"But as I'm waiting there,
the devil on my shoulder stares
Laughing that the one thing I can't get is what I need..."
-Parachute
The best stories don't always have happy endings. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. So far, this story has had an awful lot of downs, but with each down came a remarkable, beautiful 'up' to follow.
So, I couldn't help but wonder... where was the 'up' to follow this terrible down of not getting to see Jacob?!
I felt like I had waited forever. I felt like God wasn't even giving me a clue as to what was happening. Not that he needed to fill me in... but it sure would be nice!
The morning after such a tragically emotionally day, I felt surprisingly calm. The events of the previous day still hung over me. I knew we still didn't know when we would meet. I knew things were uncertain (again!). But God had given me a sweet peace to keep me until he revealed what would happen. I didn't know how long it would last, but I rested in knowing God was still working. No matter how hard things became, I knew I had to trust.
Jacob and I texted back and forth. Neither of us slept very well the night before. I had tossed and turned and woke up every hour or so. He had stayed up too late, tried to sleep, then paced around. The stress of being so in love from so far away was an unbearable strain on both of us.
When Jacob called me that morning, we both spoke in soft quiet voices. Neither of us really knew what else to say, but there was so much we wanted to say at the same time. My heart ached to simply be in the same state, never mind the same house, the same room as him.
I played with the edge of my shirt as he gently reminded me of so many things I knew deep down, but needed to hear nevertheless. We discussed how potentially I could come to North Carolina with my mom and sisters in March. He gave me a few dates and I promised to check into it.
Long story short, because I honestly cannot remember exactly how it happened: within two days, I had plane reservations for me, my mom, and my sisters to fly to North Carolina from March 7-11th.
It was real. I would get to meet Jacob Clifton. I was going to meet someone I'd met on the internet (the no-no they always tell you about, oops), I was going to meet someone I'd never met, but had fallen head over heels for.
It was happening.
I wish I could remember how such a wild thing happened, but with the crazy emotions, lack of sleep, and wild amount of prayer, I can't tell you. Somehow, God pulled everything together and blessed us with the ability for the trip to work.
Despite my dwindling faith, he had given me a chance to see Jacob.
Not surprisingly, I was stunned into disbelief when we purchased the plane tickets. it didn't seem real. Jacob didn't exactly believe it either. The whole thing felt like a dream that I might wake up from. I was happy however, no doubt about that!
I, Beth Kneuer, was going to see Jacob Clifton. It felt far too wonderful to be really happening. I tried to imagine what it would be like to turn my head and see him in real life. What would it be like to get to hug him. What it would be like to have a real, tangible person to go with that wonderful voice I'd heard a thousand times.What it would be like to have my fingers intertwined with his. What it would be like to even be in the same room!
Ladies and gentlemen, let the countdown begin. Beth Kneuer and Jacob Clifton were going to meet. I was going to the home turf of the Cliftonites and yes, I was scared. I was excited yet terrified. There was so much I had to prove to so many people. How was I going to manage? There were so many things I needed to get ready. Was I ready? Of course I was, but...
Days seemed to move slowly, but I took it as a blessing. I needed as much time as possible to get ready. At the same time however, I wished I could meet him right then and there. I guess I would have to wait and allow time to move at it's own speed.
First 16 days... then 10 days... and suddenly, I was a week out from meeting him.
Tomorrow, I will wake up and it will be a week until I see Jacob for the first time. I'm nervous. He says he's not hit by it yet. I think in the end, we're both freaked out. It's ridiculously scary when God uses you in amazing ways, because even though you know in spirit that everything will work out for good, in your frail human body, you fear that everything will fly out from under your feet. It's a rational fear. The question is, which is stronger: your faith, or your fear?
Maybe it was fair for both of us to be scared to meet the other. Considering all things, we were spending a good deal of money and time to make this happen. Families were involved. Fragile hearts were involved. There were times things felt so out of our control, so scary, and so nerve wrecking.
One evening after a particularly exhausting workout at a fight gym, I got to hear my favorite person on the phone. It was a happy surge to hear him speak. It always is. Yet, something didn't sound right.
It wasn't that he was disinterested, but he sounded discouraged. I wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure that I was right in my guessing. I didn't want to guess wrong by mistake. When we finally hung up, he texted me to say that he was sorry he was in a lousy mood. Being the good almost girlfriend I am, I called him back in point 5 seconds.
I couldn't help but let my voice drop to a softer tone. I didn't know what was wrong, if it was something big or little. It didn't matter. Whenever Jacob hurts, I hurt. It somehow gets transferred across a thousand miles to me. Whether it's a serious hurt, an annoyance, a grievance. It could have been anything. I'd still feel it from this far away.
He was feeling the 8 days rushing up against him. There was too much to get done, too little time. Too much to get ready.
I knew exactly what he was thinking. Goodness, to count up the number of things I wanted to change for the better in order to be 'ready' for him would take forever. I gently reminded him that we would be just how we needed to be when we first met, no matter how unready we felt. God would prepare us to be just as we should be.
We simply needed to trust.
I knew that as I spoke to him, I was speaking to myself.
Trust.
Believe.
If God brought you this far, you know he will keep you safe. He won't let you go.
When I hung up for the second time that night, I knew I hadn't made a dent in Jacob's less than sunny mood. I felt awful. I felt like I let him down because it was my job to make everything better. It was my job to remind him of just what he meant to me and bring out the happier colors during grey moments.
I felt like a dismal failure. I resorted to about 5 voicemails after 9pm to try and articulate what I felt. It's so hard to convey emotion through little words. It's so hard to get across something as vast as love when all you've got is some weak collections of letters to form a world of feeling.
After the voicemails, I went to bed praying for every fear and worry Jacob had. I prayed that God would build him into the man he was supposed to be. I prayed that God would help him in college studies, that he would heal him from all his injuries, that God would get both of us ready for that first encounter.
I fell asleep only to wake up quite frequently thinking about Jacob. I prayed every time I woke up only to drift back into sleep. I dreamed about Jacob coming to visit. It was unbelievable how happy we were together. I specifically remember seeing his smile and thinking just how beautiful it was. I specifically remember walking up and down my dead end street at 2:46am (yes, that number exactly) talking about nothing... just holding onto each other's hands and dreams about whatever was ahead of us. It sounds silly, but I returned to that street with him after each sleepy prayer I prayed.
In the morning, it was a jolt that woke me up. I HAD TO PRAY FOR JACOB. I had to. I texted him early because I could. I waited for him to write back because I was sure he was tutoring. When he finally did text me back around 12pm, he simply stated that it was a rough day already. I felt crushed because I hurt for him. I didn't care what it was, I wanted to fix it.
I left a voicemail first, but then he called back. I had never heard him sound so upset. I was a bit taken back because it's always been him consoling me. It was strange to hear him so shaken up... and it all had to do with meeting me for the first time. He was nervous. I was nervous.
I wished I knew what to say. I want to say something that will make a difference, but I find myself repeating the same things, saying those small words again with a hint of regret that I can't do more.
Feel better, please. I want you to feel better.
Like so many times in the past, I was torn apart by hearing him that way. I wanted to be closer. I wanted to say something more than the silly nothings spurting out of my clumsy mouth. Darn it.
Why couldn't I say what I want to? I wished I could speak like he does. He always knows what to say.
"Promise me you're feeling better?" I asked tentatively as the phone call came to a close.
"Well... I can promise you I feel better than I did," he replies with what sounds like a smile.
We hung up. We worked on CollegePlus election stuff. We moved forward. But I still felt like there was unfinished business. I couldn't move forward until I fixed him up! I knew it was impossible for me to completely remove all his doubts and fears, but I wished to God I could. I would take them all for him in a second. If only.
Workout, cooking, clean up, running around, but I still felt a hurt over Jacob's hurt. He texted me, but things still felt off. All through dinner and afterwards I felt a sense of guilt that I should've done something differently. I should've been more reassuring. I should've said more. Finally, I decided that it's been enough.
Despite the ice and snow coming down in sweeping gusts outside, I needed to drive over to my friend Kaitie's house and pray over this whole thing. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I was being dumb. Maybe. But nothing is too dumb for prayer.
I explained to Kaitie just how confused and hurt I was. I didn't know how to fix Jacob's fears, but I wanted to. I was confused as to how to make it happen (it had been awhile since I'd been confused, high time that word comes back around).
I told her just how much I wanted to take all that hurt and confusion upon myself so he didn't need to feel it. In just over a week, I would be meeting him for the first time. I had a desperate need for complete faith that God would orchestrate everything perfectly.
The fear sets in in the in between.
Phone calls over nothing much.
Sneaking feelings that everything still isn't perfectly normal.
Worrying like Pepper Potts over my Ironman.
Drive home in the cold snow and know the crunch under the tires burns such little distance in comparison to the distance between you and him. Praying while crossing the icy, slippery roads that God is keeping him safe, that God is filling him with peace and confidence. Praying that he isn't annoyed with your constant fussing. Praying that your obsessive love isn't coming across as nosy and obnoxious.
Drive home and park again. The sky is pink, the sky is still light. Closing in on a week, and even in this 'final hour' God is still working. God is still setting the pieces. Keep trusting.
Jacob, whatever you're doing right now, wherever you are, I love you. And if it hurts at all, if it makes you smile, if it stretches or pinches or pulls, know that it is all for our good and God has a purpose. I love you for you. I love you for the way God is going to use you.
In just over a week, we'll see things from a new perspective. But for now, I sit awake much too late thinking about you and praying that God is doing things for our good in whatever way he must.
Someday, we'll understand.
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