What Marriage Means (Satire Ahead!)

WARNING. I'm going to hurt some people's feelings in this post. I can feel it.

Jacob and I just recently celebrated our SECOND wedding anniversary. Crazy! Some days it feels like it's dragged on, some days I can't fathom how 2 years have gone by so fast.

When I first started this blog, my more touchy articles regarding marriage and relationships were enjoyed but often mocked due to the fact that I was engaged, but NOT married. I was discussing how marriage should work with no experience behind my wild ideas and thought processes.

I'm so glad 2 years have gone by so I can now say I have a little more experience in the field. I take this small (but still hefty) marriage experience to bring you a list. People love lists. WARNING. Satire ahead.

WHAT MARRIAGE MEANS:

-Marriage means you can lose your temper over utterly ridiculous things because regardless of how absurd or psychotic your outbursts, your spouse MUST forgive you because you are married. If they don't, you can always get a divorce.

-Marriage means gaining weight. Weight loss and 'getting jacked' is for the wedding. From there, you are free as a bird. You are expected to have a few bouts with Crossfit, P90X, and spin class before taking a few months off. You don't have to worry about keeping up appearances- your spouse is stuck with you for life, right?

-Marriage means making marriage jokes. You know. The ones like, "Oh I can't do that anymore. I'm married. *sigh*". Or maybe, "Just wait until you're married. You'll find out he's a slob. That's what happened to me. HAHA." My favorite (kidding) are the jokes regarding intimacy (or the lack there of) in marriage due to kids, school, work, schedules, too tired, too busy, not interested, I'm mad at you, leave me alone, etc etc. The mockery the social media world has made of married intimacy leaves no doubt as to why so many people have issues.

-Marriage means complaining about your spouse is funny. No, it really is. Take to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc, and make sure people know how annoying it is when he/she does X, Y, or Z. It's on Facebook, so it's okay! Just make sure you do a nice picture later with some song lyrics as a caption and all potential hard feelings are off.

-Marriage means fighting should be on the regular. Agree to disagree! You should disagree on everything and you shouldn't budge an inch if you REALLY think you are right. Because you have to be right all the time... right?

-Marriage is belittling your spouse if they mess up. They leave the kitchen cabinets open? HEAVEN FORBID. Belittle them! Treat them like an incompetent 5 year old. Rub it in their face. Tell all your friends when you see them. Laugh about it. Laugh at them. They deserve it for being so stupid!

I could go on, but I'm sure I've said enough for now. As you can guess, the previously mentioned points are far from the truth. My favorite from this list is and always will be the topic of fighting in marriage. All leading up to our wedding, people told me it was going to happen.

"It's nice that you think you won't fight, but it will happen, just wait," they'd say. "One day he'll do something or you'll do something and somebody will lose it."

...well. It's 2 years later. No fights. None. I'm dead serious. Sure, we've grown frustrated. We've had tense moments. But no fighting. No name calling. No slinging of blame. Take the other day for example:

(Phone rings)

Me: Jacob, it's the Dentist. They said you scheduled an appointment for tomorrow morning at 9am. You don't need an appointment. 

Jacob: Oh. Can you cancel it?

Me: Are you sure you scheduled it? I don't want them to charge us for canceling at the last minute.

Jacob: I don't remember. Can you just cancel it?

Me: Can you talk to them?

Jacob: All you have to do is tell them you want to cancel it.

Me: (getting frustrated and slightly worried about being charged for nothing) ...okay... I don't really know how to say that. Okay. I hope they don't charge us.

Me: (to the receptionist on the phone) Hey, we had a team miscommunication over here. Can we cancel that appointment? (holds breath and waits to hear about cancellation fee) We can? Oh. Okay. Thank you! (breathe a 'no fee' sigh of relief)

I will be honest. I was annoyed at Jacob because he should have gotten on the phone, he shouldn't have scheduled that appointment, and he was going to cost us for something we didn't even need!

But, I did my best to let the frustration dissipate and solved the problem (which turned out to not be a big deal, like most marriage 'potential fight' topics). No name calling. No sarcastic rudeness. No blaming. 

Did I want to blame Jacob? Yup. But there was no point or need for that. Fighting about it would have improved the situation by 0%, believe it or not!

For married people, yes. I know. I'm not that experienced. I'm just saying the hard truth.

For none married people. Think carefully before you get married. Find the person you can love, but not just the hugs and kisses type of love you are currently thinking of constantly.

Find the person you can love enough to let them mess up, to let them be wrong (or right!), to let them be different from you (whether that's leaving their dishes on the counter or not picking up their laundry).

In marriage, they are you. You are them.

Until next time!

-The Cliftons