Part Eight: Of Three Words, Storming the Castle, and Breaking Hearts

"I've wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed
Still stuck in that time when we called it love..."
-Maroon 5

Jacob and I became constantly interested in everything the other one was doing. I would still pray for him and us constantly. I would have to fight to not thinking about him every waking minute, not to mention the sleeping ones. Usually, I failed fantastically at this. Teaching and school became a chore. Sleep was something I would only do after I had lay awake a while thinking about things. Would we ever meet? Would we ever get past this? I knew he liked me. I knew it now. The question was, what next?

I would tell him everything. He would always encourage me to be confident in who I was and reach higher in everything I did. I had a crazy surge of motivation to succeed in everything I did because of him. I wanted to impress him. If he said he liked something, I did it all week. If he said he loved curly hair, my hair was curly. If he said he liked a song, I would look it up and listen to it over and over. If Jacob Clifton liked it, I was all over it.

On October 17th, Jacob once again jumped to my rescue. Generally speaking, I had been griping over any number of things about myself. It was something dumb... probably about how I looked, how much I could deadlift, or why my hands looked weird. I remember texting him all morning and wondering what kind of magic this boy possessed. 

Somehow, I was actually feeling better. When he called me that afternoon, I didn't know what to say to him or how to say it. I was so grateful to this boy I'd never met. I honestly couldn't imagine a day without a text from him. I couldn't imagine not knowing who he was. Which in all truthfulness was a bit of a hilarious thought, considering I'd only met him about 5 months ago. I don't remember what we talked about that phone call, because I had three words burning on the tip of my tongue. Three words I'd not ever told a boy before. Three words that I felt certain I needed to say, but I didn't know when or how. I beat around the bush a little but finally, it came out.

"...I love you."

I wish I could remember what he said back. I wish I could remember the rest of the conversation. Honest to goodness however, I can't remember a thing after that. I couldn't believe I just told a guy who I'd never met I loved him. But it was true. I did love him. Not just a romantic, he's amazing and cute kind of love, but a sincere, true kind of love. He reminded me of my brother in the way he was hilarious yet serious, cool but balanced, and good looking (yes, I think my brother is good looking and it's not weird). I loved him. As a person, he was simply amazing. As a friend, he was always there for me. And anything beyond that, well, I would just have to see. 

Man, did it feel good to admit it. To say it. To not just type it out, but to feel those words being spoken from my mouth. To feel how quickly the word 'love' rolled off my lips, yet how long the meaning hung in the air. To know I meant it more than I had meant anything.

I WISH I REMEMBER WHAT HE HAD SAID BACK!

**EDIT, COURTESY OF THE BEAUTIFUL JACOB CLIFTON**

(In case you felt like looting corner drugstores because of the 'we don't know what Jacob said' statement, here's what went down. There was a good deal of silence on Jacob's part. Probably because well, a girl who never met him just told him she loved him and WELL. That's not usual.

But despite the oddness and irrationality of her saying such a thing... well. He felt it too.

"Gosh... I.. I don't know what to say."

"I'm sorry to put you on the spot, I don't know if it was the right time..."

"Oh, Beth. No, no. That's touching... I won't forget that. I won't forget you. I wish I could say the same.... I just don't  know. But if my wife ends up half the woman you are... well I'll be lucky. And I mean that, with all my heart."

And yes... Beth's heart promptly melted after this.) 

**END OF EDIT**

The days were amazing. Every morning I woke knowing this: Jacob Clifton loved me. And I loved him back. How weird we were to try to make this work. But God was looking down on both of us, even though we were 1,017 miles apart from each other. Life was good. I wasn't stressed about anything. Well... 

Actually. I was confused. Again. Sound familiar?

As much as I knew Jacob meant everything he said to me, there was this one thing. The best stories always have a little bit of grey swirled into the colors. The best stories always have a dark scene to make the bright scenes brighter. And even though it never seems like it in the moment, afterwards, you see just how important those dark contrasts really are.

Cue the contrast.

Another girl.

This other girl was another student on the forums and until I showed up on June 7th, she and Jacob had been talking. My feminine intuition told me she liked him. A lot. She however, was different than me. And being the biased, persnickety and wild hearted child I was (and am), I pegged her as completely NOT the type of girl Jacob needed. 

It made things awkward for me to post anything. She would dole out large portions of typed compliments regarding how wonderful I was... which I knew stood for exactly the opposite. She knew what I was. 

Competition. 

She liked Jacob. She had been talking to him first. Basically, she was using reverse psychology online. She was trying to buddy-buddy me into staying away from him. I don't know what the heck she was doing, but it was awkward, weird, and uncomfortable.

By October, she had been a bit of a thorn in my side. I didn't like how she was handling the situation. Not simply because I didn't like competition, but because of the way she would rub in anytime she talked to Jacob about anything. In my opinion, why have competition when you can lay them out? I know. I'm a horrible person. 

I was sick of what seemed like this side flirting with Jacob. I was sick of pretending Jacob and I didn't like each other. She didn't seem to know what she was doing, but she did, but she didn't... and in my typical, 'storm the castle' fashion, I decided to find out what was happening.

I was on the Collegeplus chat room and she started talking to me. I don't know why. She was annoying me by asking me questions about Jacob, by telling me all these things he had been telling her, and I didn't want to take it anymore (it wasn't like I'd already been on the edge of emotional breakdown for months, anyways). 

It felt like she was throwing it in my face. It felt like she was flaunting how much Jacob thought of her and how close they were. Did he think that? Were they that close? I had no idea, but I got annoyed. I got honest. I told her that I really liked him and I was pretty certain he really liked me. That would make her be quiet. SO THERE.

Unfortunately, the story took a turn that I didn't expect.

She suddenly and furiously began telling me all the things Jacob had written her, had said to her, or had implied to her. She steamed her keyboard as she typed out everything she deemed as relevant. I was appalled. Did he really tell her that? She had to be making this stuff up. 

Now she was saying she felt used, she couldn't believe she had "lost sleep over this", and that she was confused. Weird girl, you think YOU'RE confused?

It was almost 3pm and I had to go teach, but I didn't want to go anywhere. My heart was blazing and I didn't want to believe what this girl was saying. 

Please God, let her be a liar. PLEASE. 

I had never prayed anything quite like that before, but I suppose I didn't really know what I was doing. I had just reached a point of complete trust in Jacob, and now this girl was tearing it all down.

I had to go, and I quietly told her goodbye. She was still ticked at the world (i.e. Jacob) and was ranting about how she was going to call him and make him sorry for everything he'd ever said or done. I begged her to let me handle it, but she wouldn't have it. Sadly, I didn't have time to argue. I was going to be late.

Throw on the instructor shirt, grab the duffle bag, stumble out the door.

Start the car. Pull out of the driveway. Drive girl, drive.

I felt like someone had punched me in the chest. I felt like someone had taken dull scissors and cut a hole right smack dab in the middle of my heart. 

Why was this happening? What was I supposed to believe? I knew I needed to text Jacob and find out the truth. When I got to the dojo parking lot, I texted him the only thing I could manage.

We need to talk.

I didn't know how I would teach. My brain was scattered all over the place. My heart was ten times worse. I grabbed my stuff and headed into the dojo without much hope for the rest of the day. I was scared. I was terrified. Maybe I was wrong. 

Maybe I had given out my love to someone that not only turned it down, but turned it inside out and threw it in the gutter. I honestly didn't know. I knew what I wanted to believe, but...

As I wandered further into the dojo, I felt the same as the environment around me. Completely empty. Maybe God was having an off day, but that couldn't be true. God wouldn't lead me this far simply to have me slapped across the face by another reality. I threw my gear in the office, and paced around. I needed to get ready to teach. I didn't want to teach. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't make myself.

My imagination was wandering rampant as I continued wandering around. What if she was right? I couldn't even picture myself without Jacob. I was so, so scared.

Jacob texted back. I tried to write back, but he called back before I could finish typing. 'Other Girl' had called him and chewed his head off, as promised. He sounded angry that I didn't trust him and that I had believed her. I tried to swallow down the uncertainty I was feeling about what was happening. I knew I had about 3 minutes before little kids, parents, and instructors would be parading in. I was about to start crying. Clearly, this day was at the peak of perfection. Was he mad at me? Was he scared?

I told him I trusted him. I told him I didn't know what was going on. I told him I didn't know what to think. As my sensei walked in the door, I let Jacob know I had to go, but I would call him later when I finished. 

Don't cry. Don't cry.

I hung up the phone.

I felt my heart sink down to my toes.

"Well," my Sensei asked with a suspicious grin, "who was that?"

I half smiled at him, doing my best to act the part as I turned his question over in my mind.

Honestly, I didn't know.