Part Four: Of Jacob Being Stupid (Unbiased Opinion)

"From caring comes courage." 
-Lao Tzu

The month of July was a month of sweaty dojo classes, songs of summer, late nights, too little sleep, too much school, and too much time devoted to thinking about a boy who really could care less about me for the most part. I knew he didn't think I was worth his time, but for some odd reason, I wanted to like this boy... even if he never liked me back, even if he only talked to me when he felt like it. I was allowing myself to be used a bit, but it was all in a desperate hope that somehow, some way, I would get him to like me back. From 1,017 miles away. After two months of talking. Yes, you heard right.

Every song reminded me of him. Every night I would wait up in front of my computer just in the hope of seeing a message from him. I would do anything to have him call me and sometimes he did... usually every two weeks or so. Why did he call me if he didn't like me? Oh, that's right. Because I was a funny sort of girl that made for an excellent emotional floor mat. Why I let myself go through the emotional torture I did, I don't exactly know. Maybe it was because I thought I heard heaven whispering to me, "It's okay. it's alright. It's going to turn out. Just keep pushing through, he's being a jerk right now but you wait a little bit and you'll see some pretty crazy things happen. Just you wait."

Yeah. Well. Who knows.

I didn't see anything crazy happening. 

Well, that's a lie. The only crazy I was seeing happening was the fact that I was falling for a boy I'd never met, a boy who didn't care diddly squat about me, a boy who only called me and talked to me when he felt like it. I'm repeating myself, but it was so prominent in my mind during those days. 

Was it just me not thinking straight? Was I being ridiculous? 

I would lie awake in bed, wondering what it would be like to meet him. Somehow, I seemed oblivious to the fact that HE DIDN'T LIKE ME. He didn't care. But, I couldn't let it go. For the first time in my life, I was madly in love... and with a boy I'd never met. I suppose this makes sense, considering it's me.

My constant prayer for months had been that God would use me in mighty way in this life. Well, if this was God using me in a 'mighty way', I was starting to wonder if he could use me in another kind of mighty way. Maybe one that didn't hurt my heart so much, one that didn't keep me awake, and one that didn't have me rearranging my 'single forever' plans.

The month of July was a month of me pushing and pulling at Jacob Clifton. Who was this boy? Why was he so willing to talk all the time with me, yet he snubbed me when I asked questions that only made sense? Why would he talk to me so much if he didn't like me? 

Oh. Because he was exactly the kind of boy I vowed to despise. The stupid, heartless, stupid, annoying, stupid kind. And did I mention stupid? As in stupid. Stupid, stupid boys. Jacob didn't much like my pushing and pulling, but he tolerated it as long as I messaged back.

Poor me. I liked him too much to care. I was becoming an emotional toy... and a virtual one at that. It hurt. But what hurt more was the thought of not getting to talk to him. I didn't know what to do. I kept promising myself I would stop talking to him. Just one more message. Just one more thought to finish. But somehow, I never could stop. I felt off, I felt like I was wrong.

That was when I heard it. A voice. Not the kind of voice you hear, but the kind that sort of softly murmurs from under the sheets, the kind that slowly but clearly sends you a message you really need to hear. Usually something like SMARTEN UP, STUPID! This time however, it was simple.

Stick around. This kid needs you.

Oh right, he needs me alright. He needs me to read and respond to all his smart alek-y messages. He needs to say things to me that he probably says to a bunch of other people. He needs me so he can have someone to talk to when he needs it.

No. He doesn't need me. If I wasn't here, he would talk to someone else.

Once again however, I couldn't shake it. I had to listen up. I had to.

I would act so happy and excited and to be honest, I was. I remember when 'Call Me Maybe' became a joking anthem of ours. He wrote me 'hey', and I just took over from there.

Haha I just had the dying urge to be all like

HEY I JUST MET YOU

AND THIS IS CRAZY

BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER
.....so nevermind lol

He went right along with it, of course.

I already have your number, but I LOVE that song for some ridiculous annoying reason.

Pennies and dimes for a kiss, I wasn't looking for this, but now you're in my way.

Was I? was I really in his way? Probably not in the way I wanted to be, anyway.

On it continued. I would talk to him when he wanted to talk, I would answer his every phone call because I couldn't help but want to hear that voice. I would stay up late looking for messages, but they were growing few in number. 

By the beginning of August, football was starting, his work was picking up, and Jacob was quite busy. I wished for the life of me I knew what he was doing. For the first time in two months, I wouldn't hear from him for 4 days in a row. 

Yes, 4 days. It was actually quite a short amount of time for being 'just friends', but to me it was torture. During those long August days, I would almost constantly wonder what he was up to. I would think about writing him a message, but then I would remember he hadn't written back to the two I already sent. Besides, he would talk when he wanted to. Sending another message wouldn't make a difference.

Sometimes, Jacob would post on the forums about injuries sustained during football and I would pray fervently over each and every one. I had been praying every single night since that first time we talked... for Jacob, for me, and for the 'us' that was non-existant. I prayed over the whole thing like we were a couple. We were a couple, but not in that sense. We were a couple... of weirdos. With no direction and no sense of understanding of what was really happening. I thought I knew, he wouldn't tell me, and for all I knew he didn't give a darn.

I was beginning to wonder if I gave a darn.

Still, the terse messages I received made me wonder if he was alright. They weren't the normal terse messages. He seemed stressed, overworked, and too busy. I prayed harder. I wrote happy little messages for him. I sent him a picture of me, thumbs, up, holding a sign that said 'YOU CAN DO IT!'. I was bending over backwards for this odd, secretive boy. 

Oh, I wish he knew just how much I cared about him. I wish he knew that I thought he was the most annoying, most wonderful, most careless but caring boy I'd never met. I loved every inch of his frustrating personality and I promised myself I was sure to love him in real life, too. Not that I would meet him anytime soon. Or would I?

August was burning down like a cheap candle. I was counting the days and counting the messages. I liked this wacky Jacob Clifton enormously. I had no real reason to like him. He wasn't exactly making it so that I should like him. But I liked him, oh how I liked him. August was closing in on September, and I was still just as fluttery hearted now as I was in June. However, I knew just as little about him now as I did in June. 

He was a mystery... but I was determined to be the one to unveil the answer. I was going to Sherlock Holmes this Jacob Clifton boy if it took tears, months, and endless plotting and praying. Turns out, it took all the above- and a little more.