Part Twenty Six: Of What You Think You Know

"Ain't it fun living in the real world,
Ain't it good, being all alone..."
-Paramore

It's been just over two weeks since I've been in North Carolina. It was a solo excursion last time which was both fun and not fun, mostly due to the absence of my sister, Becki. I love that kiddo to death and traveling without her just isn't as wild. At the same time, however, it was nice to have some time to gather my thoughts... especially on the return flight.

Let's back it up a minute, however. On the arriving flight I had very few hassles, short of an estranged woman named Sand (yes, you read correctly) who forgot everything she said 30 seconds after she said it, couldn't turn off (or on) the borrowed mp3 player she continually thrusted in my general direction for guidance, assistance, and maintenance, and who had about 9 pieces of gum before we'd been in the air 10 minutes.

Ahhh. Freedom of airspace.

The trip itself? Well, you know by now. I saw Jacob. Jacob saw me. We did all the thing people do when they haven't seen each other in what feels like forever (including slap and generally remark of the disgracefulness of clothing choices). I gave Jacob doodles I'd crafted during my travel time. We sang Michael Jackson. Nothing out of the ordinary.

We hung out. We worked out. We slept sometimes, laughed sometimes, snorfled, cooked things, and cleaned staircases. We did a bazillion things that no one but our families would really care to read about or remember, so I'll spare you all.

I'll cut right to the present and applicable part of everything that happened. I'll cut to what I'm pondering and wondering right now, I'll cut to what a lot of you may ponder... at least somewhat.

Why are you where you are? And why are things the way they are?

Right now, I'm very much inclined to pretend my life is a sob story, because sometimes the distance makes me feel like that's a good use of my time. Right now, I'm very much inclined to sit around and allow my life to become one countdown after another. Until I see Jacob, life feels very... pointless. I mean hey, God had us meet through extraordinary circumstances, things have always been perfect, we both feel so comfortable around each other, we've prayed through and about everything and anything.

So why am I wondering where I am? Why am I wondering why God has placed this distance between us as opposed to tru

So here's my point. I hope it hits home for anyone taking the time to read this far in.

Just because you think you are ready, just because you think something is better, just because you think you know everything, doesn't mean you are, it is, or you do. 

Let me explain a little more.

The more you think you know, guess what? God still knows more. The more you think you have it figured out, guess what? God still holds you in his hands.

Whether it's a relationship, a life choice, an addiction, a grudge, a depression, an anxiety... God will know how and why. God will always have a flawless plan.

Are there times you disagree or find it hard to believe?

Heck, there are weeks I feel so weakened and unable to trust, no matter how much I know I need to and want to. The thing is, if I look back and see where God has taken me from, if I look back and see all that he has already done, if I look back and see all the places and situations he has helped me through already... well. I start to feel a little silly for not trusting.

Are you looking back and you can't find a time God helped you through something?

Exhale and inhale one more time. Yeah.

You're welcome.

And this isn't a message. This isn't a evangelical wannabe blog. This is just poor, little, confused me pulling out the proverbial (and Biblical) glue stick to hold myself together.

All I can do is remind myself (and anyone else who may be feeling a little patched up as their eyes wander to the future) that in the end, God is always one (or maybe more than one!) step ahead of us.*

So where does this all leave the ridiculousness of Jacob and yours truly?

Right in God's hands. Right where we should be.

*Rants or opinions welcome on this!

Part Twenty Five: Of 2nd Birthdays, Layovers, and the Return to NC

"If home is where the heart is

 Then my home is where you are,

But it's getting oh so hard

 to spend these days without my heart..."

-Relient K

Summer rolled on at it's own speed. Classes came and went for me, I ran a Spartan Race, I kept busy, but in the end my life was a bit on hold every time Jacob and I were apart. I went to what felt like a bazillion weddings (2, to be exact), met some cool CPers (2, to be exact), and sent a lot of texts (more than 2, actually).

Trip #4 would be in North Carolina and for the first time ever, Jacob and I would get to see each other in person for our birthday(s). Armed only with my lack of intelligence and my sister Becki, trip #4 was probably one of the best trips yet.

Trip recap, anyone?

-The flight to North Carolina was... unique. We had a late start due to problems with our plane, a 3 hour layover in PA, and a little bit of free (anxious and nervous, too) time to watch Psych and act like hooligans. NOTE: frozen chicken shouldn't be eaten for breakfast at 6am in an airport.

-No matter what the day or how little sleep, we always have time for a workout. Unless you're Jacob and you have a football game, in which case you do school instead. Goodie ;)

-Football games are twice as fun when you know a certain hotty snotty on the team. Ahem.

-Life in Clifton house is only for those who can stand the oddness of it.

-Birthdays are best when you get hip birthday presents.

-Last minute photoshoots that make you look like you got shot.

By the time the trip ended (complete with singing Relient K Christmas songs on the car ride back to the airport), we had gotten closer yet again. Yes, I bawled my eyes out on the late flight home. Yes, I left notes for Jacob to find in his house. Yes, I was on my phone texting Jacob as soon as he was gone. Yes, I was feeling lonely all over again. But there was a new realization in my heart: things were changing.

Just last fall, I was just another college kid without a clue. This fall, I had too many clues to know what to do with. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose. It's all a matter of trusting God and giving up all the unknowns to the greatest and highest.

Summer was over. Fall was beginning. This time last year, I was uncertain. This time this year, I was still a little uncertain... but for different reasons.

Only time and prayer would tell.