In the world of relationships that consist of guy + girl, there are certain truths that MUST be accepted. If you're new to this whole 'relationship' world, you're on cloud nine eating cotton candy. And all the married people, all the 2-5 year daters, all the people ANYWHERE with half a brain (or Siri) will look at you sternly, slap you in the face, and then for good measure, slap you again.
You featherheaded, ninny.
Understand that you're under the influence of some serious, serious agents of denial right now. Serious agents that can make you lose track of reality.
Marijuana? No, no sorry. Not even day old glue sticks. You're under the influence of hormones and happy feelings. Maybe even a touch of fairy tale magic and pixie dust. All of which are telling you that you're relationship is the taco to the bell, the mason to the jar, the Starry Night to the Van Gogh.
Please. Let's get real, shall we?
[[False]] TRUTH:
No matter how close you are, you're going to fight.
Fighting. As in verbally and potentially (but hopefully not) physically saying/doing things to hurt the other person, as opposed to solving the problem, disagreement, misunderstanding, issue by working together to get to it or through it.
I went to 3 weddings this past summer/fall. Despite feeling insanely jealous (and hungry because I don't eat cupcakes or fondue), it struck me how people would joke about 'the first serious fight'. It was brushed off as a cutsie thing, to the point that I would be forced to watch on as guests laughed along side the bride and groom about how the fight would go down. TO YOUR CORNERS, PEOPLE.
My mind was a panic. No! Not me! What!? But alas. Here's the truth.
Fighting is just something you'll have to get used to. Like brushing your teeth, it's just something you'll have to add to the grind of life. But the good news is, think about how much fun you can have spouting off to your girl friends/guy friends after the UFC worthy match takes place.
And hey, you can eat therapy chocolate, too. Yum yum. Counseling to the tune of diabetes.
THE ACTUAL TRUTH: With all politeness.
Acceptance of fighting in your relationship is perfectly stupid.
God gives you a brain. And a body. And hormones. And hopefully, at least a speck of intelligence. When you're able and ready, YOU get to pick out the person one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
And then you see them. And it's butterflies, it's cinnamon sugar on Christmas morning, it's neon laces on Nikes. It's packadilly FANTASTIC.
So question: if they're worth fighting for, worth marrying in the near future, worth money and time and emotion... why would you ever fight?
I can hear the protests.
Beth, you're not married. You don't know how hard it can get. When you live with the other person, there is no off switch. It's healthy to fight once and a while.
And even the ones still in the early phases of their relationships, I see you over there.
I really DO love him, but I know we'll fight at some point. That's just human nature. That's just life.
Hey there. FYI. As Christians, we are called to a higher standard.
Guys: That girl is your princess. She's your biggest fan, your encourager, your sidekick, your best friend.
Girls: That guy is your hero. He's your biggest fan, your encourager, your sidekick, your best friend.
Either now or at some point soon, assuming you're in a relationship with purpose, that other person is going to be there for you through thick and thin. They'll be the one up at 2am with you when you can't sleep from illness. They'll be the one who cries with you, who cooks for you, believes in you, pays for you, holds doors for you, sacrifices for you, and gives you the very years of their life.
And fighting is necessary. You WILL and MUST eventually fight with this person who, in essence, is/will become a part of you. YOU chose them. They chose YOU.
Argument = INVALID.
Stay tuned. We're about to bludgeon you over the head with more truth, and defenestrate even more lies. Or maybe the other way around. You'll see.
I found your blog randomly through the C+ forums and just wanted to make a comment on this:
ReplyDeleteYou're not being stupid or naive. I've been in a relationship for 4 years, 3 of those years we've lived in the same house. We've dealt with all sorts of crap, and we're still able to do it all without fighting. I mean, we've literally dealt with all the top fight-causers - we've dealt with finances, with family problems, with major health problems, with major communications problems, etc., etc., etc. Fighting isn't required, but to not fight requires a deep respect and a long fuse. It requires loving the other person more than you love yourself, and I think that is the biggest key that people miss. Fights are usually because you feel like you're being short-changed, but if you love the other person more than yourself and want their best rather than your own, then what is their to fight over? Who gets to spoil the other? :P If we can deal with everything that we've dealt with and not fight, then I wholeheartedly believe that fighting is not required. It's easy to have happen, but it doesn't *have* to happen.
Elizabeth- so glad to hear!!! It seems to me that the majority of people look at things as 'if they love me, than' as opposed to 'if I love them, than'. Fighting, arguing, etc, falls into this category! Work together, not fight alone. Problems and issues were meant to be tag teamed, not fought over in addition to fighting through. Thank you for being different! :)
ReplyDelete"It seems to me that the majority of people look at things as 'if they love me, than' as opposed to 'if I love them, than'."
ReplyDeleteI love that way of putting it! I know many people who talk about whether or not their relationship is "fair"...but if both parties see loving and serving the other as a privilege and goal, then what "fairness" is there to be concerned with? Honestly we come closer to disagreeing over who gets to do some chore than who has to! Like yesterday we really needed to weedeat and neither of us felt great; both of us told the other to not worry about it, just stay inside where it was cool, and the one speaking would take care of it...only to have the other contradict with saying that they could handle it, the first one should take it easy. ;) Not cause either of us really wanted to weedeat, but because both of us didn't want the other to have it. Kinda awesome. ;)
Grammatical misuse on my part, that should have been *then, not *than, apologies! ;)
ReplyDeleteBut exactly. Jacob and I have had this conversation before as well- if you are going to 'argue' about anything, make it something you can't argue about ;)