoulder and hit the empty air, I know that's it.
No more. No more for now. For now, it's empty once again.
I watch cold and alone as his shadow walks further into the darkness towards that stupid minivan. I can't see anything, but I think he turns and looks back at me. I hug myself tighter, afraid that if I cry he will come running back. I want him to come running back. I want to go running to him.
For a split second I consider sprinting out into the darkness back into the warmth of his arms.
Not now. Not now. Now I need to be strong and stand alone. I almost change my mind. I almost run to him.
But the moment is past. He climbs into the car. The tail lights glow in the darkness. The car goes in reverse. My heart goes in reverse.
As he drives away, I watch until I can't see the lights any longer, then slump to the steps and cry like I've never cried before. Why didn't I run to him? Why couldn't I have stopped him? Why, why did I need to get on that plane tomorrow? Why couldn't I stay?
I look up at the stars, at our stars... and it only gets worse.
Soon this night will only be a distant memory, something I can pull out when I need a reminder of what love is and how strong is can be. Soon the chill I feel all over my body will be washed away. Soon the touch of his fingers against my own will be an evaporated dream. Soon he'll be just a picture on a mental shelf.
For now. Someday I'll never have to say goodbye. Someday I'll be with him forever, every single day I'll be with him.
But until then, it's just me.
I'm heartbroken, but I know one thing with complete certainty.
I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world. Whatever God is up to, it is good.
I know this.
The distance is going to hurt me, but I'd rather have this hurt than never have met Jacob.
Exhausted and still red eyed, I bury my face in the hands that had until recently been entwined with his.
Under our stars, I cry for all the things I miss so much already.
"Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on..."
You're here in my heart, and my heart will go on.
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