Part Twenty: Of Saying Goodbye, Part 2

It's dark. We've arrived. Becki gets out of the car and I can hear Jacob telling me it's time. All I can say is no, no... no. Please no. But still, I know he's right. I numbly climb out of the safety of shotgun for the last time. It's dark but I can see Becki hugging Jacob one last time. I put my computer bag down against the rear tire of the van and hope that this final scene before me is just a dream. I don't want to see this. I'm not ready for this.

Becki turns and walks towards the house. In the darkness, Jacob and I stare at each other with half smiles as if trying to cover up what is happening. A second later my face is buried into him and my breathing becomes ragged with sobs because here in this safety and this closeness, I don't have to go home. 

I am home. 

Maybe that's why this is so hard. I don't want to go back to NH because that's not home. This is home. I'm home with him. I'm home here.

I'm crying now, but I'm not afraid to admit it. Full out, snotty nose, red eyes, smushed makeup, wild hair, ugly sniffling... that kind of crying. I keep my arms locked tightly around him, feeling the pressure against him reminds me that he is real for now and forever. The air is getting colder. The wind isn't strong, but it's strong enough. The silence around us is building, pushing, and pulling us to the point we don't want to reach.

"I don't want to go... tell me I don't have to go," I sob.

He's saying all the right things, he's not letting me go, he's making me love him even more than ever.

"Why don't you pray," he asks gently.

"Dear God... please stop my nose from running," I laugh through the tears. That's all I can do to be funny. The rest is too hurtful to even smile. "Dear God, thank you for putting things together... and pulling things apart..."

About 35 minutes later, we've made it from the roadway to the porch, but still no good. We can't let go. We can only hold onto each other because in the morning I'll be gone and he'll be back to work. I'll be a shrinking dot on the skyline headed back to another world. I'll be waking up wishing this dream could have been a bit more real. I'll be waking up wishing I could have stayed. I'll be waking up wondering why this couldn't have had a different ending.

But sometimes you need a moment of tears for the final happy ending to be as happy as it should be.

In the pale starlight and yellow flicker of the porch light, I can see just how beautiful his eyes really are. Just a hint red from what I suspect to be tears, but not nearly as red as my own at the moment. Blue, green, and gold. The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen and they are staring back at mine.

"I could stay here all night," he says quietly.

"You've got to go, you've got to go," I hear myself respond, but I don't want him to go at all. I want to stay here, my head tipped towards his. We're terribly close and far at the same time.

I'm crying again, sniffling all the way. My face is buried in his shoulder now, my hands locked around his waist holding on for dear life. I'm shivering. He keeps pulling back to see my face and say something to make everything better. 

I slide my hands to his arms and try to believe everything he's saying. I try to steady my breathing before hugging him again. I'm saying 'okay' a whole lot, but it's not okay. It's not okay. He brushes my hair out of my face. Oh, my hair is a mess. I'm a mess. This night is almost the morning. It's not okay...

He turns me to look out past the dark, looming treetops to a canopy overhead.

"You see that star? That's our star. Of course, by tomorrow night, we'll think our star is that star, and the next night that star..."

"Can they all be our stars?" I ask softly.

"This is way better than any stupid chick flick," he remarks with half a smile.

We try to be funny. We try to make the last few minutes before the final farewell as perfect and lovely as we can. There's no denying it, however. 

This is hard. This is going to hurt. This is going to leave a hole in my chest that won't go away, because I won't want to try and fill it with anything else.

"I want my last words to you to be... I love you," he whispers into my hair.

"I want my last words to be... I love you more," I choke through tears and a forced laugh.

"I wish I could come up with better last words."

"What about we just say goodbye?"

I don't remember if I said goodbye or not. All I know is he takes my hand in his and starts to walk to the stairs. I follow him down to the last step. He keeps walking. I stand still. My fingers slip past his and run down his shoulder like they have so many times this weekend. But as my fingers run down his shoulder and hit the empty air, I know that's it. 

No more. No more for now. For now, it's empty once again.

I watch cold and alone as his shadow walks further into the darkness towards that stupid minivan. I can't see anything, but I think he turns and looks back at me. I hug myself tighter, afraid that if I cry he will come running back. I want him to come running back. I want to go running to him. 

For a split second I consider sprinting out into the darkness back into the warmth of his arms.

Not now. Not now. Now I need to be strong and stand alone. I almost change my mind. I almost run to him. 

But the moment is past. He climbs into the car. The tail lights glow in the darkness. The car goes in reverse. My heart goes in reverse.

As he drives away, I watch until I can't see the lights any longer, then slump to the steps and cry like I've never cried before. Why didn't I run to him? Why couldn't I have stopped him? Why, why did I need to get on that plane tomorrow? Why couldn't I stay?

I look up at the stars, at our stars... and it only gets worse.

Soon this night will only be a distant memory, something I can pull out when I need a reminder of what love is and how strong is can be. Soon the chill I feel all over my body will be washed away. Soon the touch of his fingers against my own will be an evaporated dream. Soon he'll be just a picture on a mental shelf. 

For now. Someday I'll never have to say goodbye. Someday I'll be with him forever, every single day I'll be with him.

But until then, it's just me.

I'm heartbroken, but I know one thing with complete certainty.

I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world. Whatever God is up to, it is good. 

I know this. 

The distance is going to hurt me, but I'd rather have this hurt than never have met Jacob. 

Exhausted and still red eyed, I bury my face in the hands that had until recently been entwined with his. 

Under our stars, I cry for all the things I miss so much already.

"Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on..."

You're here in my heart, and my heart will go on.

Part Nineteen: Of Saying Goodbye

"Don't say goodbye
I don't want to hear those words tonight
Maybe it's not the end for you and I..."

-Skillet

We pulled into the driveway and everyone unloaded. Aubrey promptly smacked me in Aubrey fashion. Yep, we were home. I couldn't decide if I should continue on and laugh like it was just another night, or fall to the ground and start bawling my eyes out. My mind had so quickly adjusted to this new place and this new family that I couldn't even imagine going back to before. My heart, however, knew better. 

Time was running out.

As soon as we were inside, we decided we would all finish the night out with one last huzzah. By that, I'm referring to completely collapsing in the basement to the background noise of a movie. Everyone was dead tired. We'd squeezed a lifetime of emotion and adventure into a matter of 3 days, and it had worn us out completely. 

I was in love. I'd known it all along. I'd known it since that first mind boggling day in June. I'd known it all through that hot and horrible summer. I'd known it all through those heartbreaking days in the fall. I'd known it all through those long, lonely winter days. 

But now, I knew it was true. I was at the end of my first adventure with Jacob Clifton. I could now step back and ask myself if it was really, honestly true that I loved him and his whole crazy family.

I'd seen him in real life. I'd seen him tired, giddy, sweaty, weird, wild, and hyper. I'd seen him from a distance, I'd seen him up close. I'd seen him bloodied, I'd seen him leading, I'd seen him quiet, I'd seen him loud. No, I'd not seen everything yet. But I'd seen Jacob Clifton. I'd seen the boy that first made me wonder if maybe my life plans weren't the plans for me after all. I'd seen the boy who'd changed my mind on everything.

And I was in love. I was in love with the warmth next to me that I'd only gotten to experience for such a short time. I was in love with the wild and dancing eyes, the full effort in everything, the football muscles, the crazy hair, the smiles.

But tonight was the end. It's a pity things often end just when you wish they were beginning all over again.

We stopped the movie to go upstairs and bid farewell to my mom and Lydia as they were headed home earlier than me and Becki. And that's when it happened.

Everyone huddled up in the living room to pray over our trip home tomorrow. Charity was holding onto my hand, Melody was squished up next to me... and as Jacob's dad started to pray, I started to cry. Not wild tears of desperate emotion, but soft, silent tears that were mostly held back on the inside. I knew there was nothing I could do and it was killing me.

As he prayed however, I couldn't help but feel blessed. The God who watched me shake my fist and demand a future completely chosen and molded by my own doing was the God who had blessed me with this family, this trip, this new and amazing knowledge that this was my home. The boy standing next to me was my other half in spirit- and somehow, the God who listened to me express my ultimatum of 'singleness or nothing' had blessed me with finding him.

The prayer ended, but the tears were just starting. My heart broke. Completely, honestly, and undoubtedly broke. Watching Charity's trembling bottom lip as she attempted not to cry, watching the tears carve their way down regardless, watching everyone say goodbye and wondering why. 

Why say goodbye? It's not over, it can't be over just yet...

But the rooms are all darker. The sky is black outside, the windows are being closed and covered. The littler Cliftons are climbing the stairs with a longing look back down at me. Charity stops and comes back down, staring up at me through the tears.

"I don't want you to go," Charity whispers tearfully.

"Shh, you go upstairs. I'll be back. I promise. Can you promise me something? I want to you dream about all the fun we've had on this trip. Because I'll be back. Just you wait," I tell her with as much of a smile as I can muster. 

I'll be back, yes. Sure. I hope. But for right now, I feel like I've died on the inside.

I watch her climb the stairs sniffling. I think my heart broke all over again. Turning to walk towards the kitchen, Jacob's mom stops me and tells me just how wonderful it's been to have me visit. She says I'm a delight. I know she means well, but it makes me ache to see all these faces in the dim light of this house for the last time. I know this is the last time I'll see her. I thank her, and just in time- Jacob has grabbed my hand out of nowhere and yanks hard. Down the stairs we go. I pray I locked in that last memory!

Aubrey and Becki are the last ones standing. Jacob's dad joins us for one last partial movie showing. None of us are feeling too chipper or emotionally stable, so it's all we can manage to sit in the dark room.

I'm not thinking about the movie. I'm thinking about all the tears that I'm barely holding back. I'm thinking about how quickly this visit flew by. I'm thinking about all that has happened, all that I've learned and seen. God, please don't let it end. Please.

But time has a funny way of going by much to quickly, especially when you want it to stand still. Somehow, it's already time to go. The show's over. The lights are up and on. It's time to go. Those words I never wanted to hear are on each one's mind. It's time to go.

I give Jacob a horribly pathetic look that is meant to disguise how deathly afraid I am of leaving. I'm not sure if it worked. Up the stairs. Down the hall. It's like a death march.

And while everyone gathers everything together, I'm staring into the dark living room, the dark dining room, the dark kitchen.

"I want to lock in every single memory," I say with a dejected sigh. "I don't want to forget a single thing."

The sad thing is, I know I will. I can't stand that thought. I can't stand it.

And finally, it's time for the final goodbyes. Those of us that are still awake have to part and go our separate ways.

Aubrey hugs both me and Becki. The tears are slowly sneaking out. I know my eyes are going to be a smudged mess before the morning. I'm babbling about how amazing everyone and everything has been, but suddenly and all to quickly, Aubrey is up the stairs and Jacob is nudging me out the door into the night.

Gone. They're all gone now. Jacob's whole family is no more than a memory now. They're gone and I don't know when or if I'll ever see them again. Those words plaster across my mind and I can't stop them from repeating over and over. They're gone. They're gone.

Wordlessly but not painlessly, I get into the ironvan one last time. Every single adventure we'd had during this trip, every single moment together, every single time I felt the shivers because of how real everything was... everything rushed up and forward before my eyes. It was all over... for now. But still, I couldn't shake the fear of this being the last time.

We pulled out of the driveway. Jacob tried to keep things lighthearted. Thank goodness for him trying, because I wasn't able. I was silently crying in the dark and was in no shape to start conversation.

"So Becki, how'd you like Aubrey, Jimmy, and Will?"

"Hm? Oh! Yes, I liked Aubrey and Jimmy," Becki responded good-naturedly.

"But not Will?"

"Oh no! I liked Will too! I'm too tired, I'm sorry," she said giddily.

We all smiled at that one, but that's about all two of us could sincerely muster.

"And Becki, what was your favorite part of the trip?" Jacob asked.

There was a definite moment of dead silence before she responded.

"You... all of you," she said with a bit too much emotion for me to handle.

As I prayed this final road trip would last forever, as Jacob squeezed my hand for what would be one of the last times in a good long while, as I continued to break down emotionally... I knew she was absolutely right. I bit my lip and tried hard not to cry too much. 

She was absolutely right.

Part Eighteen: Of Boardgames, Home Church, and Sinking Feelings

Waking up Sunday morning was an odd feeling. I knew I only had one day left, yet it felt so hard to believe. Even though I had only spent a few days with this new family, they were exactly that- a family. I couldn't imagine walking away from them now. I couldn't imagine packing up everyone and everything and leaving.

Yet, I knew deep down that this was the last day. Since Friday, I had been commenting on how quickly Sunday was going to come, but I didn't realize the speed was so accurate.

After going through the motions of getting up and getting ready for the day, Jacob would be headed over to hang out with us until my mom's friend arrived at the cabin. At that point, they would go their separate way and we would clamor back into the ironvan and go to the Clifton's.

Watch them pull in against the North Carolina early sun... one last time. Run out to meet them in the early morning sun... one last time. Watch Charity's blonde, 10 year old braids swing back and forth as she skips into the cabin... one last time. I was beginning to lock everything in in preparation of what tonight would bring.

What do you do the last morning of a crazy weekend trip? You take pictures (messing up many of them), braid people's hair, go on momma walks, play scrabble (and be proud of 10 point words), and wait for momma's friend who forgot about the time change. 

You listen to tobyMac and Manic Drive and anything else that pours out of Becki's iPod (including a few songs that make you want to cry because they make this last day feel very, horribly real).

Once momma's friend arrives, it's off to the races.

Travel over to a home away from home (even though you've only known it for a few days). Run amidst the chaos of just another morning. Little hands reaching for yours to pull you to all corners of the house. Sunlight glittering against the walls, but nothing to rival the delight of being in this house. That's what is really glittering in my heart.

Becki, Will, Jimmy, Aubrey, and I (yes, almost the whole tribe) decided to play Trivial Pursuit- the archaic version. We're talking OLD STUFF. We assumed Jacob was hunting around in the kitchen, so we went ahead to start the game.

Despite my initial expectations, I wasn't as horrible as I expected! Clearly, all the Trivial Pursuit games played with my dad had paid off. Jacob did join us eventually after cooking up more (yes, more) rice. He and I were on one team with the fantastic four (aka Becki, Will, Jimmy, and Aubrey) stood as our opposition. Even though they beat us, Jacob and I insisted it was because they got all the easy questions. Really. They did.

His mom tried to get some *nice* pictures of us together. A few of those photos we may or may not have messed up intentionally. 

Everything was super relaxed, natural, safe... but underneath all the warm and coziness of the family  like atmosphere, I was beginning to feel the tug of the distance. New Hampshire was calling me back and I didn't want to answer. There would be no avoiding it soon enough.

One last time to stampede to the family cave downstairs for a movie before we got ready for home church. This time however, it wasn't much of a stampede. It was more of a tired, wobbly weave against the current. Either way, Aubrey and Becki quickly laid claim to the chairs while Will and Jimmy assumed their places on the floor. Yes, poor Jimmy and Will ended up on the floor about 99% of the time, but they seemed generally accepting of it. What good kids.

I promptly assumed my place on the far left side of the couch and immediately leaned up against Jacob. By this point in the trip I was probably severely dehydrated and felt somewhat near death. Between lack of hydration and immensely draining activities and scheduling, I was dead. I was completely exhausted.

While it may sound like a horrible description, looking back on it I'm grateful. Being so tired left me extremely vulnerable. I was just about (if not completely) out of witty comebacks, funny nonsense, and energy. I was stripped down to just plain old, plain exhausted, Beth... and that was the girl who turned her head, closed her eyes, and all but fell asleep against Jacob Clifton's shoulder.

I had only known him for about 3 days. 

I didn't care. 

I felt... safe. I felt safe beyond anything else. I felt completely trashed on the outside. I felt worn out, a bit frazzled, and a bit like I needed some serious help in the appearance department. Despite all this, I wasn't afraid to go to him to be safe. 

He was someone I technically barely knew. Someone who wasn't related to me. I didn't have anything to give back. Still, he let me fall asleep right there... me and my messy hair, my t-shirt and sweatpants, my smudgey makeup, my tired fingers woven in with his.

Tomorrow I would be on my way to another world. To my home. But wasn't this my home? Wasn't my home right next to him?

All too quickly the moment was gone. Just like every other in this trip. It was just a memory, waiting to be replace by the next and the next. 

Time to get ready for church. Time was marching right on without any second thoughts. Oddly enough, Jacob and I ended up the same style shirts. Again. Should I have been surprised?

People scrambled to get ready. Aubrey couldn't find the right outfit. Charity and Melody finally got dressed after putting away the previous tea party, bandana making, etc supplies used as of earlier. Becki looked like the Easter bunny in her very Easter-y looking plaid shirt. I looked like someone who was half dead with unintentionally teased hair and some unintentionally cat-haired black leggings (courtesy of Snowball) under an unintentionally homely skirt. Jacob was bargaining for Melody's sandwich. We were all talking about people talking in their sleep. In Charity's words, "Aubrey talks in her sleep wonderfully!"

Last minute prep. Piling into the white van. Babbling about what homeschoolers do in NH because there aren't any social networks. Laughing while quoting Tobiatha. Taunting various people for no reason. Texting Jacob from the middle of the van while he's all the way in the back. Finally seeing what he looks like when he's texting me. Oh... I'd waited months and months to see those half smiles, the grins to nobody while typing out messages... and there they were. Right there on the face of my favorite boy. Right there. 

Remember this. Don't let this picture slip away. Don't let this moment slip away.

There was nothing as precious as being able to see his silly little smiles while he texted me from 5 feet away. And then we would catch each other's stares and we would get a bit sillier looking. It was a long time coming.

Finally we pull up to the house where house church is being held and a van full of hyped up kids spills out all over the place. I made sure to comment on the coordination or lack thereof in regards to outfit selection as a group. Aubrey made sure to poke me.

Strolling into the house there were a zillion people to introduce or reintroduce myself to. Will, Aubrey, and I ended up getting stuck in the dining room talking to a few people from football yesterday. There wasn't much to be talked over. I was too busy watching Jacob play the guitar from across the room.

Somehow however, Tobiatha became the topic of discussion and Aubrey and Will were rapidly quipping and quoting to the point that one of our dear friends from football was forced to ask, "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing, nothing... it's an inside joke," Will shook his head with a brilliant sense of false pity.

I broke off to go sit with my mom, Becki, and Aubrey. I became suddenly aware of how exhausted I was. I was beyond tired. Looking back, I was probably close to emotional breakdown. My head hurt, I was worn out, and I was seriously concerned I might fall asleep during church. 

But in this small gathering of people of I didn't even know, I felt at home. Aubrey was next to me singing barefoot in a skirt she took forever to pick out. I was very aware of every single word we sang. All my attention was on the fact that God had gotten me here. Yes, I was leaving so soon... but how grateful I was. How grateful I was to a God who cared enough about me to get me to North Carolina to see a boy I'd never met before.

Jacob came back and sat next to me as we moved away from the music. Oh my... I was so tired. If I could still provide entertainment to people during my exhausted state, I would consider myself a success.

"Hey, you okay?" Jacob whispered.

"Yeah... my head just hurts," I whispered back. I love how concerned he was for me over even the littlest things.

He squeezed my hand tight. I began to get that tickling sensation in my stomach that warned me this night was going to end. This trip was almost over. I only wished I could stay longer...

Sit through church. Get up. Move on. See new faces. Talk to new people. Shake hands. Give hugs. Have fun. But in the end, it was all becoming a blur. I would look across the room and see Jacob laugh, see him smile, and realize there were only hours left until I would no longer be able to see such things. I wanted time to slow down, I wanted everything to freeze. Despite my wishes, time seemed to be flying faster than I could handle.

Before I knew it, we were piling into the van and driving home. I was falling asleep in my seat, but with my fingers woven between Jacob's, I was safe. I was always safe with him next to me. 

We were headed home, but for me, I still had miles to go before I was technically home. I had planes and cars and airport gates to pass through. Still, my heart was quietly nudging me to the fact that wherever my 'home' was, my real home was here next to him.

In the fading light, the road was winding, but my heart was unwinding. The question pinpricked my spirit over and over...

God, how can I ever leave this place?