Why 'We're Just Friends!' Is A Big Fat Lie

I've spent a lot of time talking about relationships, but sometimes, the question isn't about the relationship. Sometimes, it's about the relationship. Yep. That's the one. The one EVERYONE knows about, but IS NOT, BY GOLLY IS NOT a relationship. Everyone KNOWS what it is, but NOBODY says what it is because if they do, the offending commentator is shot down with, "we're not in a relationship! We're just friends! Gosh we've always been just friends you chowderheaded weasel!"

Riiiight. Follow so far?

You know what I mean. Or you will. Guy meets girl. Girl meets guy. They talk, hang out, text endlessly, and a 'relationship' begins to form. Is it romantic? Is flirtatious? Is it just friends? Is it preliminary? How the heck does anyone know?

And there are more guys and girls who have asked themselves: what am I supposed to do?

I like this guy/girl, but I don't know if they like me... and I don't even know if I'm ready for a relationship. And I don't want to hurt their feelings. But what if they feel the same way? What if they don't?

Yes, sometimes it can also be the other way around.

I really do enjoy talking to them, but I don't think I LIKE like them... but gosh it's so much fun talking to him/her. I don't want to end things just because I MIGHT not like them that way. And besides, it's not my fault if they like me, right? I'm just talking to them, so I can't be leading them on or anything.

I'm sure I'm going to step on some toes, so lace up the steel toed boots:

Rule #1: Guys and girls cannot be 'just friends' if there is too much exclusive attention. Sure, at first things are all peachy, but given enough time and enough one on one attention, somebody is bound to question where things are going and if the other person is the one. Lawd I hate that word.

Texting and social media is huge in regards to this. Sure, maybe you don't hang out with him, just the two of you. Sure, you only see him in person in group settings so there is NO way anyone (including you) should consider anything to be exclusive about the two of you. But as soon as you get home, you whip out the phone, pull up facebook, and BAM- endless hours are sucked away into the not-a-relationship void. And next thing you know, one of you is going to get more attached than you meant to get attached.

Rule #2: Somebody needs to say something about where things are going. There is a reason you started exclusively texting/talking/communicating/hanging out. It's either you or him/her, but one of you felt something- otherwise, why would you spend HOURS devoted exclusively to the other person? I'm not talking about an assigned partner for a school project- I'm talking about you and the other person, of your free will, taking the time to learn more and more about each other.

After a while, someone needs to speak up and ask: where are we going with this?

It's not a fun question to make, because it makes people uncomfortable and brings up a few pointers, such as 1) What do you believe is the point of relationships? 2) Are you ready to be in a committed relationship with me? 3) Do you want a committed relationship with me?

But ask yourself, who do you want to fall in love with? Because yes, that's where this is all going if we follow the road long enough. Who do you want to fall in love with? Who do you want to be your best friend? Because it's easy to fall in love with someone who is always in the comfort zone. What are they like when you ask them hard questions and challenge them? Are they the same person? Find out now, not in marital counseling. Yes, that may sound a little harsh, but again what is the point of relationships? If the end goal is marriage, don't white wash his/her personality in hopes of painting a prettier picture now, because the paint may look nice, but the canvas is going to rot given enough time.

Rule #3: If it's not for sale, don't market it. A lot of times, we think of 'selling ourselves' to exclusively refer to the overexposure of the body (and in regards to girls). However, does anyone stop to think about other ways we sell ourselves? Our words. Our actions. Our demeanor.

When in the grey zone of relationships, there is a whole lot of attention to give and take- and people LOVE it. For girls and guys, having a someone who thinks enough of them to spend oodles of time devoted to just them leads to all kinds of good feelings. Next thing you know, you're trying very hard in all outlets to impress the other person and keep that attention. Their hobby, their lifestyle, their beliefs, it all becomes important to us because we like the attention and we want it to keep coming.

Do you really love fill-in-the-blank as much as you say you do? Do you really talk like that around other people, or just around him/her? Do you really believe that, or are you just saying it to keep things rolling? Don't be a false advertiser.

Rule #4: Don't be a little flirt. Ouch. Sorry if this one hurt, but I'm going to go with it and say yes- some of you out there are little flirts and you know it. Hint: flirting is all about giving and getting attention, two things that won't really help build a solid relationship (if that's what you're looking for) one lick. And if you're not looking to build a solid relationship, well, I'm sorry, but there's a word for people like you. Pickle. I kid. Not really. Okay, yes.

Flirting has it's place. I like to flirt, but I'm married and I have a lifelong flirting partner (note: the art of flirting is fun to dabble in, but you must earn it, sorry!) so there's that. If you're in the grey zone of relationships and you find yourself moaning about how you don't want to lead him/her on, you don't know what's going on, you just wish you knew where you both stood, allow me to help by asking this: are you being a flirt?

Flirting can be subtle. I don't need to go into it, because if you have half a conscious, you KNOW when you've said, written, or done something that can be construed as flirty.

Needless to say, if you hear someone (yourself included) hastily spit out, "we're just friends, you frothing idiot!" in relation to a guy and girl combo who exclusively talk/text/etc a whole lot, consider that to be a fair sign of a potential, probable, big fat lie.

I'll be honest, this was a hard one to write because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But let's be honest and cut to the chase: relationships aren't build on cheap thrills, dancing around the truth, and mirages. Relationships are built with faith, trust, and wild romance (if you know what's good for you!).

Just 'friends'? Maybe it's time to evaluate where you're at. Questions, comments, and slander welcome!