Part Twenty Seven: What Next?

"And to your favorite song, 

we sang along to the start of forever..."

-Paramore

Trip #6 has come and gone. The funny part is, each trip has SO much build up and then... it's gone. But there's one thing to be glad about, I suppose: I'm onto another countdown!

Leading up to trip #6 was interesting, to say the least. The week after I returned from my trip, I was scheduled to head over to Portsmouth, NH for my first ever Crossfit competition- something that was both a distraction from my 'I miss Jacob' grumpiness, but also a conductor. I was stressed and scared and it made me miss him all the more.

For my first competition I did pretty well- 4th in my division (never mind how poorly the judging was, or the fact that people cheated... still. It was a good experience!). I got rather lost on the way home, came home feeling like a truck hit me, and spent the next few days wondering if I was going to die.

Once the excitement and nonsense of that wore off, things kinda suck into a sad, dark little valley. I was writing a new curriculum for a nunchuck program I'm starting up in 2014, Jacob was at the end of football (and appropriately dealing with everything that entailed, including a never ending ankle injury), I was teaching martial arts, he was teaching math, and it felt like November 9th would NEVER come. There were lots of sniffles (more than I care to admit). There were days I felt like I couldn't take it. It wasn't much fun.

The week before departure week, I had come off of a very long, very emotional weekend. I was overly pondersome and unable to focus on a darn thing. I kept wondering if I was still supposed to be in NH, if I wasn't supposed to pack up and go to NC. I didn't know if I was in the right place at all and it made everything purposeless.

The idea of 'bloom where you're planted' just didn't come naturally to me. If I was in a temporary 'planting' zone, I didn't want to bloom at all. I didn't see the point. There was no one to see the flowers anyways, right? And yes, I reminded myself that even though I didn't have Jacob, God was always with me and would always be with me. I knew he would always guide every step. Still, all the prayers, Bible reading, phone calls with Jacob... nothing filled the hole. I felt compelled to act, but I didn't want to take a step out of desperation.

If anyone can relate to this at all, please sympathize. Please ;)

In the middle of all this frustration, I was also dealing with a lot of back/neck/shoulder pain of which I couldn't quite determine the source. With Crossfit, competitions, martial arts, and of course, normal wear and tear, I didn't know what I was doing wrong. Regardless, I had to skip out on Crossfit for almost two weeks- may not sound like much, but for me, it was a LONG time.

Skipping out on that became rather old. I was still doing other training, but with the Fenway Park Spartan Race coming up soon (i.e. This Saturday. Uh oh...), I knew I needed to get put back together so I could get my act together. The trip to the chiropractor proved to be a lot different than I had anticipated.

It turned out that the pain and 'out' feeling I was experiencing was because yes, my spine/shoulders/neck were out, but the reason they were out was because of a nerve firing in my T4. The nerve firing in my T4 was because of my gallbladder.

Hold up. I'm not supposed to hear the word 'gallbladder' come out of any doctor's mouth in my presence until I'm 84, so this can't be right. But yes. Read on.

The reason my gallbladder was showing up (and resulting in making my back a poorly constructed skeletal model) was one of two reasons: extremely poor diet (guffaw) or extreme frustration, stress, and over emotional-ness.

Huh.

I'll let you draw your conclusions.

I sat there in that chiropractor's office feeling a little funny. I'd been praying for God to help me deal with all that I was feeling, now I was hearing that my body was sick and tired of all this waiting and frustration.

"Is this 'stress' going to be ending anytime soon?" My chiropractor asked.

I didn't know what to say. What was I supposed to do? I couldn't help it. Even when I wasn't consciously frustrated, I knew I was always frustrated and missing Jacob. But with only a week-ish left until I was would see him again, I would try my best to forget about it. I would determine what would happen soon enough.

Trip #6 is something a few of you had asked about before it happened. Well, here's the report. This trip was a blessing in so many ways, I don't know where to start! Our families all got to meet, ALL TOGETHER, for the first time. And guess what? It was a party all day long.

In addition, I got to watch Jacob's last football game. This, despite however small a part of the trip it was, was a huge thing for me. I knew the feeling of playing the last game of your favorite sport. When I finished my final season of field hockey, it was a strange feeling- something that made you cry, sweat, and feel complete achievement... all gone with one final game. I sympathized with Jacob on this, but even more than this, it was a clear indication to both Jacob and I as well as our families, that this season of life was coming to a close and another one would soon be starting.

As the final minutes of his game ticked down and we all made our way over to the sidelines, I was there to give Momma Clifton a hug.

"He played a really good game," I told her with a smile. "You alright?"

"Oh yes," she said as she wiped away what I strongly suspected were tears. "I can't believe he's all done now. But I'm very excited about what's next for him."

She gave me tight squeeze and I felt a little bit like crying too, for some reason.

After the game Jacob's ankle was more wrecked than before, so between hobbling and sibling chaos, the stage was set for the rest of the trip.

Both Jacob and I got sick.

I stole Jacob's shirt. And sweatshirt. And that's all, I think.

We looked up airfare.

We went on a shopping excursion.

We watched movies.

We played basketball.

We froze to death at a bonfire.

We ate peanut butter like there was no tomorrow (ahem, Aubrey).

We took wild photos (I'll be posting those soon!).

We did the chocolate dance. Yeah.

We had a birthday party for my 8 year old sister.

We had wild car rides.

We ate (actually, no) sweet potato chips that tasted like the dirt of the earth. Sorry, Momma C.

But above all, this trip was the best yet- in complete honesty. I've never felt as trusting, close, or open with Jacob then I did this past trip. Being sick in a home other than your own isn't always fun. Being tired and a bit worn out (okay, a lot worn out) and still having multiple social obligations to dance around doesn't always feel so good. But despite everything, despite anything that could have been a potential trip wrecker, this trip was amazing.

But now I'm in NH again. I'm living away from home until I can figure out the next trip. And yes, the question still plagues me- what next? But regardless, I know God will guide me. He will show me what's next, he will show us what's next.

But what about my chiropractic issue, you say? Well. It's (ironically) started flaring up as soon as I got home. Between being sick and dealing with that, I'm nervous like heck about this Saturday's race. Whatever. I'll run for all the snot that's in my body ;) Oh, and maybe for Jacob, too.

So that's where we're at now.

Nowhere in particular. But...

Hope is on the way. I can feel it.

Part Twenty Five: Of 2nd Birthdays, Layovers, and the Return to NC

"If home is where the heart is

 Then my home is where you are,

But it's getting oh so hard

 to spend these days without my heart..."

-Relient K

Summer rolled on at it's own speed. Classes came and went for me, I ran a Spartan Race, I kept busy, but in the end my life was a bit on hold every time Jacob and I were apart. I went to what felt like a bazillion weddings (2, to be exact), met some cool CPers (2, to be exact), and sent a lot of texts (more than 2, actually).

Trip #4 would be in North Carolina and for the first time ever, Jacob and I would get to see each other in person for our birthday(s). Armed only with my lack of intelligence and my sister Becki, trip #4 was probably one of the best trips yet.

Trip recap, anyone?

-The flight to North Carolina was... unique. We had a late start due to problems with our plane, a 3 hour layover in PA, and a little bit of free (anxious and nervous, too) time to watch Psych and act like hooligans. NOTE: frozen chicken shouldn't be eaten for breakfast at 6am in an airport.

-No matter what the day or how little sleep, we always have time for a workout. Unless you're Jacob and you have a football game, in which case you do school instead. Goodie ;)

-Football games are twice as fun when you know a certain hotty snotty on the team. Ahem.

-Life in Clifton house is only for those who can stand the oddness of it.

-Birthdays are best when you get hip birthday presents.

-Last minute photoshoots that make you look like you got shot.

By the time the trip ended (complete with singing Relient K Christmas songs on the car ride back to the airport), we had gotten closer yet again. Yes, I bawled my eyes out on the late flight home. Yes, I left notes for Jacob to find in his house. Yes, I was on my phone texting Jacob as soon as he was gone. Yes, I was feeling lonely all over again. But there was a new realization in my heart: things were changing.

Just last fall, I was just another college kid without a clue. This fall, I had too many clues to know what to do with. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose. It's all a matter of trusting God and giving up all the unknowns to the greatest and highest.

Summer was over. Fall was beginning. This time last year, I was uncertain. This time this year, I was still a little uncertain... but for different reasons.

Only time and prayer would tell.

Part Sixteen: Of Blankets, Tally ho's, and Football Games

"You were so hard to find,
with oh so many clouds across my summer sky
You, my constellation prize,
every single star is sparkling in your eyes.."-Owl City

Sweaty and smudgety people are my favorite.
Oh, for the memories brought on by unattractive photos ;)

We all got home a bit exhausted but beyond happy. Becki was coming right out of her shell and babbling excitedly. I assumed it had something to do with the fact that she and Jimmy had been slapping each other in some warped version of punch buggy. 

Our sorry and wild looking crew trouped to the house. Jacob was promptly attacked by Lydia. I was promptly attacked by Charity and Melody. When I was able to pry myself away, I got to talk to Mr. Clifton about the day and the differences between homeschool life in NH versus NC. I got to talk to Mrs. Clifton about who knows what. I wish I could remember in better detail, but I know without a doubt I felt so at home.

The other siblings ran outside to explore the neighborhood. Jacob and I ran downstairs to finish working on CollegePlus elections stuff. I was positively, completely worn out but that didn't really matter much. The fact that he was sitting next to me was all I really cared about.

I opened my computer to get started. He was leaning against my shoulder. Too bad I couldn't bring him around with me everywhere. I placed the computer to the side and hugged him. Oh, but I liked hugging him. Curious for someone who hates hugging people, but... I really did. I wanted to hold onto him as long as I could. Friday was almost over. I only had the weekend before I would be gone.

"We're not going to get anything done this way," I smiled.

"It won't hurt if we take away 5 minutes," he remarked, "besides, we need to recharge."

I agreed with a silent snuggle. We did eventually finish the editing work and headed up to dinner where the chaos of sibling conversation was building. We talked about the most embarrassing things that had happened to us which involved a great number of stories in which pants vanished, yanked, or removed themselves at inopportune times. Melody joined us just in time to consume what was left of my dinner in typical Clifton style (Aubrey had stolen part of my dinner the night before, hm).

Somewhere between the stolen dinner and note worthy conversation, Jimmy, Will, Aubrey, Becki and I all sang a rousing rendition of Marx Brothers tunes. I can only imagine what the parents were thinking in the other room. Either way, it was worth it.

The evening activity consisted of watching movies downstairs and posting our edited and charming video for the CollegePlus forums. Jacob and I worked on the latter while the rest of the crew meandered upstairs... but it wasn't too long before we were all finding blankets, seating, and a good view for the movie. Not surprisingly, Jacob and I ended up with about 3 younger siblings piled on top of us. On the floor. It wasn't immensely comfortable, but it was worth it.

As the evening continued on, the younger ones headed off to bed or home (depending on which family they belonged to). I was sad to see them go, but grateful for the chance to sit on the couch as opposed to the floor. Jacob and I quickly commandeered a spot on the couch without much hesitation. All the younger kiddos are upstairs? And let the resuming of the movie begin.

"Blanket?" 

But Jacob was already tucking me underneath it. I sort of, kind of, let it cover about half of me. I'm not a snuggly, hugg-ish type of person, remember? I was a tad tentative. 

"Oh please," He chided and covered me again. I didn't even think of moving the blanket again. He reached for my hand and held it in his gently. I was so unsure of how to respond. I wasn't a cuddly sort of person. 

I was taken by surprise. I'd never in a million years have expected to be so close to someone as I was right now... but when I looked over in the dim light and caught his blue green gaze, all my defenses fell. I just wanted to be with him, next to him, safe with him.

I leaned against him ever so slightly... feeling the pressure of his hand against mine, feeling the glow of a connection so small yet real, and feeling a bit more able to believe. This felt absolutely wonderful. It felt natural. It felt...

Oh, and there was that stare. I'd turn my head and peek at that beautiful face just in time to see him look down and smile at me. Those eyes. I got shivers every time he looked at me. I'd just met him, but I was already understanding just how much I could trust him.

In case it wasn't clear, I didn't really pay much attention to the movie that night. I was only watching every other scene and listening to every other word. I couldn't help it. Didn't I realize what was happening? Didn't I understand?

The boy who happened to talk to me out of pure boredom was right beside me. The boy who happened to talk to me because he found me mildly entertaining was right next to me. 

The girl who cried for months over how God had turned her life upside down was close, oh so close to him. The girl who promised to never fall in love with anyone was tied up in her own thoughts over how much she loved him... and was only the first full day she'd actually seen him in real life.

When the movie finally ended, it was fairly late. Mr. Clifton came down and joined us for some witty banter while Jacob and Will did senseless things with tape measurers. From the Marx Brothers (and yes, a bit more singing... tired as it was) to The Fugitive (oh, inside joke there), we all mumbled over various movie memories. Bedtime was calling, especially for dehydrated and exhausted girls of 19 years (aka me).

Jacob drove Becki and I home under a sky full of North Carolina stars. A hug goodnight, a walk to the cabin, and a good 30 minutes before I was able to fall asleep. Lying awake in bed because all you can think about is him, his eyes, and being right next to him. Lying awake wondering just what kind of God is so wonderful as to dream up plans such as this for a completely underserving girl like myself.

The following morning marked the beginning of my second full day in North Carolina. The weather was splendid. The day's agenda included hanging out with Will and Jimmy, working out with Clayton, playing flag football, and returning home to eat and hang out. And yes, Jacob would be with me the whole time. Not surprisingly! I considered it unnecessary to include him in the previously listed activities for that reason.

Once again I nibbled through a rather pathetic breakfast in anticipation for the day's activity. My favorite part of my North Carolina mornings? Seeing the ironvan driving that winding path up to our cabin. Oh, and there it was. Still makes me smile thinking about it. After some brief hang out time in our cabin living room, Jimmy, Will, Jacob and I all headed out for an adventure.

We couldn't go back to the house just yet as the Clifton household still had sleepy people. Instead, we went to play basketball over at Biltmore Baptist Church. The weather was tinged with a hint of spring, sun, and warmth. I confessed basketball was just another one of the recreational activities I stunk at, but nevertheless we headed off. Tally ho.

Jacob and I wandered onto the outdoor court while Will and Jimmy did school in the ironvan. I let my bare toes feel the slightly warmed pavement gratefully. More protests that my skills in the basketball department were severely lacking. Back and forth conversations with full smiles. Catching his stare and catching his hand almost as much as I was catching throws. Oh my, I loved him.

Eventually, Jimmy and Will decided it was time to get out of the cave and shoot some hoops. We went back and forth switching up players and teams. Too many times I was diving into bushes to retrieve wayward shots. Too many times I scraped my bare feet against the pavement as I ran around like a crazy lady. Too many times I would make a shot and instead of falling back on defense I would ended up hugging Jacob. I insisted that was somewhat illegal, but that didn't really seem to stop us.

A bit more basketball. Jimmy driving off in the van while Jacob returned the basketball. Driving out the entrance instead of the exit. Driving back home to fumble around the kitchen. Fumble around the kitchen while poking fun at Jimmy's cooking. Randomly smacking Jacob for no reason. Randomly grabbing his hand for a bit of a reason. Randomly looking over at him and giving a half smile, but a fully telling expression. 

A few other Cliftons returning home. Jimmy cooking me something that I only eat half of because Melody has jumped in my lap and eaten most of it. Running up stairs to get changed to workout. Melody knocking on the bathroom door every five seconds because she wants me to see the shoes she's wearing. 

Driving to drop off Jimmy and Will at Clayton's house. Sitting in a sun soaked car minus Jimmy and Will waiting for Clayton. Sitting in said sun soaked car talking about not much in particular, but so, so much at the same time. Sitting in a said sun soaked car and letting him hold my hand because... despite the warm glory of the day, I know that after tomorrow I've got an appointment with an airplane.

Clayton finally shows up and we pile in to work out. I repeatedly made note of how I'd never been to a real gym. I repeatedly made note of how I felt terrible not knowing what I was doing. I repeatedly am told not to worry about it. Oh, my humility was tested that weekend. I cannot stand not knowing what I'm doing. I cannot stand looking like I'm not knowing what I'm doing. Yet I made it through without too much damage to my pride. However, I will say this- the heavy bag did make me feel a bit more at home. Oh. And my thai kick was prettier than Clayton's.

Pile back in the car. Drive back to Clayton's. Pick up some kids. Drop off some kids. Sound familiar yet? It was time to meet up and smush people without getting in trouble. As in, it was time to go play flag football.

By the time we got to the field a good number of other people had gathered. Debbie, Jacob's friend whom I had been acquainted with over Googleplus and text, had been texting me on the car ride over. Now, I could barely get out of the ironvan before she was bounding over to give her greetings. 

What was said? I don't remember. I remember hugging her and promptly removing her hair wrap in favor of her wearing the extra blue bandana I brought along with me. She only protested a moment, but soon enough I had her decked out. Jimmy was goofing off with a yellow bandana in half mockery, but I did my best to ignore his antics and focus on the task at hand.

After fixing the bandana versus hair wrap issue, I turned to address the flock of silent and clustered homeschool girls behind me. No one said anything. Again. I went up and grabbed for the nearest hand to shake.

"Hey, I'm Beth," I said with a sincere smile. I wanted to make a good impression, I really did.

The girl looked at me like I had two heads before giving a glance at the girl next to her.

"Yeah..." she said with a half smile and a limp hand. I couldn't tell if she was shy, bored, or somehow making fun of me. I laughed for better or worse and moved on.

We made our way over to the field from the parking lot. More clustering of girls, some random guys who I was fairly certain of in terms of identities, and Cliftons scattered throughout the mix. 

Across the field Becki spotted a lacrosse net. I knew exactly what she was thinking and asked the question before she could.

"Hey Jacob, do you know what kind of net that is?" I asked with a pinch of snark.

"A soccer net. No! I mean! Ah! No no no..."

But it was too late. Becki had already cracked up before she explained what it was. Jacob, of course, feigned innocence. Oh well. Back to scanning the territory. 

"Do I need to introduce myself here too?" I asked Aubrey with a fake groan. Turns out the answer was yes. Again. I wasn't the least bit tired of introductions, but these people were asking for it by not coming up and shaking my hand. I would just have to do it my way. I surveyed the group of guys lobbing the football at each other. Tall dude, cut off dude, dude in a Hurley shirt...

"I SAY MR. HURLEY! WHAT'S YOUR NAME SIR?"

Those around me got quiet. The guys kept throwing in an attempt to either ignore me or look cool. I already knew who the kid was, but I wasn't going to say so.

"And hey. Yeah, you in the cutoff, who are you?"

"It's not a cutoff. I bought it this way," the kid said somewhat sulkily.

"Yeah well, it looks like a cutoff so you get 50% for trying," I replied in a good natured manner.

A few more intros, a few more people standing around awkwardly, divvying up the people into teams ("Hey, cutoff" was how I was addressed during team selection. Huh), and a last minute appearance by another CollegePlus student. Sofia.

I had known Sofia was coming, but it was getting later and still no show. I joked with Aubrey that perhaps I'd scared her away. But no, a van was pulling into the parking lot and a timidly smiling girl wrapped up in cute clothes and a purple bandana was headed my way. 

I don't know why I did what I'm about to describe. I was tired. I was dehydrated. I was in shock from too many things happening at once. But read on.

"Well look who's here! IT'S A REALLY WEIRD PERSON," I hollered. With a run and a leap, I jumped on her. Jumped. As in I only know how to greet people by jumping on them. Unlike Jacob, she didn't spin me around. Instead, she collapsed in a heap underneath me. Yes. I tackled her.

"So that's the right idea when it comes to football, correct?" I asked from my dominant positioning over Sofia as everyone else stared down at me with curiosity. I helped Sofia up and made sure she was okay before actually hugging her. However, greeting time was over. It was game time. 

I was basically, completely unsure of how to play football. I had played 3v3 like... oh, 3 years ago. Since then, I'd not touched, looked at, licked, poked, or talked about a football. I was going to be a disaster. I was going to embarrass the Cliftons and their good Clifton name by showing up here in my cutoff and bandana. 

I joked around. I asked Will why we were all about to battle over a ball that wasn't even round. I pointed out that I was making progress in the learning of the sport as I now knew what the football was. I laughed. I poked fun at the other guys' blocking skills. I was only a tad nervous, but at the same time I realized something: all I really needed to do was hit people. I liked hitting people. This should be a cinch.

Things went better than I had hoped. Jacob and I were on opposite teams, but that didn't matter. Despite the separation of sides, we made sure to yell at each other. I was snooty. I was obnoxious. From the outside perspective, he and I were absolutely insane. We shoved each other, made a ruckus, and probably scared all the good, civilized homeschool girls.

"Someone get this fat girl on her side of the field!"

"Someone get the ugly guy to shut up!"

And then about  54 seconds later, we would be smiling at each other in a goofy way. One of us would grab for the other's hand as we walked by. 

Jacob wasn't the only one who got yelled at. I yelled at everyone on my team. I yelled at people on the other team. I yelled at Aubrey. I yelled at Jimmy. Best yet however, was the random and secret quoting of Tobiatha. If you don't know what that is, you never will. Shh.

"Debbie! You stole my thunder," I wailed after she grabbed someone's flag before I could.

"You stole the lightning!" She laughed back.

"Hey guys, cut down on the hate," someone interrupted from across the field. "You're on the same team, you know!"

"It's not hate. When you're on the same team, this right here is called love," I responded with a gesture at Debbie who was still laughing.

Somehow during all the chaos, Jacob managed to take a knee to the face. This resulted in his sunglasses driving into his eye, which resulted in blood. As horrible as that all sounds, it was for the best. Had he not being wearing sunglasses, he would've been in serious trouble. 

Someone called a time out and I looked over to see my dear Mr. Clifton dripping blood from above his right eye. It was on the bandana, the hands, the arms... just blood everywhere. Without even thinking I immediately ran over to make sure he was okay.

I must've asked if he was okay 15 times. I followed up his confirmation with, 'Are you sure?' every single time. I wanted to do something. He handed me his bloody bandana. I took it, blood and all. We went back to the car to patch things up and after a few more questions on my part regarding his state of health, the game was on again.

As mentioned, things went well. I got 2 touchdowns which shocked the socks off me. I ran over Clayton and knocked him flat. I jammed my finger trying to run down Becki. I body slammed Aubrey. I picked off a pass. Becki scored a touchdown. I got completely knocked over by Jacob (illegally, of course). We yelled, we made everyone feel awkward, and had a lovely time. Some two hours later however, it was time to wrap things up.

People said goodbye. I thanked the guys for inviting me and one by one they came up to say farewell. I went right for the handshake bro hug. It went well for most of the guys... but for the last. This last gentleman decided to awkwardly hug me. I say awkwardly because he was the one who asked for the hug and because when he hugged me my nose ended up parallel to his armpit. Yeah. And he was wearing a cutoff. Yeah.

Saying goodbye to Debbie was the hardest. I didn't like this idea of saying goodbye to people, partly because I had fallen in love with this wild crew of homeschoolers and partly because I knew this was just the beginning of my goodbyes. I hugged her, promised I would be in touch, and felt a twinge of sadness as she handed the blue bandana back over.

"Next time I see you, wear a bandana," I instructed with a smile. I missed her already. We barely knew each other, but she was a best friend.

Before long it was just us, Clayton, and Sofia. Sofia's parents would be a little late in picking her up, so we all waited for her. Clayton sat in his old, white, and somewhat creepy vehicle eating who knows what. Becki, Aubrey, Will, and Jimmy clambered in and out of the ironvan due to excess energy. Sofia stood in between the vehicles looking a little uncertain. I didn't really blame her.

As for Jacob and me, we sat in the front of the ironvan holding hands, contemplating whether or not I smelled bad, and analyzing the gash above Jacob's eye. Goodness it looked awful. I wondered what looked worse- Jacob's battle scar or my sweaty, wild hair.

"I'll be back. I'm going to go kick my shoes across the field," I announced suddenly. Aubrey up and followed, begging to be the one who did the kicking. I donated my oversized Under Armour sweatshirt to Aubrey's shivering form, unlaced my shoes, and granted Aubrey permission to fling my shoes wayward. Aubrey then proceeded to kick the shoes across the field with great skill. I'm still proud of her. Victory! Jimmy and Becki ran over to the lacrosse net to do pull ups. Sofia joined Aubrey and I in sitting down in the dry, somewhat prickly grass.

A few minutes later, Jacob emerged from the ironvan wearing a sweatshirt and joined our party. He offered up the sweatshirt up to me as mine was currently swallowing Aubrey alive (due to it's large nature), but I turned him down. He looked incredibly adorable in that hoodie and I wanted him to keep it on. Ooh.

Without giving it a second thought, we both reached for the other's hand. Nothing important was said. Becki and Jimmy ran back over to see what was going on. Really, it was a dull moment considering everything that happened during the trip. But there was something special about being right next to him in the middle of that nothingness. There was something worth thanking God about in this moment of nothingness. Slight breeze, fading sun, those blue green eyes peering out from under that hood in time with his smile... it melted my heart.

Soon enough, Sofia had to head home. Clayton took off as well. With that, the Clifton/Kneuer crew returned to the ironvan. The whole ride home I keep apologizing for my lack of skill in pretty much everything we did that day. He keep telling me I smelled really good for someone who played basketball, worked out, and played football. I kept looking out the window at the golden glow of the dying sunlight and back to his smile. Again and again and again...

Becki, Aubrey, and Jimmy took a bajillion pictures of themselves. We sang Taylor Swift loudly and proudly. We shrieked. We laughed. The sunlight was fading away, but our enthusiasm for this Saturday was not. By the time we pulled in the driveway, we were still in extremely high spirits. Sweaty, yes. A bit bloodied? Yes. Happy?

I don't think the word comes even close to describing just how we felt. We were flying.

Part Seven: Of Southern Boys, Missing Teeth, and 1 AM Confessions

"But just hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find..."
-Secondhand Serenade

Hooliganism via scan in. Win times 20.

The introduction of texting was slow. Jacob didn't have unlimited texting, but he would text me when he could. I was no longer tied to my computer in order to talk to him which was quite an invigorating feeling. It was obvious and out in the open about how I felt, but I still couldn't pin point what he felt. I thought he did like me... but maybe he was just afraid to say it. That had to be it. 

If he didn't like me, he wouldn't be talking to me this much. I was so vulnerable at this point, I didn't really care. I knew everything that was happening was all in the control of a very loving, very personal God. He wouldn't let me down. He would bring me through this. Romans 8:28 became our mantra: "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

I was always open and I tried my hardest not sound desperate. I suppressed the fact that I didn't know, understand, or comprehend what was going on. At all. Ever. God was moving the emotional furniture around in the home within my heart. All the scraping and scuffing of chair legs didn't feel so wonderful. Still, I held on.

It's so hard to write back on these early October days. Jacob was busy with work and football, I was busy training to run a dojo and attempting to finish college. We talked when we could. We missed each other. Well, I missed him. 

I liked to think he was somewhere out there missing me. When I did talk to him, he was always so encouraging, so alive, so full of amazing things. Every day he was more and more the person I wanted to be with forever. I tried to fight it, but the more I fought it the more I loved him.

Simple texts from him made me smile.

Days flew by with a crazy intensity that I wish I could understand.

He seemed to get more and more adorable with each phone call, text message, or PM. Just thinking about him made me feel funny all over like I never had.

October 6th had been a bit of a crazy day. I remember my grandparents, my uncle, and my uncle's girlfriend had come over for dinner that night. Just before they came over that evening however, my phone went off. I was sitting at my dining room table talking to my dad, but I quickly checked to see who the message was from... not that I didn't know. I had sent Jacob a message the day before to wish him good luck in a football game. He was probably writing back to say how the game went.

Well. He was writing back alright, but it wasn't to tell me the score. It wasn't even to tell me hello. 

It was to tell me he had knocked one of his teeth out. Somehow, I couldn't make myself feel surprised. 

I promptly fretted over him, prayed, and went around my whole house explaining to anything with two ears (or maybe even one ear) what had happened to Jacob. I texted him back with all the anxious-not-really-your-girlfriend-but-heck-I-could-be questions. 

Are you alright?

Does it hurt?

Are you okay?

Oh my word... how did this happen?

He assured me he was okay, but he didn't write back after that. I was okay with that, I assumed he was probably in need of a lot of other things at the moment- namely a new tooth. He would text me when he could. I had gotten to a place of trusting him. I knew he wasn't going to run off anywhere.

What happened shortly thereafter will not soon be forgotten. Our guests showed up at my family's house. I assumed I would simply talk to Jacob later. About 15 minutes after grandparents and company had started talking to everyone, my phone went off. Again. I glanced at the number and realized it wasn't one of my contacts. DISCLAIMER: All week I had been receiving political calls. From a North Carolina number. To be honest, I was sick of it, and this was in my opinion the perfect time to tell these people to stop annoying me. I politely excused myself and answered the phone.

It wasn't a political call.

To the soundtrack of many hollering southern boy voices, I eventually figured out it was one of Jacob's friends. That's about all I could determine between the shrieking and shenanigans on the other side of the line. I tried to sound like I knew what was going on, but I didn't. 

More shrieking.

More hollering.

And finally, the phone made its way into the hands of a Mr. Jacob Clifton. While I was overly concerned about his dental health, he brushed off my worries and said he was just fine. His sister, Aubrey, was yelling in the background about how he looked like a hillbilly. My ears were literally melting from the inside out, so I told Jacob to say goodbye to Aubrey, this new character... Clayton someone or other, and the rest of his loud posse. I told him I would try to call again later and hung up.

Wow. Alright. I had no idea what all that was about.

I went back to join my family. My brother Tim kindly informed me about 2 minutes later than my phone was going off AGAIN. This 'Clayton' person was texting me. I texted back whatever I felt like texting back with no remorse. Actually, I was having fun being a snotty little weirdo in all my responses when I could. 

October 6th, 2012: The day I became a 'selifie' regular.
Also the  day I couldn't find  pancakes or a leotard, so this photo made it to NC instead.

When the guests left around 8:30pm that night, I scurried out into the October evening in my beautiful getup of sweatpants, t-shirt, and up-do bangs. For some reason my hair smelled extra lilac-y as I slipped under the dark yet clear canopy overhead. Maybe it was just me. Maybe it was because it was a bit cold out. However, without further ado, I lay on the driveway and dialed Clayton's number.

What commenced after I dialed Clayton's number is anyone's guess. It was a flurry of snarky comments, odd innuendoes that only football players could come up with, and me laughing whenever I couldn't understand what was happening... which was a lot. I don't know who I talked to. I don't know when I talked to who. Southern boys all sound the same when rilled up.

More yelling.

More wild happenings. I had a feeling I was being exploited in someway or another. To the sound of this chaotic hullabaloo, Clayton eventually hung up. I was a bit relieved.  Wow. Again. I groggily lay on the driveway pondering what I should do next. Naturally, I texted Jacob. Hopefully he wasn't so high on sugar by now. Goodness, a whole 5 minutes or so had passed. Hopefully things had calmed down.

From 9-11:30pm, I was up texting Clayton and Jacob like there was no end in sight. Tim stayed up with me and we had a most excellent time smirking and verbally smacking at people in one way or another. I eventually quit texting Clayton however, as I was getting tired and running out of interesting things to tell him. I had already come up with a number of unique challenges for him to complete, namely drinking a whole bottle of Advil and running around the block in boxers. Needless to say, he may or may not have done at least one of these.

As for Jacob, he and I continued on. For the first time in a while, I was talking to him without worrying about anything. I was simply having fun poking at him while he was poking fun at me. We started talking about the forums, about life, and before I knew it he changed the conversation towards me.

Goodness gracious I do suppose the forums have done me some good. Bethers. You are a blessing.

Tis no sure thing, but I'm thinking we would make a wicked couple :p

Now, I don't know what 'wicked' stands for in North Carolina slang, but in New Hampshire, 'wicked' is synonymous for awesome. My mind automatically translated the word and my heart skipped around a bit. And it was right after that I realized maybe, just maybe... I had succeeded. Maybe he liked me. Not as in he 'liked' me, but he actually, really LIKED me.

You know I'm not one for telling secrets. But I finally recognized the fact that you are getting to me when two months ago I was feeling real sick after a game. I wished that you were there to snuggle into and just sleep.

I literally stopped breathing for a minute. Did I just read what I thought I read? Was he saying that he... liked me? As in, he LIKED me? But what did he mean two months ago? That was in August! All this time and he never said anything? All this time I've been in limbo and he already knew? To be honest though, I didn't care if he said two months. He could've said 12 months. He liked me. He. Liked. Me. 

Jacob Clifton liked me. I played those words around in my head. Nothing else came even close to sounding so good. 

Sadly, I had to say goodnight. It was 1am and I was exhausted. My mind was reeling. As I sleepily texted him goodnight, he texted me something I didn't expect him to text. 

Love you kid.

I lied. Saying 'Jacob Clifton likes me' inside my head sounded good, but 'Jacob Clifton loves me' sounded even better. Three little words. Three little words that didn't even look that pretty. But for me, when I saw those three words, I thought I might die. Love? Did he say he loved me? Jacob Clifton loved me? And suddenly, I was so afraid. I wasn't good enough for Jacob Clifton to love me! There was no way! However, I brushed the thoughts aside and turned my cheek into my pillow as I crawled into bed. All that mattered right now was this: I had done it. I had gotten Jacob Clifton to fall in love with me. 

Through long nights, wild conversations, and using my heart as a dartboard, he finally admitted it.

Still, 1,017 miles kept us apart. I should've been extremely concerned. This wouldn't ever work. However, if God not only had us meet in the way we did, gave me the courage to stick with a guy who didn't even like me for so long, and now this guy was saying he loved me, then surely God had the rest of this figured out.

I was starting to realize faith sometimes can't be logical or rational. Sometimes, faith just believes.