In Which I Finally Chime In (Part 1)

It has been said that the first sentence is always the hardest to write. I’d like to voice my approval of that statement, especially when you’re writing means more to you than anything else on Earth.

Notice that I used that cliché as a first sentence. No, that’s not cheating.

Anyways, my name is Jacob Clifton, and I have something to say. In fact, I have a good deal to say. Down here in the South, a cliché abounds about strong, silent men, and their gabby wives. Fortunately, I’m just as gabby as any wife, and a good deal more opinionated. So for my opening of my side of “our” story, you’re going to be reading a lot about me.

That’s right. Me. You see, to truly understand my side of the story, you’ll have to understand me (or give it a good ol’ college try).

So, for the sake of artistry (and ease of writing), we’re going to travel back twenty months ago, to a house in Western North Carolina, and let the memories I have of who I was (and what I felt) take over the keyboard. Naturally, I don’t remember every exact thought that crossed my mind at the time, but the feelings and memories I remember, and those moments will dictate this narrative.

…….

It was the evening of the Seventh of June. And I was bored.

It had been a long day, and although I hadn’t done anything particularly interesting, I was tired. I just let my mind wander around as I mindlessly scrolled through various web pages that didn’t interest me (an activity we’re all familiar with).

My mind wandered to the girl I worked with at a local campground. She was cute. My sister, as usual, disapproved of my lady-friend. She always did. Sure, I’d had a dozen or so over the years, but still. I didn’t understand it. Why, she had even grown to hate..... The only one who had-

No, I wouldn’t go back there. I had passed that point, right? God has pulled me through it, just me and God. I was alright. Strong, self-sufficient.

I refreshed the “Exercise and Health Bonanza” topic on the Collegeplus Forums for the twelfth time in the past two minutes, for no particular reason. On this forum thread, I had made the grave mistake of mistaking a girl for a guy. Any decent person would have been horrified, but not I- I thrived off of the unusual and atypical.  I’d mastered the art of being unique and confident, and it’s amazing how girls fall in love with cocky guys.

Refresh.

Refresh.

Something caught my eye. No, not a new post, but something I had expected to occur. A certain young woman named Bethany had changed her profile picture. You see, she’s the one I had mistaken for a guy. I couldn’t even make out what her profile picture was of, but all I know is some person name “Kiaikid” who was passionate about fitness has fooled me into believing she was a guy.

And now she was a girl. The change of picture made that obvious.

I did a quick mental analysis of her physical appearance. Hmm. T-shirt and a skirt- typical of a hippy girl who probably is clueless about life. She was beautiful, in her own right, and she had changed her picture for me- that’s obvious. I had already mapped out the expected turn of events. It would go something like this:

Me: So I see you changed your picture.

Bethany: Yes, I did. You see, I really am a girl! Haha. Or maybe I still look like a guy in that picture.

Me: No, you strongly represent a very attractive female. You sure that’s really you?

Bethany: Yes! That’s me… and thank you (: You’re sweet (:

It was like taking candy from a baby. I had mastered the art of wooing. I was no Crunch Hardtack with thirty-inch biceps, or Johnny Cool with the flowing hair. My methods were infinitely more signature, and brought me a good deal of pride. Why, not too long before, every girl in my high school class (ten) had a crush on me.

So, in the natural course of events, I sent her a Private Message:

Nice picture ;P

Hmmm. A little bit silly looking. Perhaps the idiotic emoticon was not-needed. Either way, the conversation had started. It was going to go as expected.

Refresh.

Refresh.

Ah! She had responded:

Thanks! As you can see, I am female most of the time, although I distinctly hate female attire, and feel much more at home in unflattering sweatpants. But, I decided to change it for you, which was probably a mistake because you’re probably not worth my time. Anyways, how are you?

Well this is shocking.

That sort of response wasn’t supposed to happen. What was I supposed to say to that? Did this mean we were going to have to have a normal conversation?

What followed was a lengthy banter of witticisms, insults, and pleasantries. Was it fun? Yes. But I emerged with a sour taste in my mouth. Nothing irks me worse than not getting what I had expected or wanted. One thing I can say for certain though, this girl had guts. And I definitely wanted to talk to her again.

I went to bed thoughtful, needless to say.

Part Twenty Two: Of Dojos, Wild Life, and Second First Meetings

"Making my way
Through the crowd

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder...."

-Vanessa Carlton

So what happened in between then and the next visit? Phone calls, a few (or a lot of) tears, trip planning, teaching classes, crossfit, finishing college, cheering on Jacob through tests, google hangouts to pick out clothes, emails, texts, and some daydreaming about seeing my main man once again. 

I made sure to make my hands all feminine and womanly
 at Crossfit before Jacob's  visit ;)

That's what happened. 

By now, however, it has been made quite clear how I mope, lament, and sob when it comes to missing Jacob, so I won't go into any more details about that. Allow me to say that the days leading up to Jacob's next visit were long and slow, plodding along at their own speed, but eventually they did lead up to a moment I'd been longing for... seeing Jacob face to face once again.

He would be staying the 30th of May to the 3rd of June after he and his dad drove from North Carolina. I didn't really care how they came or how long they stayed. I just cared that he would be coming.

Here was the game plan: Jacob and his dad would show up around 4pm at the dojo. From there, his dad would go to watch Tim's playoff baseball game while Jacob stayed to watch me try to teach classes.

That Thursday of his arrival, I could barely focus. I had to teach morning bootcamp, write curriculum, and focus in on work, but knowing that he would be coming that afternoon was just too much for me. To make it worse, Jacob refused to tell me when exactly he would be arriving. 

Yes. He is a jerk.

Through nervous hours that dragged on forever, through hoping I looked pretty enough, through praying, through adrenaline rushes through my whole body at the thought of him coming to the dojo and actually, really being in NH, it was a long day. 

The day before Jacob's first visit in NH.
Can you tell that I was ready to see him again?

And no, I wasn't entirely worried about him not telling when he would show up. You see, I was a bit of a jerk myself. I knew the doors to the dojo were locked. He would kinda sorta have to tell me when he showed up. Mhm, I'm a good girlfriend!

And a bit earlier than 4pm (okay, it was at 3pm), my phone went off and I completely freaked as I answered.

"Um, excuse me madame, would you mind opening the door?"

And that's when I knew my evil plan had worked in terms of the locked dojo doors. I quickly agreed to open the doors and hung up. But for a second I froze.

Jacob was outside my door. He was right there. He was in NH, he was in the same city, he was real.

I forced myself to walk over to the door within nothing but my minute amount of courage and my dojo garb... and there he was. He was here. He was right here. 

I grinned a bit too much as I unlocked the door and promptly hugged him. Looking back, I suppose it would have been more polite to let him step in the doorway first and not leave his dad standing outside of the building, but I couldn't think straight. It had been so long, but in the end I guess it hadn't been that long after all. He was back with me. All those long nights and days without him melted into nothing as I realized that all the waiting and all the anxiousness had come to an end. 

I'd been waiting, but I didn't have to wait any longer. Jacob Clifton was real for the second time in my life.

It was different this time... meeting up. The first time we 'met', it had been a nervous and frantic feeling. I didn't know what I was going to face, I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know if it would be good bad or great. This time, however, I knew exactly what was coming my way. Wild and mischievous blue green eyes, work out muscles, ironman sunglasses, and that goofy, heart melting smile. I guess that's why I simply hugged him. There was nothing else to really do. That simple gesture conveyed more emotion and meaning than a thousand words. It was simply so wonderful to feel a real person against me, to hear a voice from a person and not from a phone. 

It was him, and that was enough.

In all my giddiness, we immediately went on a tour of the dojo. I don't remember half of what I said or if it was intelligent, but I babbled on and on about the dojo, when it started, what was what... but the whole time, I wanted nothing more than to jump on Jacob and squeeze the air out of him via one ginormous hug. Yes. One hug was enough. But goodness, two would be even better!

Unfortunately, we were at the dojo and students were showing up. My family showed up momentarily to say hello and escort Jacob's dad to the baseball field for Tim's playoff game. I was trying to mentally get myself ready for classes. So far, so... okay. It wasn't great, but I was more determined to teach my best classes in front of Jacob than worrying about messing up. 

Oh, I did like looking out into the lobby and seeing him watching me through the glass. Just seeing his cute face from the other side made me jump. He was here, alright!

I started getting ready for class and began the pre-class routine of Simon Says and any other game the kids found interesting that day. I did my best, but I kept looking out into the lobby. Yes, I was looking out into the lobby because Jacob was there, but I was also looking out into the lobby because of another person.

Cue the arrival of my friend, Kaitie.

Kaitie had been gracious enough to take me up on my dare of arriving at the dojo and sitting next to Jacob without introducing herself. However, from what I could see, she was going above and beyond. Kaitie had not only graced the dojo with her presence, but her presence donned in her 'homeschooling mother' dress and sunglasses. Very inconspicuous, but I never said she couldn't dress like so. Hm. Legalist. 

From the other side of the glass, I watched Jacob and Kaitie cause a ruckus in the lobby. Bags of rice were thrown, sunglasses went on and off, and Lord knows they were talking about me. Goodness. 

It took all my focus to keep myself from staring out in the lobby during every class I taught that day. Jacob Clifton was out there looking every bit the handsome guy I remembered and I couldn't help but want to stare.

Classes did end eventually and I went out to my guy- a bit sweatier, more hyper... the works. Kaitie had to tell me at least once to keep my voice down. I was thoroughly obnoxious. In the lobby, walking to the car, exploring Kaitie's apartment, driving back to the dojo to get Becki from her class, and finally driving home... I wasn't sure if it was real. I felt like it was there was no way Jacob could really be with me.

Throughout it all, I was freaking out about the fact that it was 90 degrees and I was in sweatpants (and sweating like a guy.... a gross, nasty guy) and the fact that Jacob was going to be IN MY HOUSE. It seems silly to be nervous about it looking back, but I was so, so nervous about everything. 

What if he thought my family was completely freaky? What if he thought my house was freaky? What if he thought I was freaky for thinking he would think those things were freaky?

Gosh. Freaky.

But luckily dinner went by uneventfully. I smacked toes with Jacob under the table and secretly lamented my sweaty state and hoped to high heaven I didn't smell like BO. It felt weird. It felt... different. I think having only been with Jacob once before, I was grasping at straws in terms of determining what this second first visit would be like. 

But everything was alright. It was more than alright. Despite my mind not fully accepting that Jacob was real, I was still game for a game of basketball (no pun intended) with the neighbors. I was tired, emotionally drained from waiting for Jacob all day and trying to teach, but I was able and ready for wandering around my street, barefoot, with spaghetti-like wet hair, and a mitch-matched outfit, just in the name of saying tired and stupid things while poking Jacob's hair.

By 9:30pm, when Jacob's dad said they had to go home and get some sleep, I watched their van pull away and wonder if it was real, or imagined. I was left with a kitchen full of dirty dishes, a table full of crumbs, and a heart full of excited confusion. He was here. Now he was gone. BRING HIM BACK!

I must have been tired, because I felt just a twinge angry that he was gone already. Somehow, I felt like that was it. I couldn't wrap my poor mind around the thought of him coming back. I was so used to him coming and going quickly and not getting to see him, I had to convince myself that I WOULD see Jacob tomorrow and that it WOULD be okay.

Back to wandering around the kitchen. Back to wandering around the dining room. But wait a second...

Sitting there on the table was a pair of white Ironman sunglasses. Jacob had left them by mistake. 

And in my moment of doubting whether or not this was real, I knew it was real. Here was the proof. Somehow, God knew I needed that proof. How? Duh. He's God.

I quickly texted Jacob to tell him I was holding his glasses for ransom and that I missed him already. 

My dad told me Jacob would be with him tomorrow for some 'bonding time'. Is that what all dad's call it? ;)

I told Jacob what my dad said.

Jacob acted cool about it, but I could picturing him cringe. I was cringing. Why? I don't know.

My dad said I should get to bed. 

I said I probably needed it.

And crawling under the sheets that night, I lay awake pondering how lucky I am, how tomorrow would be a new day, how tomorrow would be an untold adventure, how tomorrow would be a chance to get Mr. Wonderful all over again.

Yeah. Things were going pretty okay. Really okay, actually. And I knew things would only get better. I just didn't know how much better they would truly get.

I had no idea.

Part Thirteen: Of Faith, Airports, and Sweatpants

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

-Hebrews 11:1

I woke up feeling a bit tired. Thus is the 'wake up every 2 hours because you want to pray over a dude 1,1017 miles away' lifestyle. I was still worried about Jacob. Maybe I was being silly. Something just made me feel that something was wrong. The night before hadn't been the most pleasant. I felt miserable and wanted nothing more than to talk to him. I wanted to see him. I wanted to reassure him it was okay. I wanted to make everything better.

I rolled over in bed and prayed. I was running out of words. It felt like I was asking for the same things over and over, but I knew God was listening. 

The day attacked full force. Between throwing together emails, trying to determined how to get attention to my injured wrist, finalizing trip details with my mom, rushing to answer a coaching call I forgot about, the morning was a bit of a blur. Heck, I didn't even get around to eating until 11am. Bad news, there. Around 7:30am however, Jacob had texted me. 

He said he needed prayer. He needed to talk to me. And of course, I automatically dove into further prayer for my favorite person.

When we finally were able to talk on the phone, he sounded a bit tired. Right off the bat however, he said he needed to apologize for a few things. He wanted to apologize for the way he had been treating me in comparison to other girls, he wanted to apologize for how he had been acting, and he wanted to reassure me that I was the only one for him. It was touching to hear his concern for me... it was soft and quiet like his voice when he apologized for each thing.

He also reminded me that if I ever had a problem, I needed to be honest with him. I promised I would. I promised I always would.

We kept talking on and on. Just like so many times before, we had felt struggle and overcome it. I didn't know it was possible to overcome wrinkles so easily. With Jacob, it was like they never happened. By the time we hung up, it was as if things had been perfect the whole time.

Things were getting down to the wire. With each passing day I had continuing imaginations of what the first meeting would be like. What would his family be like? How would I be able to even get out of the car once we got there? How would I even know what to say?

Fortunately, planning took most of my time away from imagining. We would be driving to Boston Wednesday night, staying over night in a hotel, shuttling to the airport, flying to NC, driving two hours, running to a Walmart to grab supplies, then finally meeting Jacob and his sister at a gas station before unloading at the cabin we'd be staying at.  After all that, we'd be returning to the Clifton residence for the rest of the evening. Yes. There was planning to be done.

Again, this was fortunate, as I needed to stay busy. The planning and working on the trip made the final days breeze by. Before any of us could realize it, Wednesday was upon us. The suitcases were packed. The reservations were made. School work was finished. All that was left was to teach one last class at the dojo before we headed off to Boston. 

Already, the trip seemed more daunting as the hours ticked onwards. Boston had heavy snow on the way. Both Jacob and I were suffering from sickness. The vastly wild unknown was no longer a swallowable notion, if it ever had been. Questions were about to be answered. The reality behind what we didn't exactly understand was about to be revealed.

Wednesday afternoon was spent with last minute planning before rushing off to teach. Teaching was frenzied and distracted. Final farewells from students, rushing home to an even more frenzied household, quickly changing out of dojo clothes, and jumping into a car.

This was it. The adventure was beginning. I could feel the adrenaline flood through my body as I realized with complete certainty that I was on my way to meet Jacob Clifton. I tried to comprehend this, but all I could do was let the adrenaline continue to make a mess of my nerves.

I texted Jacob to let him know we were departing. It didn't feel real to him. It didn't feel real to me. But it was real. It was very real.

It was snowing in Laconia, but I wasn't particularly concerned over the weather. I should've been concerned about the fact that I hadn't eaten anything in a while, but I couldn't even think about eating. I was a mess of knots. Why couldn't we just get to Boston now?

Phone calls from Jacob, helping mom navigate the roads, and mindless babbling rounded out the trip. I was tired, sick, and nervous beyond belief. By the time we arrived in Boston and successfully made it to our room, we were all thoroughly exhausted. I was sweaty from teaching, Lydia was taking pictures of everything, and Becki was reading Les Mis in the corner. My mom was already shuttling the suitcases around. I ate dinner (if you could call it that), hopped in the shower, and hopped into bed. The rest of the evening was filled with snide and silly comments about me meeting Jacob, butterflies the size of  pterodactyls swarming my insides, and You've Got Mail.

When the lights went out, my phone was full of texts from Jacob, my heart was full of something there could be no name for, and my mind refused to rest. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think. 

Tomorrow, I would see Jacob for the first time. He was nervous. I was nervous. I keep repeating it over and over again in my head in a desperate attempt to believe it was going to happen.

Tomorrow, I'm going to meet Jacob Clifton. Tomorrow, I'm going to see him for the first time.

It was only after a hard fought battle with my restless mind that I fell asleep, and though morning came fast enough, it felt like the night lasted forever. My whole body was on edge and I had to force myself to eat anything. I had to make myself go through the motions of everything because I was too nervous, too excited, and too unbelieving to properly function.

Onto the airport shuttle. Through security. Sitting at the gate. It all felt like a blur to me. Thank goodness I could text Jacob or I might have lost it. 

Speaking of Jacob, the moment of truth was finally hitting him. Every other text I received made mention of 'I'm going to die', 'I'm dying', and 'I'm done, I'm done'. The poor boy was losing his mind. I was losing my mind. This whole trip was a leap of faith. 

You know what's crazy about taking a leap of faith? You've got to completely let go. Completely. You need to hand God the reigns, give him the wheel, and stand back in complete surrender. 

As I sat at that airport gate, I had to ask myself what on earth I was doing there. Everyone who knew what I was doing thought I was crazy. Maybe I was crazy! I was at Boston Logan International Airport in sweatpants and a t-shirt with no makeup (Jacob's idea, he dared me to do it for the first meeting. Wild, wild boy that he is), staring off into the distance with a wandering heart and wandering mind. Was I insane? 

I vaguely reflected on that June evening so long ago... when Jacob and I talked for the very first time. I remembered how I felt God telling me that Jacob was the one, that I was supposed to keep talking to him. That same God brought me to this airport. That same God would be with me all the way to NC. That same God would be with me, always.

Picture messages and text messages. Checked luggage and chattering mouths... namely mine. Slowly though, the chattering was becoming less and less as the reality sank further and further in. It was time to board. Jacob received one last farewell text with a reminder: the next time I texted him, I would be in the same state. He panicked, and I shakily headed for my flight.

No details need to go into the flight or my continued and growing state of twitching nervousness. I wanted to text Jacob, but instead I was talking to a feisty grandmother and her less than agreeable 3 year old granddaughter. I wanted to be on the ground, but instead I was in the air, trapped in a mental tube with wings. I wanted to tell myself everything would be perfect, but my mind was racing out of control. 

Every 5 minutes I would poke Becki from across the aisle and make some nervous remark. I was acting like a complete dork. I lacked the brain cells to care. By the time we touched down in Charlotte, NC, I was a wreck. We were here. We were actually here. We were also late. Due to ice build up in Boston, our flight left about 45 minutes later than scheduled. Oh well. That was the least of my worries.

To the baggage claim, to the rental car shuttle, to the rental car... texting all the way. He wanted me to call him as soon as I could and as soon as I could, well, I did.

It was a strange feeling hearing his voice and knowing he was in the same state. It was a wonderful feeling though. Things would only get better and better from here.

"I'm here," I said with a goofy smile on my face and my feet on a dinky table. "I'm on your turf."

He proceeded to tell me how Aubrey filmed him folding the same shirt 4 times, shoving a chip up his nose, and other nervous acts of fear throughout the day. His parents told him he was positively loopy. I could sympathize. I was positively loopy.

It was around 3pm in the afternoon. By the time we got out of Charlotte and ran through the nearest Walmart, it would be around 5pm if all went as planned. In about 2 hours, I would be meeting him. This was slightly hard to believe. At the same time however, it was becoming frighteningly real.

Another car ride. More scrambled nerves. Dashing through a Walmart and acting like fools because anything else would be much to straining on my frazzled soul. Jumping back in the car with a freaked out feeling inside because the next time I hop out, I will be face to face with the guy I've been dying to meet for months.

My hair. Ah no. My hair is a mess. I probably have bad breath. I can't believe I'm wearing sweatpants. I've got NO MAKEUP ON, am I crazy? And eh, my skin is probably shiny from flying on a plane and sitting in stale airplane air. My hands... ew...

And that is why I was brushing my teeth, combing my hair, and frantically poking at my nails for the remainder of the car ride to meet Jacob. I was wearing the sunglasses he got me for Christmas. I was faithfully decked out in sweatpants and t-shirt, as requested. My face was painfully lacking makeup. The radio was on and 'Girl on Fire' played about 5 times, sometimes in a modulated key. Closer and closer still. 

Jacob and I kept texting, although sometimes the phone was handed over to Aubrey. We would meet up around 5:30pm at this rate, but I didn't care. It gave me more time to chomp on my toothbrush.

We finally reached our exit and I could literally feel my heart smacking back and forth in my chest. This was it, kids (in fact, I do believe I texted those exact words to Jacob). We pulled into an empty gas station parking lot (the glorified meeting place).

"Is this it?" My mom asked confusedly.

Maybe? No? We didn't know, so we turned around and pulled out to make sure that was the case. 

Oh. Yes. That was the right parking lot. We turned around and headed back after venturing no farther than half a mile from the original parking lot.

This whole time, Becki was being completely unrelenting to my poor nerves, shrieking and pointing at every passing guy saying it was Jacob. When she piped up that she saw a van driven by a guy that looked like Jacob RIGHT behind us, I flipped my lid and felt my heart tunnel into my toes. When Becki all but calmly pointed out that is WAS Jacob, I completely lost my mind.

This was it, kids.