Where's the Man I Married?!?!

Marriage is an adventure. And a journey. It is a long trip, one that will have ups and downs, but most of all, it will leave you wondering, why did I spend my money on this?

My bad! We're talking about money, not the opening night of The Hobbit: The Destitution of Smog.

Whoops.

Back to marriage. There are articles upon articles bemoaning the vanishing act of the other person's original self after marriage. These articles discuss things such as 'why is my wife different after the wedding?', 'why did my spouse change after we got married?', and of course, 'where's the man I married!?!?!'.

We'd like to break down for the blog audience WHY your spouse is different now that you're married.

(Warning for those who suffer from seasonal allergies or lactate intolerance, satire ahead.)

PROOF HE'S CHANGED:

"The man I married would never leave a wad of balled up socks on the kitchen counter!"

Actually, yes, he would. A lot of people leave socks in balls, piles, or what I like to call 'scrunching', aka the blobbing of socks into a 3-4 sock wad. And why would they be on the kitchen counter? Because the kitchen is where the food is. Be smart, woman. This is not a carnal sin. This is time efficiency... if you're a lazy bum.

"The man I married would never look like that first thing in the morning!"

You should see how you look first thing in the morning. National Geographic warned us what sloths looked like, but you plunged onward into marriage anyways. So really, this is not your fault or his fault, it's just science. Or it's just his poor genetics.

"The man I married would never act like THIS!"

If by this you mean dancing around the kitchen (note: husbands don't leave the kitchen) and making incoherent sounds, while shoving their face, while watching youtube videos you thought only 6th graders found hilarious, and while NOT washing the huge pile of dishes in the sink, then congratulations! You have been hoodwinked. Shame on you. I'd call Sears and see how long the warranty is.

PROOF SHE'S DIFFERENT:

"The girl I married would never be so neglectful of how she looks!"

And by neglectful, we mean she's on workout #2 of the day, so she hasn't showered. And yes, she looks like a sweet little dollop of sweat. Oh. Just kidding. She's just wearing yoga pants while sipping chai. Again.

"The girl I married would never be so lazy!"

Says the guy who leaves little lumpy sock piles on the counters.

"The girl I married would be more attentive to my needs!"

Hey, she did let you leave the socks on the counter.
______________________________________________

BASICALLY, WHAT I'D LOVE TO GET ACROSS IS THIS.

Nobody changes in marriage. Well, sure, time matures or de-matures us. We get new hobbies, lose interest in old ones, we experience love and loss. But the BIG categories- the things we like to complain about: laziness, appearance, attentiveness, attraction, work ethic, caring, kindness, falling in love... these are things that 1) we are in charge of maintaining and 2) we are in charge of forgiving and renewing when there is a lapse.

If we could stop focusing on all that is a 'problem' in our marriages and start working on finding the 'solutions', wouldn't that be for the better? Shouldn't we keep our eyes on what is pure, lovely, and right (Philippians 4:8)?

"But what if my spouse isn't willing to be a part of the solution? What if I'm the only one willing to change?"

This is a big question and I'd go so far as to say a few things.

1) Pray. Prayer is more powerful than a lot of us give credit for.

2) This bump in the marital road probably should have been addressed before marriage. Yes, we can't predict EVERY action of our spouse/future spouse, but if during the dating process you assume those little nicks in their personality will go away, you just did yourself in.

3) Are they really unwilling to change? Or do you want them to change simply because you're viewing the situation from only your point of view?

As mentioned, I can't cover every single variation of a situation regarding this, however I'd like to think I've made my point. Where's the man you married? He's sleeping next to you, he's washing the dishes, he's kissing you, he's working hard every day for you, he's praying for you, he's loving you.

Marriage is the potential for betterment of two people. That's my two cents- keep the change ;)

What 20 Days After Your Wedding Feels Like

As many of you know, we sent out a 15 page questionnaire to the closest followers of this blog. Right now, you should probably check your Spam folder in hopes that you too received said questionnaire.

That being said, if you have not received the questionnaire, let me fill you in as to what this whole thing is about.

The first 12 pages were dedicated to 'Famous 80's Film Moments', 'What Would Mikey REALLY Eat', and 'Jingles That Should Never Have Been Aired'. The final 3 pages, however, were dedicated to 'What Do You Think About the First 20 Days After Your Wedding Feels Like', or 'WDYTATF13DAYWFL' (this is not your wifi password), or also known as "Whadyafiedaywiffle'.

I know. Now that you are aware of what you've missed, both Jacob and I (yes, he's helping out today!) are here to fill you in. Well. About the whole 20 days after the wedding thing. Not the poorly aired jingles and Mikey. You'll have to wait until next month's questionnaire to jump in for that sort of stuff.

Are you ready? Here's some insight on the first almost three weeks of marriage! You'll see our answers, along with the general consensus of the questionnaired (I made that word up), both married, unmarried, cave dwelling, obsessive compulsive, etc and etc. Basically, people that have been there and done that, and people that were completely guessing. Here we go!

What are some things things that are exactly as you'd expected?

Beth: Having Jacob with me all the time, eating together, figuring out life, laundry, stealing his socks, wearing all his clothes, planning, praying together... it's all a very generous gift from God that I don't deserve.

Jacob: Every day life is exactly as I would expect it. Excitement and laughs- life peppered with kisses turns simple and usually boring things into amazing things.

The General Public: Most of you said that you expected food to taste the same, slumber parties to skyrocket, and that morning breath is morning breath.


What is something better than you thought it would be?

Beth: Saying goodnight and being under the same sheets for sleeping and snuggles is fantastic. Waking up and spending everyday with someone like Jacob is perfect. That's all.

Jacob: Hm. Kissing.

The General Public: Almost all of you agreed that the answer to this one was the fact that you could stop dieting to fit into the wedding dress, and/or finally being able to admit your obsession with Cartoon Network and realizing that your spouse also loves watching Ben Ten Alien Force with gusto (we thought this was a little creepy, but heck, you guys wrote this).


What is something about marriage that is amazing that you didn't even think about?

Beth: What's amazing about marriage is seeing someone else doing so many things for you when you don't deserve it, when you don't even know why they would want to be so caring for you, and when you know they don't even have to do all those wonderful little things. There's literally nothing in it for them, yet they do it for you. Being part of that is unbelievable. Jacob and I were house sitting in NH until October 30th when we left for our place in NC- a huge blessing. However, we encountered many strange things, mainly flocks of pine bugs and other buggies, all of which Jacob valiantly spent hours (literally) exterminating for my sake. It's things like that (oh, and taping the whole thing was an amazing thing as well).

Jacob: Driving. Between bad Google Map directions, missing roads, and rampant country radio stations we had the setting for some awful drives in the past few weeks. Long drives too, not your Grandpa's drive to the Convenience Store, Wal-Mart, the local drug dealer, or any other common destinations. These trips were beefy drives between states on backroads because apparently Yankees are a little slow on the idea of interstates and so-called swift travel. Anyways, these drives, despite conditions, were exciting, goofy, and rambunctious. But I always kept two hands on the wheel at the 9 and 11 position, kids. Really.

The General Public: You don't have to worry about wiping the orange powder of Doritos from the corners of your mouth anymore, because any good spouse will love you regardless. Or so they say.


Does marriage get better with time?

Beth: Absolutely. You get to know each other better, yet the more you know, the more you want to be their best friend.

Jacob: How the heck am I supposed to answer this question? I've been married for three weeks. Who came up with this question? Anyways, as far as I can tell, yes, it does. The spark keeps sparking brighter, the flame burns brighter, the hamstrings just keep getting swoler.

The General Public: Cheese does, so you all said something along the lines of, 'Yeah'.


Have you have the first fight yet?

Beth: Oh, if I had the extremities to count the times people have told us, 'don't think you won't fight!' before and after the wedding. No fighting to date, since June 2012. That's how it's going to stay!

Jacob: Unless Beth locking me outside just for kicks and my throwing a comb at her counts, no.

The General Public: Yes, you tell us. And over something stupid, but it's okay, because the make up afterwards is amazing. It's so good, kinda like enduring a long and sad BBC version of fill-in-the-blank movie: it's not so hot during the film, but afterwards, once you've regained consciousness, you realize you were a complete moron.


Does the excitement wear off (i.e. after the huge, crazy exciting glitzy wedding, does real life seem dull, boring, and unfulfilling)?

Beth: Not at all! The excitement of a wedding is greatly different from the excitement of shopping together, driving places, figuring out budgets, Psych marathons, growing up, and working out together. Real life is a great adventure and I'm beyond grateful God has granted me Jacob as my companion through it all.

Jacob: No it doesn't. I mean, some of the weirdness wears off (because, trust me, being fresh-married feels weird). She's still hot, I still am more suave than a bowl of dark chocolate syrup, so it stays special. But it takes some level of commitment. You can't just expect it to be like that- you have to make it be like that. If you aren't treating her like a queen (because princess is too mainstream), and if she isn't treating you like Hercules (A king is too mainstream, and Hercules massacred kings anyway. At least I am pretty sure he did.)

The General Public: You mostly agreed that yes, a little, but it depended on what- i.e., a lot of you said the excitement mostly wore off in such things as breathing, witnessing your spouse taking early morning medications, or shaving your legs in the presence of others (this was one the guys mentioned).


Have you noticed the other person's 'bad' habit that everyone warned you about?

Beth: Jacob likes to eat. A lot. It's cute and funny and I think it's hilarious. Jacob turns everything into a math problem. I think it's hot (and a little nerve-wracking when he makes me determine the cheapest corn chip out of 15 varieties in weight and price). Jacob takes every chance he can to hug me, kiss me, and follows me around constantly. It's endearing and perfect. So no. He has no bad habits. All good ones ;)

Jacob: Yep! When she sweats she smells like an onion, and it's nauseating. But after not allowing her to eat or sweat, and a few pressure washer sessions, she smells fine. Ha, just kidding. So food for thought, if she snores like a cannon, did it ever occur to you that perhaps you wearing socks with crocs makes her stomach turn? No? Why not? Point being, any habit (note, HABIT or lifestyle choice, NOT rage outbreaks, gossip addiction, or smoking bongs) that may be annoying is probably matched by an equally annoying habit of yours. Get over it, learn to ignore it, figure out how to fix it (muffler while sleeping, burn the crocs AND socks), or make fun of it (only half kidding here). Cinderella wouldn't divorce Prince Charming because he didn't wax his leg hair. Oh and the thing about Beth smelling like onions? It was a joke. Joke. 

The General Public: 
She- Yep, he sings loudly in the shower and sounds like a chainsaw rubbed against the biggest chalkboard in Utah. 
He- Yep, she enjoys putting all things edible into giant food processors and turning it into a giant mass of green slime. What's more is that she expects me to eat this stuff, and claims that "you can't even taste the algae!"


What is something that you have learned that you didn't expect to?

Beth: I have learned how much I want to earn Jacob's respect. Even after marriage, I find myself constantly wishing I could be better for him. I have learned that this is not only okay, but wonderful. It means the chase is still afoot and I am still, constantly, and always pursuing his heart in all I do.

Jacob: That days go by faster as time goes by. Seriously, you blink and the day is gone. Make the most of every day (in a way that pleases God), but in the aspect of marriage, live every day like your spouse will be gone forever tomorrow.

The General Public: That patience is a virtue. Your patience will run out many, many times, but that's to be expected. All that matters is that life is a learning process, even if you are never even close to as patient as you should be. It's ok though, we're all sinners. Lack of love is to be expected, right?


What's something that you think will be timeless about marriage?

Beth: I will never tire of being kissed. There is something timeless about kisses, about saying 'I love you' at every chance, about confiding in the other person, and about treating life as an adventure. Bumbumbum... muffins.

Jacob: Beth's eyes. They're a really deep, dark brown with even darker swirls in it, and with a bluish/greenish outline. They can look like sparkly and bright one moment, and seductively dark the next. Bambi be jealous.

The General Public: The pile of dirty socks under the bed. The stuff on this said pile is definitely cat hair and NOT fungus.


What's something that is temporary (for good or bad)?

Beth: The first almost 2 weeks of our marriage has been spent in multiple locations. After our honeymoon, we've been house sitting (as mentioned), packing up my stuff from my parents' house, teaching some, resting some, driving a lot, catching up with people before we left NH, and trying to figure out all those newly married things. It's been a lot emotionally and physically, but it is temporary. And in the end, it's both good and bad, really. Bad because I'd be lying if I didn't say it was hard, but good because God is turning these circumstances into a lovely story.

Jacob: The hectic travel and life schedule. Between Thomas Edison State College being a total word-I-shouldn't-say and job insanity for both Beth and me, life won't be calm for a good long while. Now? We must take this like a learning experience. However, this is no endurance race- we will sprint to the end, even if that seems impossible. You don't grow by lowering the bar.

The General Public: The excitement and newness of marriage. Most experts agree that within two weeks you will be back to scratching your extremities (TOES AND FINGERS, keep it clean, people) and stalking around murmuring at each other. Trust me, love is SO much deeper when you are bored with each other, and comfortable with being in a brother and sister relationship. Although it may seem creepy to be sleeping with a surrogate sibling, it all works out in the end. 



Thank you for taking the time to read all this. We fully expect nostrils to flair and lawsuits to be lawsuited.

What If I Ruin My Wedding?!?!

I need to mail invitations. And a zillion other things. But instead, let's talk weddings, shall we?

Ahh, wedding day.

This is the most important day of your ENTIRE life.

Or. So we are led to believe. And don't get me wrong, this day is a BIG deal. But is it worth tears and stress and questioning your sanity? Can you make a wrong choice, order HORRIBLE decorations, and ruin your wedding?

Some might say yes. I say no. Let's delve into why you cannot and should not fret about ruining your wedding:

FIRSTLY: This is YOUR wedding. Be respectful of family members and guests, but this is your and your significant other's special day. If you like it? Go for it.

SECONDLY: What is the most important thing in planning your wedding? Having a God honoring union. How you go about that can happen a zillion ways, right? I mean, otherwise, we would all get married the same way.

THIRDLY: A wedding is about joining two souls, not matching salt shakers, wedding bubble blowers, and the most perfect/unique/ah*mazing playlist. Are those things what make it unique and memorable? Yes. But the ultimate goal of a wedding is to create a marriage that lasts forever. If you have to choose between having lasting memories of your wedding ambiance or a lasting marriage, we know which is more important.

FOURTHLY: Ask yourself: if you do your best to be economical, smart, and trust God to guide you in your decisions and planning, how can you ruin your wedding?


Outside circumstances we cannot help. But when it comes to us, we do our best, trust God, and let the results glorify him. What are your thoughts?

How To Be (or not to be) A Selfish Pig

It struck me that I've not really written a dandy, good old fashioned blog post before. Something with class and utter nonsense... a touch of irony and needless information about my current standings and take on the world around me.

But I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to post this nice picture of me and my cat:

Just kidding.

Where was I?

Today, I would like to ask you an important question. I'll skip the long paragraphs and get to the bottom line- are you a selfish pig?

I ask this politely, of course. And honestly, I feel bad for the pigs out there. Giving yourself up to become bacon doesn't sound so selfish, but I digress.

If you need lessons, let me know. But contrary to popular opinion,
I hear a lot of life (including marriage) isn't about just you.

I believe selfishness has become a prevalent theme in our culture. If you want it? Get it. If it makes YOU better? Do it. If it increases your stature in life or community? Do it and/or get it.

And then of course, there is the opposite extreme. The people who sign up for everything, volunteer for everything, and if they don't sign up for everything to help everyone, they feel guilty of being selfish or 'not giving back'.

What about life? What about waking up, going through each day, and falling asleep again at night.

Can we start here? Can we start on this page and move forward?

What if selfishness isn't about showing everyone else how NOT selfish you are, but facing each moment with not simply yourself, but someone else in mind?

As needs for help and chances for being selfless arise, take them. Keep an open heart about such things, pray that God uses you, and always, always seek to be the person that is there and willing to help others.

In relationships of all kinds, selfishness is a killer. How do you break it, defeat it, or maybe even stop it from starting? Thoughts?

In Which I Finally Chime In (Part 1)

It has been said that the first sentence is always the hardest to write. I’d like to voice my approval of that statement, especially when you’re writing means more to you than anything else on Earth.

Notice that I used that cliché as a first sentence. No, that’s not cheating.

Anyways, my name is Jacob Clifton, and I have something to say. In fact, I have a good deal to say. Down here in the South, a cliché abounds about strong, silent men, and their gabby wives. Fortunately, I’m just as gabby as any wife, and a good deal more opinionated. So for my opening of my side of “our” story, you’re going to be reading a lot about me.

That’s right. Me. You see, to truly understand my side of the story, you’ll have to understand me (or give it a good ol’ college try).

So, for the sake of artistry (and ease of writing), we’re going to travel back twenty months ago, to a house in Western North Carolina, and let the memories I have of who I was (and what I felt) take over the keyboard. Naturally, I don’t remember every exact thought that crossed my mind at the time, but the feelings and memories I remember, and those moments will dictate this narrative.

…….

It was the evening of the Seventh of June. And I was bored.

It had been a long day, and although I hadn’t done anything particularly interesting, I was tired. I just let my mind wander around as I mindlessly scrolled through various web pages that didn’t interest me (an activity we’re all familiar with).

My mind wandered to the girl I worked with at a local campground. She was cute. My sister, as usual, disapproved of my lady-friend. She always did. Sure, I’d had a dozen or so over the years, but still. I didn’t understand it. Why, she had even grown to hate..... The only one who had-

No, I wouldn’t go back there. I had passed that point, right? God has pulled me through it, just me and God. I was alright. Strong, self-sufficient.

I refreshed the “Exercise and Health Bonanza” topic on the Collegeplus Forums for the twelfth time in the past two minutes, for no particular reason. On this forum thread, I had made the grave mistake of mistaking a girl for a guy. Any decent person would have been horrified, but not I- I thrived off of the unusual and atypical.  I’d mastered the art of being unique and confident, and it’s amazing how girls fall in love with cocky guys.

Refresh.

Refresh.

Something caught my eye. No, not a new post, but something I had expected to occur. A certain young woman named Bethany had changed her profile picture. You see, she’s the one I had mistaken for a guy. I couldn’t even make out what her profile picture was of, but all I know is some person name “Kiaikid” who was passionate about fitness has fooled me into believing she was a guy.

And now she was a girl. The change of picture made that obvious.

I did a quick mental analysis of her physical appearance. Hmm. T-shirt and a skirt- typical of a hippy girl who probably is clueless about life. She was beautiful, in her own right, and she had changed her picture for me- that’s obvious. I had already mapped out the expected turn of events. It would go something like this:

Me: So I see you changed your picture.

Bethany: Yes, I did. You see, I really am a girl! Haha. Or maybe I still look like a guy in that picture.

Me: No, you strongly represent a very attractive female. You sure that’s really you?

Bethany: Yes! That’s me… and thank you (: You’re sweet (:

It was like taking candy from a baby. I had mastered the art of wooing. I was no Crunch Hardtack with thirty-inch biceps, or Johnny Cool with the flowing hair. My methods were infinitely more signature, and brought me a good deal of pride. Why, not too long before, every girl in my high school class (ten) had a crush on me.

So, in the natural course of events, I sent her a Private Message:

Nice picture ;P

Hmmm. A little bit silly looking. Perhaps the idiotic emoticon was not-needed. Either way, the conversation had started. It was going to go as expected.

Refresh.

Refresh.

Ah! She had responded:

Thanks! As you can see, I am female most of the time, although I distinctly hate female attire, and feel much more at home in unflattering sweatpants. But, I decided to change it for you, which was probably a mistake because you’re probably not worth my time. Anyways, how are you?

Well this is shocking.

That sort of response wasn’t supposed to happen. What was I supposed to say to that? Did this mean we were going to have to have a normal conversation?

What followed was a lengthy banter of witticisms, insults, and pleasantries. Was it fun? Yes. But I emerged with a sour taste in my mouth. Nothing irks me worse than not getting what I had expected or wanted. One thing I can say for certain though, this girl had guts. And I definitely wanted to talk to her again.

I went to bed thoughtful, needless to say.

The Insurmountable [[False]] Truths about Relationships: Pt. I

So to lighten up the atmosphere after some pretty heavy and morose writing on my part, I'd like to share something a lot of you (well, some of you) can relate to. For the singles, take note. For the couples, take note. For the old cat ladies, take note. Alright then, everyone listen up.

In the world of relationships that consist of guy + girl, there are certain truths that MUST be accepted. If you're new to this whole 'relationship' world, you're on cloud nine eating cotton candy. And all the married people, all the 2-5 year daters, all the people ANYWHERE with half a brain (or Siri) will look at you sternly, slap you in the face, and then for good measure, slap you again.

You featherheaded, ninny. 

Understand that you're under the influence of some serious, serious agents of denial right now. Serious agents that can make you lose track of reality.

Marijuana? No, no sorry. Not even day old glue sticks. You're under the influence of hormones and happy feelings. Maybe even a touch of fairy tale magic and pixie dust. All of which are telling you that you're relationship is the taco to the bell, the mason to the jar, the Starry Night to the Van Gogh.

Please. Let's get real, shall we?

[[False]] TRUTH: 
No matter how close you are, you're going to fight.

Fighting. As in verbally and potentially (but hopefully not) physically saying/doing things to hurt the other person, as opposed to solving the problem, disagreement, misunderstanding, issue by working together to get to it or through it.

I went to 3 weddings this past summer/fall. Despite feeling insanely jealous (and hungry because I don't eat cupcakes or fondue), it struck me how people would joke about 'the first serious fight'. It was brushed off as a cutsie thing, to the point that I would be forced to watch on as guests laughed along side the bride and groom about how the fight would go down. TO YOUR CORNERS, PEOPLE.

My mind was a panic. No! Not me! What!? But alas. Here's the truth.

Fighting is just something you'll have to get used to. Like brushing your teeth, it's just something you'll have to add to the grind of life. But the good news is, think about how much fun you can have spouting off to your girl friends/guy friends after the UFC worthy match takes place.

And hey, you can eat therapy chocolate, too. Yum yum. Counseling to the tune of diabetes. 

THE ACTUAL TRUTH: With all politeness. 
Acceptance of fighting in your relationship is perfectly stupid.

God gives you a brain. And a body. And hormones. And hopefully, at least a speck of intelligence. When you're able and ready, YOU get to pick out the person one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

And then you see them. And it's butterflies, it's cinnamon sugar on Christmas morning, it's neon laces on Nikes. It's packadilly FANTASTIC.

So question: if they're worth fighting for, worth marrying in the near future, worth money and time and emotion... why would you ever fight?

I can hear the protests. 

Beth, you're not married. You don't know how hard it can get. When you live with the other person, there is no off switch. It's healthy to fight once and a while.

And even the ones still in the early phases of their relationships, I see you over there.

I really DO love him, but I know we'll fight at some point. That's just human nature. That's just life.

Hey there. FYI. As Christians, we are called to a higher standard.

Guys: That girl is your princess. She's your biggest fan, your encourager, your sidekick, your best friend.

Girls: That guy is your hero. He's your biggest fan, your encourager, your sidekick, your best friend.

Either now or at some point soon, assuming you're in a relationship with purpose, that other person is going to be there for you through thick and thin. They'll be the one up at 2am with you when you can't sleep from illness. They'll be the one who cries with you, who cooks for you, believes in you, pays for you, holds doors for you, sacrifices for you, and gives you the very years of their life.

And fighting is necessary. You WILL and MUST eventually fight with this person who, in essence, is/will become a part of you. YOU chose them. They chose YOU.

Argument = INVALID.

Stay tuned. We're about to bludgeon you over the head with more truth, and defenestrate even more lies. Or maybe the other way around. You'll see.