Why 'We're Just Friends!' Is A Big Fat Lie

I've spent a lot of time talking about relationships, but sometimes, the question isn't about the relationship. Sometimes, it's about the relationship. Yep. That's the one. The one EVERYONE knows about, but IS NOT, BY GOLLY IS NOT a relationship. Everyone KNOWS what it is, but NOBODY says what it is because if they do, the offending commentator is shot down with, "we're not in a relationship! We're just friends! Gosh we've always been just friends you chowderheaded weasel!"

Riiiight. Follow so far?

You know what I mean. Or you will. Guy meets girl. Girl meets guy. They talk, hang out, text endlessly, and a 'relationship' begins to form. Is it romantic? Is flirtatious? Is it just friends? Is it preliminary? How the heck does anyone know?

And there are more guys and girls who have asked themselves: what am I supposed to do?

I like this guy/girl, but I don't know if they like me... and I don't even know if I'm ready for a relationship. And I don't want to hurt their feelings. But what if they feel the same way? What if they don't?

Yes, sometimes it can also be the other way around.

I really do enjoy talking to them, but I don't think I LIKE like them... but gosh it's so much fun talking to him/her. I don't want to end things just because I MIGHT not like them that way. And besides, it's not my fault if they like me, right? I'm just talking to them, so I can't be leading them on or anything.

I'm sure I'm going to step on some toes, so lace up the steel toed boots:

Rule #1: Guys and girls cannot be 'just friends' if there is too much exclusive attention. Sure, at first things are all peachy, but given enough time and enough one on one attention, somebody is bound to question where things are going and if the other person is the one. Lawd I hate that word.

Texting and social media is huge in regards to this. Sure, maybe you don't hang out with him, just the two of you. Sure, you only see him in person in group settings so there is NO way anyone (including you) should consider anything to be exclusive about the two of you. But as soon as you get home, you whip out the phone, pull up facebook, and BAM- endless hours are sucked away into the not-a-relationship void. And next thing you know, one of you is going to get more attached than you meant to get attached.

Rule #2: Somebody needs to say something about where things are going. There is a reason you started exclusively texting/talking/communicating/hanging out. It's either you or him/her, but one of you felt something- otherwise, why would you spend HOURS devoted exclusively to the other person? I'm not talking about an assigned partner for a school project- I'm talking about you and the other person, of your free will, taking the time to learn more and more about each other.

After a while, someone needs to speak up and ask: where are we going with this?

It's not a fun question to make, because it makes people uncomfortable and brings up a few pointers, such as 1) What do you believe is the point of relationships? 2) Are you ready to be in a committed relationship with me? 3) Do you want a committed relationship with me?

But ask yourself, who do you want to fall in love with? Because yes, that's where this is all going if we follow the road long enough. Who do you want to fall in love with? Who do you want to be your best friend? Because it's easy to fall in love with someone who is always in the comfort zone. What are they like when you ask them hard questions and challenge them? Are they the same person? Find out now, not in marital counseling. Yes, that may sound a little harsh, but again what is the point of relationships? If the end goal is marriage, don't white wash his/her personality in hopes of painting a prettier picture now, because the paint may look nice, but the canvas is going to rot given enough time.

Rule #3: If it's not for sale, don't market it. A lot of times, we think of 'selling ourselves' to exclusively refer to the overexposure of the body (and in regards to girls). However, does anyone stop to think about other ways we sell ourselves? Our words. Our actions. Our demeanor.

When in the grey zone of relationships, there is a whole lot of attention to give and take- and people LOVE it. For girls and guys, having a someone who thinks enough of them to spend oodles of time devoted to just them leads to all kinds of good feelings. Next thing you know, you're trying very hard in all outlets to impress the other person and keep that attention. Their hobby, their lifestyle, their beliefs, it all becomes important to us because we like the attention and we want it to keep coming.

Do you really love fill-in-the-blank as much as you say you do? Do you really talk like that around other people, or just around him/her? Do you really believe that, or are you just saying it to keep things rolling? Don't be a false advertiser.

Rule #4: Don't be a little flirt. Ouch. Sorry if this one hurt, but I'm going to go with it and say yes- some of you out there are little flirts and you know it. Hint: flirting is all about giving and getting attention, two things that won't really help build a solid relationship (if that's what you're looking for) one lick. And if you're not looking to build a solid relationship, well, I'm sorry, but there's a word for people like you. Pickle. I kid. Not really. Okay, yes.

Flirting has it's place. I like to flirt, but I'm married and I have a lifelong flirting partner (note: the art of flirting is fun to dabble in, but you must earn it, sorry!) so there's that. If you're in the grey zone of relationships and you find yourself moaning about how you don't want to lead him/her on, you don't know what's going on, you just wish you knew where you both stood, allow me to help by asking this: are you being a flirt?

Flirting can be subtle. I don't need to go into it, because if you have half a conscious, you KNOW when you've said, written, or done something that can be construed as flirty.

Needless to say, if you hear someone (yourself included) hastily spit out, "we're just friends, you frothing idiot!" in relation to a guy and girl combo who exclusively talk/text/etc a whole lot, consider that to be a fair sign of a potential, probable, big fat lie.

I'll be honest, this was a hard one to write because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But let's be honest and cut to the chase: relationships aren't build on cheap thrills, dancing around the truth, and mirages. Relationships are built with faith, trust, and wild romance (if you know what's good for you!).

Just 'friends'? Maybe it's time to evaluate where you're at. Questions, comments, and slander welcome!

When the Going Gets Tough (And Tires Get Flat)

I was busy watching Jacob carry boxes and bags of our belongs to our car (Burton. The car's name is Burton), marveling at the fact that I'd never seen anyone wear dress shoes and athletic shorts in the same outfit. In the flurrying snow. In the dark. Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

It was late and after a full day involving our secondary, NC wedding reception, we were thoroughly looking forward to crashing. Most of our stuff was already packed squarely away in the car, so all we really had to do was throw in the remaining bits and head off to our first apartment! We flopped in the car and off we go!!!

But that's the tragedy of life. When you tell yourself, 'off we go!', life often says, 'you're an idiot'.

And after rolling out 2 feet in reverse, we stopped the car, jumped out, and I marveled yet a second time that evening... as to how a tire could be so, so flat.

It was like... a black, squished marshmallow. That had been squished a lot.

And so there we were, standing in the snow and freezing wind... and I mulled over the fact that I was a moron for wearing a thin, sleeveless shirt and short athletic shorts with athletic slides while it was snowing.

Oh, and that Burton had a flat, flat tire and I just wanted to go home.

But why am I telling you all this?

I'm taking the liberty to write a little bit outside of my permitter today, yet I believe this applies especially to relationships, so the concept is still within romantic boundaries.

Adversity. You know it when you taste it, because it tastes like dirt. Or moss. The kind you might find at a crafting store to put into those little potted plants with the styrofoam and fake twiggies.

Adversity. It shows our true colors, they tell us. Because let's face it, when the going gets tough, people turn into little crabs. Nasty, little crabs.

In marriage and relationships, adversity is a potential plague. It's a mold that would love to rot out nice big chucks of your happiness... yet at the same time, it can do the exact opposite if you let it. Shall I explain? I think I will. Back to the squished tire.

I was a little panicked, but not too bad. Mostly I was exhausted and freezing and exhausted, which can make ANYTHING seem way worse that it is. And freezing. I did I mention I was freezing? Which meant all of this was dandy, but after being awake 17 hours in a car the day before, I wasn't feeling up to adventure. I would much rather have cried. Still, as I looked at that flat tire, God reminded me of something better to focus on.

"At least this didn't happen yesterday when we were in Pennsylvania or something, right?"

As I said it, I realized this was very true. All in all, things were okay. I was cold, I was tired, and I had to help move ALL our jam packed stuff out of Burton and into Jacob's van so Jacob and I could finally leave (which took a good bit of time and courage against the cold!), but we were safe, we had another drivable vehicle, we had a home to go to, and we had each other.

I apologize for using a flat tire as my analogy, but heck, it was bummin' at first sight with that flat tire. I felt like I was so close to having sealed up our NH to NC adventure so very nicely, and the BAM. Bump in the road (or flat in the tire).

Adversity can kill our motivation, our optimism, our gratefulness, our love, our passion, our desire to achieve great things, our hope, our faith, our patience, our character... or it can build them up stronger than ever before. 

In the end, be it family, work, relationships, marriage, or just life in whole, adversity teaches us two things: to believe in faith and to smile with courage. All struggles will pass. A new one may take it's place as soon as the old one fades, true. Broken heaters, no job, death in the family, terminal illness, a parasite within your marriage, family feuds that won't go away, Murphy's Law being... well, Murphy's Law, junked cars, losing your friends, even silly little things like math tests, bad traffic, and head colds.

In your world, will you be a rock of optimism, faith, and trust?

The glory of adversity is not in praising ourselves when the storm has passed. It is in the prayers that God will be brought glory through our struggles- that in the end, our adversity may be someone else's banner to hold when they struggle the same as we did. 

Life is hard, God is good. Things in the world are very, very ugly.

"But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

Oh Little NC Home of Mine

There is something to be said about turning a house into a home and a home into your own, wonderful little hide out. After traveling from place to place and/or sitting in a teeny car for hours (see below if you dare), even a 2 month home seems so wonderfully permanent. It's not so much having the perfect space or the right colors or the number of rooms or light fixtures... no sir.

(This photo brought to you by 'trying to stay awake until 4:45am')

Home.

It's the space heater. I never used or cared much a dilly about space heaters. I don't think I've ever liked or much thought about space heaters. Hm. Here I am cozied up on the floor next to my space heater.

It's the nails on the walls that allow you to turn wood and drywall into canvas. Because despite what anyone says, everyone needs this in their kitchen.

It's the ladybugs that pop up here and there now and again. Not a pesky number, just one or two. Little cute buggers.

It's waking up and having your own kitchen cabinets to put your treasures in.

It's having a husband that comes home every night with big smiles and kisses.

It's having wedding playlists playing while you wash dishes.

It's having your own refrigerator to hang the darnedest things.

It's doing mitt work in the living room.

It's being budget-ey and creative, but also being blessed with provision from a wonderful and caring God (who gives me cabbage, tomatoes, and spinach- all is well).

It's the 16 pineapples you have all over the house as decorations.

It's saying 'good morning' and 'good night' in a cozy bed with cozy blankets.

All in all, our little home in NC is temporary for about 2 months until we head out of state (again!), but God has been so good in our travels and staying-put-for-now moments. 

Here's to the memories we're building in our little home sweet NC home!

What 20 Days After Your Wedding Feels Like

As many of you know, we sent out a 15 page questionnaire to the closest followers of this blog. Right now, you should probably check your Spam folder in hopes that you too received said questionnaire.

That being said, if you have not received the questionnaire, let me fill you in as to what this whole thing is about.

The first 12 pages were dedicated to 'Famous 80's Film Moments', 'What Would Mikey REALLY Eat', and 'Jingles That Should Never Have Been Aired'. The final 3 pages, however, were dedicated to 'What Do You Think About the First 20 Days After Your Wedding Feels Like', or 'WDYTATF13DAYWFL' (this is not your wifi password), or also known as "Whadyafiedaywiffle'.

I know. Now that you are aware of what you've missed, both Jacob and I (yes, he's helping out today!) are here to fill you in. Well. About the whole 20 days after the wedding thing. Not the poorly aired jingles and Mikey. You'll have to wait until next month's questionnaire to jump in for that sort of stuff.

Are you ready? Here's some insight on the first almost three weeks of marriage! You'll see our answers, along with the general consensus of the questionnaired (I made that word up), both married, unmarried, cave dwelling, obsessive compulsive, etc and etc. Basically, people that have been there and done that, and people that were completely guessing. Here we go!

What are some things things that are exactly as you'd expected?

Beth: Having Jacob with me all the time, eating together, figuring out life, laundry, stealing his socks, wearing all his clothes, planning, praying together... it's all a very generous gift from God that I don't deserve.

Jacob: Every day life is exactly as I would expect it. Excitement and laughs- life peppered with kisses turns simple and usually boring things into amazing things.

The General Public: Most of you said that you expected food to taste the same, slumber parties to skyrocket, and that morning breath is morning breath.


What is something better than you thought it would be?

Beth: Saying goodnight and being under the same sheets for sleeping and snuggles is fantastic. Waking up and spending everyday with someone like Jacob is perfect. That's all.

Jacob: Hm. Kissing.

The General Public: Almost all of you agreed that the answer to this one was the fact that you could stop dieting to fit into the wedding dress, and/or finally being able to admit your obsession with Cartoon Network and realizing that your spouse also loves watching Ben Ten Alien Force with gusto (we thought this was a little creepy, but heck, you guys wrote this).


What is something about marriage that is amazing that you didn't even think about?

Beth: What's amazing about marriage is seeing someone else doing so many things for you when you don't deserve it, when you don't even know why they would want to be so caring for you, and when you know they don't even have to do all those wonderful little things. There's literally nothing in it for them, yet they do it for you. Being part of that is unbelievable. Jacob and I were house sitting in NH until October 30th when we left for our place in NC- a huge blessing. However, we encountered many strange things, mainly flocks of pine bugs and other buggies, all of which Jacob valiantly spent hours (literally) exterminating for my sake. It's things like that (oh, and taping the whole thing was an amazing thing as well).

Jacob: Driving. Between bad Google Map directions, missing roads, and rampant country radio stations we had the setting for some awful drives in the past few weeks. Long drives too, not your Grandpa's drive to the Convenience Store, Wal-Mart, the local drug dealer, or any other common destinations. These trips were beefy drives between states on backroads because apparently Yankees are a little slow on the idea of interstates and so-called swift travel. Anyways, these drives, despite conditions, were exciting, goofy, and rambunctious. But I always kept two hands on the wheel at the 9 and 11 position, kids. Really.

The General Public: You don't have to worry about wiping the orange powder of Doritos from the corners of your mouth anymore, because any good spouse will love you regardless. Or so they say.


Does marriage get better with time?

Beth: Absolutely. You get to know each other better, yet the more you know, the more you want to be their best friend.

Jacob: How the heck am I supposed to answer this question? I've been married for three weeks. Who came up with this question? Anyways, as far as I can tell, yes, it does. The spark keeps sparking brighter, the flame burns brighter, the hamstrings just keep getting swoler.

The General Public: Cheese does, so you all said something along the lines of, 'Yeah'.


Have you have the first fight yet?

Beth: Oh, if I had the extremities to count the times people have told us, 'don't think you won't fight!' before and after the wedding. No fighting to date, since June 2012. That's how it's going to stay!

Jacob: Unless Beth locking me outside just for kicks and my throwing a comb at her counts, no.

The General Public: Yes, you tell us. And over something stupid, but it's okay, because the make up afterwards is amazing. It's so good, kinda like enduring a long and sad BBC version of fill-in-the-blank movie: it's not so hot during the film, but afterwards, once you've regained consciousness, you realize you were a complete moron.


Does the excitement wear off (i.e. after the huge, crazy exciting glitzy wedding, does real life seem dull, boring, and unfulfilling)?

Beth: Not at all! The excitement of a wedding is greatly different from the excitement of shopping together, driving places, figuring out budgets, Psych marathons, growing up, and working out together. Real life is a great adventure and I'm beyond grateful God has granted me Jacob as my companion through it all.

Jacob: No it doesn't. I mean, some of the weirdness wears off (because, trust me, being fresh-married feels weird). She's still hot, I still am more suave than a bowl of dark chocolate syrup, so it stays special. But it takes some level of commitment. You can't just expect it to be like that- you have to make it be like that. If you aren't treating her like a queen (because princess is too mainstream), and if she isn't treating you like Hercules (A king is too mainstream, and Hercules massacred kings anyway. At least I am pretty sure he did.)

The General Public: You mostly agreed that yes, a little, but it depended on what- i.e., a lot of you said the excitement mostly wore off in such things as breathing, witnessing your spouse taking early morning medications, or shaving your legs in the presence of others (this was one the guys mentioned).


Have you noticed the other person's 'bad' habit that everyone warned you about?

Beth: Jacob likes to eat. A lot. It's cute and funny and I think it's hilarious. Jacob turns everything into a math problem. I think it's hot (and a little nerve-wracking when he makes me determine the cheapest corn chip out of 15 varieties in weight and price). Jacob takes every chance he can to hug me, kiss me, and follows me around constantly. It's endearing and perfect. So no. He has no bad habits. All good ones ;)

Jacob: Yep! When she sweats she smells like an onion, and it's nauseating. But after not allowing her to eat or sweat, and a few pressure washer sessions, she smells fine. Ha, just kidding. So food for thought, if she snores like a cannon, did it ever occur to you that perhaps you wearing socks with crocs makes her stomach turn? No? Why not? Point being, any habit (note, HABIT or lifestyle choice, NOT rage outbreaks, gossip addiction, or smoking bongs) that may be annoying is probably matched by an equally annoying habit of yours. Get over it, learn to ignore it, figure out how to fix it (muffler while sleeping, burn the crocs AND socks), or make fun of it (only half kidding here). Cinderella wouldn't divorce Prince Charming because he didn't wax his leg hair. Oh and the thing about Beth smelling like onions? It was a joke. Joke. 

The General Public: 
She- Yep, he sings loudly in the shower and sounds like a chainsaw rubbed against the biggest chalkboard in Utah. 
He- Yep, she enjoys putting all things edible into giant food processors and turning it into a giant mass of green slime. What's more is that she expects me to eat this stuff, and claims that "you can't even taste the algae!"


What is something that you have learned that you didn't expect to?

Beth: I have learned how much I want to earn Jacob's respect. Even after marriage, I find myself constantly wishing I could be better for him. I have learned that this is not only okay, but wonderful. It means the chase is still afoot and I am still, constantly, and always pursuing his heart in all I do.

Jacob: That days go by faster as time goes by. Seriously, you blink and the day is gone. Make the most of every day (in a way that pleases God), but in the aspect of marriage, live every day like your spouse will be gone forever tomorrow.

The General Public: That patience is a virtue. Your patience will run out many, many times, but that's to be expected. All that matters is that life is a learning process, even if you are never even close to as patient as you should be. It's ok though, we're all sinners. Lack of love is to be expected, right?


What's something that you think will be timeless about marriage?

Beth: I will never tire of being kissed. There is something timeless about kisses, about saying 'I love you' at every chance, about confiding in the other person, and about treating life as an adventure. Bumbumbum... muffins.

Jacob: Beth's eyes. They're a really deep, dark brown with even darker swirls in it, and with a bluish/greenish outline. They can look like sparkly and bright one moment, and seductively dark the next. Bambi be jealous.

The General Public: The pile of dirty socks under the bed. The stuff on this said pile is definitely cat hair and NOT fungus.


What's something that is temporary (for good or bad)?

Beth: The first almost 2 weeks of our marriage has been spent in multiple locations. After our honeymoon, we've been house sitting (as mentioned), packing up my stuff from my parents' house, teaching some, resting some, driving a lot, catching up with people before we left NH, and trying to figure out all those newly married things. It's been a lot emotionally and physically, but it is temporary. And in the end, it's both good and bad, really. Bad because I'd be lying if I didn't say it was hard, but good because God is turning these circumstances into a lovely story.

Jacob: The hectic travel and life schedule. Between Thomas Edison State College being a total word-I-shouldn't-say and job insanity for both Beth and me, life won't be calm for a good long while. Now? We must take this like a learning experience. However, this is no endurance race- we will sprint to the end, even if that seems impossible. You don't grow by lowering the bar.

The General Public: The excitement and newness of marriage. Most experts agree that within two weeks you will be back to scratching your extremities (TOES AND FINGERS, keep it clean, people) and stalking around murmuring at each other. Trust me, love is SO much deeper when you are bored with each other, and comfortable with being in a brother and sister relationship. Although it may seem creepy to be sleeping with a surrogate sibling, it all works out in the end. 



Thank you for taking the time to read all this. We fully expect nostrils to flair and lawsuits to be lawsuited.

Focusing On The //real// Stuff In Life

Wedding planning makes you really think about things in life.

Post wedding planning makes you really think about grown up life.

And grown up life really makes you feel like everything else in life was a pretty coloring book- the kind you could use water and a paint brush with to make the colors appear.

Things like cars and money and health and people and relationships and personal belongings and paperwork and jobs and all that goody good real stuff... it's real. And not so good all the time. 

Like losing your job. Or totaling your car. Or losing a loved one or a relationship. Or messing up some 'serious BIG person' paperwork.

But the really REAL stuff isn't the money in your wallet or the friends on your friends list. It's the faith, patience, love, kindness, and trust that matter. Above all, faith, as "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen," Hebrews 11:1.

Perhaps the best example I can think of is Matthew 14:22-32. Peter was all cool with trusting Jesus, up until things started to look 'bad'. He was WALKING ON WATER! But all he could focus on was the wind and how bad and big and REAL that was. And in that moment, he started to sink.

If he could have only kept his eyes on what was really REAL. Jesus Christ was smack dab in front of him. He was walking on water. But as soon as the earthly things got more 'real', he lost vision and focus.

How many times do we do this? We have something 'bad' happen to us, and suddenly that earthly encounter becomes more real than the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

Oh you of little faith. All of us. 

Or what about the Israelites making their way out of Egypt? Who freaking cares about the fact that God parted the Red Sea and allowed human beings to cross the ocean DRY?

All they wanted to know was why God was allowing them to starve to death.

Okay okay, forget that, God is amazing and awesome and let's sing songs and play kazoos, because TA DA! God gave bread from heaven! Old Testament Little Caesar's from the dome in the sky.

Oh, but just kidding. This is a boring menu. God must hate them.

And we read through Exodus and ask ourselves how the Israelites can be such chowderheads for doubting God's power in the face of earthly reality... and yet. Well. We do the same thing, time and time again.

Did you lose a job? Great. That means God has a plan for you- and it involves being jobless right now.

Car broke down? Perfect. God needs you to get rid of that car. It's not in the plan right now (and his plan is perfect!).

Lost a loved one? Trust in Him. He is the author of eternity. Trust him to write the perfect story.

In the end, faith is such a small, small word that is overused on jewelry, t-shirts, and in the mouths of Christians (including myself) who are quick to praise God in one moment, and doubt him with great fury in the next.

And immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him, and he said to him, "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

The Big Mistake We Make in Relationships

I'm on the trail of inflammatory blog posts. Let's see if I can keep the ball rolling ;)

Today, I'm here to talk about the big mistake we make in relationships. Marriage, in specific, I'd go so far to say. 

I've read a lot of blogs, many from the female perspective, talking about things they've given up, things they've learned, and things they are still working on as newly weds. 

This is all good. No one should go into marriage and be in denial when they make mistakes and/or go about learning from them. (side note: generally speaking, it's good to learn from mistakes ;))

Facing mistakes and sinful nature and hardship and issues and all that good stuff? Facing it all with the willingness to learn and grow and do your very best for God first, spouse second?

Spot on.

So... where's the big mistake?

The big mistake comes when we expect and accept to be disappointed, let down, or settle for less in our marriages.

I came across a blog post the other day, and what I was reading DID make sense- but in the most horrible way possible.

Disappointment on a daily basis from your spouse?

Wait. What?

What happened to the wedding vows? You know, the hipster, pintrest style vows that go 3 pages in about how 'I will love and cherish and always be the encouraging wife you deserve' and how 'you will always be my first priority and tomorrow will always be better than today'?

If we say these words on the day we vow before God, why then do we tell newly weds and soon-to-be-lassoed in marriage folks that they should EXPECT to be disappointed? 

Another blogger noted that we should not expect our spouses to be Christ. 

True. We shouldn't. I don't remember God opening the skies and telling me that Jacob was the new christ figure in my life, and I don't think anyone else has ever had such an experience with their significant other.

HOWEVER. Let me make one thing clear.

We are not to expect our spouses to be Christ... and we are also not to expect them to be sinners.

I can see some of you shaking your heads at my heretical lunacy.

But we're all sinners! Not expecting your spouse to be a sinner if setting unrealistic standards! 

And the dark cloud of disappointment seems to be rolling in again.

Let me clarify further: For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is a gift from God, Ephesians 2:8-9.

We are sinners. But because of God's grace, we are given the chance to be made new in him.

This means, we should live differently. The way we speak, dress, interact, communicate, share, love, and live should reflect the change in our lives.

So no. I will not expect Jacob to be God in our marriage. However, I will also not expect him to be a sinner.

We already communicate about these things.

We set high standards for each other, meaning I am accountable to him and he is accountable to me. This ranges from getting things done on time, being wise with money, getting enough sleep, doing those workouts we don't want to, and remembering the importance of prayer and faith in seemingly impossible mental blocks.

So no. Neither of us are Christ. However, I refuse to live my life as a sinner. I have been called out.

Though our natures our sinful, Jacob and I believe God is deserving of our best efforts- through our seeking Him in pursuit of bringing him glory.

If Jacob expects me to do the dishes every day because that's what we agreed on, then guess who will be doing the dishes??

And if, for some reason, I became too sick, had the worst day ever and was physically unable to do the dishes, or by some miraculous reason, forgot (because I hear even sinners forgiven by God do such things ;)), I would expect Jacob to show forgiveness and understanding, not be disappointed in that situation.

And yes, the hypotheticals could go on and on, and yes, I'm sure someone just read through that and found some flaw, but you understand what I mean.

It's not about expecting to be disappointed in your spouse. It's about you and your spouse acknowledging that you are both sinners SAVED by grace, both on the path to do your best to serve God and bring him glory through your marriage.

Will you mess up?

Will you feel disappointed?

Yes. But we shouldn't advocate these things as 'acceptable', 'expected', or 'normal'.

It is a mistake to expect your spouse to be Christ. 

It is also a mistake to permit the both of you to act like Christ hasn't saved you both.

Continuously seek God and communicate with your significant other about things. It's not a 50/50, it's a 100/100. You need to be giving 100 percent to your spouse AND God. 

It is your mission. When you slip up, your spouse encourages and helps you up. Eyes on the prize which God has set for us... not on the mistakes that we use to identify sinful behavior.

I'm not married yet. But just like an overweight person needs to keep their mindset before, during, and after weight loss, a single person needs to keep their mindset, communication, and expectations the same before marriage: and that is to keep them both Godly, and high.

Fat people don't get skinny by expecting to stay fat.

Questions? Comments?

Let's hear it!

Why Do We Set Low Standards for Marriage?

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer, Psalm 19:14


I realize that a lot of readers of this blog are probably considering my standpoint on a good deal of things as unrealistic. Especially those who are already married! I mean, let's be honest, have I experienced the things they have? Have I faced the financial, the emotional, or the every day problems and mess ups that they have?

Absolutely not. And my take on such issues isn't very grey.

Fighting in marriage? Absolutely not. It's NOT necessary and NO, it's not healthy.

****Dying to Self? Absolutely not... not the way most people are thinking, anyways. You are not a martyr. However, the conscious loving, patience, humility, and selflessness of seeking Christian hearts will make a marriage turn from martyrdom to a portrait of God's grace, led by a God who is greater and more than we deserve.

Living in the 'Real World' and accepting lives of dull drudgery? Absolutely not. Our 'real world' is not this world. We are to live in and not of this earth- meaning when things get hard, we remember who is with us, for us, and who is our savior... through the big and the little things.

I openly call out my generation and ask: why do we set such low standards for our marriages?

Why do accept that fighting is okay? Where in the Bible does it say that bitter words, becoming violently angry, or blaming another person to the point of severe verbal conflict is okay?

Why do we allow ourselves to play the martyr? It is Jesus Christ that saves us, not our 'dying to self'. Yes, we are to give up this world and our nature in pursuit of God, but this doesn't give us the right to assume we're on the level of picking up a cross and bleeding along side the son of God.

Why do we let the little things slide, but when issues close to heart or the 'big, real life' problems cross our path, we panic and face anxiety and depression? Does God not see to the big, little, silly, and every other type of problem? And does he not take care of us through it all (Matthew 6:26)?

Planning this wedding has been extremely rewarding and a joy. I promised myself I would NOT become a wedding wild woman, but I would enjoy the process in every way.

Have there been problems? Have there been tough things to decide?

Of course. If you have family members and future family members to invite from about 5 different states, and immediate families of 8 and 9 respectively, and your mother-in-law-to-be is in a different state (which means any consulting or questions is a process!), and you're trying to cater, decorate, rent a building, design invitations and programs, and pay for the whole thing relatively speaking by yourself, things are bound to get messed up or mixed up or SOMETHING.

But even as we've struggled to figure things out, or my brain has been on overload from working 3-4 hours a day on wedding stuff and going straight to work until 7pm or 8pm at night, even as it's been very hard without Jacob here... I know in my heart of hearts that God will take care of us and that he will handle all these unknowns.

Have I always been peppy and wildly happy through it all? No! But I refuse to let myself get mad. Frustrated at times, yes. Lonely, yes. Tearful, because some of the problems seem very big. But not hopeless, because my God is the God of the universe... and he loves me more than I could ever define.

Life IS hard. I will not give the impression that setting higher standards for marriage and relationships and life is easy. It is HARD. You will mess up sometimes. You will lose faith. Things will get busy and tough and turn out ways you never expected. 

But staying in the word of God, praying, keeping your eyes and mind on things above, remembering how God has been faithful before... this is how we stay on track and turn what most people would consider impossible into a lifestyle set on pursuing excellence for Christ.

Am I being unrealistic? Am I setting impossible standards? Do I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about? Comments and questions are welcome!

****See below in comments for my rational behind the 'dying to self'.

Optimism: Why I Refuse to Live in the Real World

This weekend I've had to research, phone call, paperwork, and drive around to work on the nitty gritty parts of getting ready for marriage. Insurance being one of those things ;) And yes! The first thought was overwhelming. Where do I start? What if I pick the wrong thing? Help!

And of course, Jacob has been part of this process, too. Phone calls and texts and "what do you think?" and all that jazz for all these different, new questions we must deal with.

Our situation feels twice as tricky, given that the first 9 months of marriage we will be in 3 different states, essentially. Yep. Hardcore parkour. And no. Not just for insurance.

Throughout these many topics and conversations, Jacob and I had the chance to get really depressed. Or mad at each other. Or both maybe! But whenever things got tough to figure out, or we just didn't know what to choose or do or decide, we would go back to praying, laugh about it, and move on. In fact, this mentality lead to treating even the smallest victories with some pretty wild hooting and hollering. Which to me, is how it should be. Everything should be treated like that, right? Happy. Optimistic. Or at least, I think so!

Have there been times when I've gotten frustrated to the point of tears? Of course. I've been confused and upset. But I refuse to let it become negative.

I've been told that once marriage actually starts, I'll have to get past this and realize life is hard. And things are hard. And I just need to wait until the real world sinks in, along with all of it's real world problems. You know. Cars breaking down. Appliances falling apart. No paychecks. People vomiting. That sort of stuff, I suppose.

What's with the whole, 'wait till the real world sinks in' mentality?

I'm not advocating rose colored glasses. I'm advocating optimism. Especially now that I'm only 78 days away from marriage. And yes, my heart just leapt with joy at typing at that. Only 78 days!

Since when did being an optimist go out of style? Sure, we're happy... when things are going our way. Or when things are worth being happy about. But being an optimist only when you're happy and comfortable isn't being an optimist. Dictionary.com defines optimism as "a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome."

Optimism really counts when life stinks. Optimism really counts when everyone else tells you that you there are so many things to be discouraged about, but you continue to hold a positive outlook.

I'm not recommending being an airhead. Because the truth is, the 'real world' does stink. I'd go so far as to say it sucks. There are unfair happenings every second, someone is sick, someone is on the verge of bankruptcy, someone just lost a loved one, someone is fighting a war, someone got divorced, someone broke down and got hooked on an addiction, someone is battling depression, and on and on it goes. The real world is a pit of sinners fully embracing their nature, sinners trying to be saints, and sinners that don't care either way. 

The 'real world' is not our home. And that is why I refuse to live here.

I mean. Well. Yes, I do have to live here, but not the way everyone else does. And neither do you. Colassians 3:2, "Set your mind on the things that are above, not on the things that are upon the earth."

But how often do we come face to face with the 'real world' and suddenly, all we can think about is how large and scary it really is? We are overwhelmed with a sense of despair, because well, this is just how things are. And as part of the system, we must do our part, drag our feet, and go along with it.

Or must we?

Why do we forget that our citizenship is in heaven? That our minds, our hearts, and our outlook should reflect the fact that God is watching over us every second of our existence. Psalm 121:1-2, "I will lift my eyes to the hills, from whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

Further in verses 7-8, we read, "The Lord shall preserve you from all evil; he shall preserve your soul. The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in, from this time forth, and even forevermore."

Why am I an optimist? Why do I refuse to live in the 'real world'?

Because this world is not my home. 

Yes, there are hard times. Yes, there are things that wear us down, things that aren't any fun, things that are downright terrifying to a 20 year old, almost married person. This world, however beautiful, is a fallen world that can be awfully scary at times. 

But it also a world that we do not have to walk through alone.

What are your thoughts?

Why Consistency Matters

So what do you all think about consistency?

I'm not talking cakes and thickness of batter. I'm not even talking thickness of skulls. However, thickness of skulls DOES have something to do with all this. Let me explain.

Consistency. Where is it? Do you believe in it when it comes to relationships? We start off relationships with butterflies in the stomach, texting every 2 minutes, phone calls whenever possible, sweet nothings, and any possible way to make the other person smile.

We want to consistently make the relationship a wonderland for the other person.

When I first started talking to Jacob, I would cut time out of my day to send him special messages, talk to him whenever possible, and in any way I could, I would try to do my best for him. It's not always easy from a thousand miles away!

That was back in June 2012. Nowadays, things are busier. Jacob is up to his neck is school, I'm planning a wedding/packing/teaching/training for competitions, and of course, regular life is always going on. There have been days this past week that I've barely gotten to talk to Jacob due to his school schedule. We're both tired and trying to get things together before 85 days- which I'm so excited about! But still. it's not always convenient to do those little things that make a spark. However, Jacob and I are determined to never let those little things die out. 

What little things? Well.

It's not always convenient to stay up until 12am simply because that's the only time I can actually talk to Jacob.

It's not always convenient to try and read into what the other person says simply because you know deep down they need encouragement. It would be easier to just pretend you didn't notice the slight changes in mannerisms that gives away something is amiss.

It's not always convenient to send a special text or email or voicemail when you know the other person has a big, important test/day/school project/work project that day.

It's not always convenient to talk through important issues when you feel worn out, tired, or simply just don't feel like talking.

It's not always convenient to hold hands (i.e. 2 hour drives to and from airports in a huge van with awkwardly distant seating).

It's not always convenient to buy her flowers.

It's not always convenient to open the door for her.

It's not always convenient to sincerely remind him how important he is and how what he does is incredibly valuable.

Do you get the idea? It's not always convenient. And if you have kids, a busy work schedule, a hectic lifestyle, a strained relationship due to distance, finances, stresses, etc etc, it can be even harder.

But wait. Wasn't the word of the day consistency? Hold on! I'm getting there!

If it was easy, everyone would do it. Consistency wouldn't be an issue, because these things that aren't always convenient would practically do themselves.

And that's what I'm getting to.

Consistency isn't always convenient... depending on how you look at things.

HOWEVER. If you view things from the other person's perspective as constantly as you view things from your perspective, you will no longer look at things in terms of convenience.

Selfishness is a blinder to our true potential in terms of how we can honor, respect, and encourage our spouse/future spouse/significant other. 

If you're only focusing on how buying flowers for her affects your wallet and your schedule, then your selfishness has blinded you in your mission to make her your princess, best friend, and teammate.

If you can't manage to tell him in the truest, most powerful words possible that you are incredibly grateful for his work ethic, his accomplishments, and his loyal dedication to you, simply because you're 'too tired' from your day, then your selfishness has blinded you in your mission to make him your hero, your best friend, and your teammate. 

In marriage especially, this other person is an extension of yourself. Selfishness should not be on the table, because this is YOU, we are talking about.

If you have kids? That's not something that should affect consistently showing and giving your best.

If you have financial instability? Consistency in appreciation/romance/humility shouldn't be affected.

If you're both super busy and things are stressful? All the more reason to be consistent in bringing glory to God through your actions and interactions.

The old fashioned romance, the butterflies, the gestures of undying love, the simple nothings and everything that made you both fall in love with each other- don't let these things die. Don't settle for the mediocrity of a marriage with a business mentality. This isn't a business operation you are running. This is a passionate romance for both your other half and for the glory of God.

I don't speak of this because I've been married for 50 years. I don't speak of this because I've had the experience. I speak of this because I've seen married couples let the things that brought them together, the excitement, fun, and wonderstruck shivers melt away. 

As a God ordained institution, should marriage reflect our character and Christianity in the utmost?

Consistency. Passion in our mission. Be called to be different for the better.

¹² Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; ¹³ bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. ¹⁴ But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. ¹⁵ And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. 

Conscious: Was, Is, Will Be

Breathing. You've been doing it for a good long while. You don't have to think about it. It just sort of happens... like the millions of other little things that happen in your body that you take for granted.

Cool, wouldn't you say? Because honestly, we'd be a little bit at a loss without breathing. It would be the end of life. Shazzam. Kaboom. No more.

Now let's pretend we could only breathe IF we were conscious of doing it all the time. Or maybe we had to learn how to breathe and in learning how to breathe, we had to constantly be conscious of breathing.

If (in this scenario) you were to forget about breathing, it would start to suck the life out of you and things would become very unpleasant until you get things back on track again. If you weren't conscious of breathing, things would start to die off.

Okay. Nice story. Where am I going with all this?

The other half in your relationship is a part of you that you have to be conscious of. Not in a hyper-freak-control-maniac sort of way, but in a way that looks out for, honors, protects, seeks to serve, seeks to love, and seeks to understand better sort of way.

Breathing is nice, but we take it for granted. A lot. Which is okay, because our lungs keep on pumping along just the same. We don't have to be conscious of how to breathe, how to breathe well, etc etc (short of being in drastic situations, but you get me).

THE POINT: lack of consciousness in your relationship is like our breathing/consciousness scenario. If  you are not aware of what is important and consciously striving for it, things will start to die off.

What sort of important things?

Communication.

The other person's needs.

Acting respectfully and kindly in all situations.

Carrying yourself in a way that reflects well on both you and your other half.

Shall I go on?

Make it your mission to make things God honoring, spectacular, and always on the upside. Nope. It's not easy. Nope. I'm not perfect at it. But that won't stop me from working at it, it won't stop me from constantly seeking God in this.

Are you conscious or comatose?

"You're Doing WHAT?" // Why We're Getting Married Young

Do you remember having a best friend as a little kid? Maybe when you were in middle school or high school. Maybe, you're still friends to this day! Maybe you found a best friend as a grown up.

Marriage is finding a best friend for life. You get to do all the things best friends do- be ridiculous together, be happy together, be sad together, plot together, know each other inside and out. But marriage is best friends to another level.

The level of friendship found in marriage surpasses any other. Marriage is a friendship so strong that you actually integrate yourself with your best friend.






You have sleepovers every night. 

You burn (and sometimes don't burn) food together- and end up eating it anyway, because you both think burned food isn't as bad as they say.

You plan and accomplish things as a team- and if you're like a certain couple I know very well, you're fairly competitive and turn such things into a game ;)

You face the good, the bad, and the ugly together. You cheer each other up and encourage each other to keep going when things aren't all blue skies.

You make fun of each other shamelessly. Well. Some of us do anyways ;)

You learn more and more with each day. Together.

You crank up those favorite songs and sing along to that jam like two high school girls.

You back each other up.

You have movie marathons.

You have inside jokes.

You share finances.

You share a home.

You share a life.

Heck, you'll probably share tissues and spoons and shoes, and many other things, for sure.

Is it always easy? No. I'm not married and I could tell you that. But if marriage is about dedication to another person, if marriage is about finding and staying with a best friend forever, if marriage is about building a life with someone you respect and look to as an equal, then here comes the important question:

Why not get married young?

And the room gets quiet.

What did she say? But don't you want to party? Don't you want to build a career? Don't you want to get out there and experience life? Don't you want to get out and experience life on your own? There's no way you're mature enough for something like that! How old are you???

No, I don't want to party. Neither does he.

Build a career? I'm pretty sure I'm right where I want to be with my career. He's building his career up as well. Besides, how exciting is it to continue to discover and work on your career with your best friend besides you?

Experience life? I'm doing that right now. And by getting married young, I get to experience that much more life with my best friend beside me!

There's no way I'm mature enough? I've finished college. I've got a steady career path. I'm financially stable. I know what I want in life. He's got a steady career path. He's financially stable. He's finishing his degree this summer. We both know what we want in life and we want to be together through it all.

How old am I? I'm old enough to know that everyone makes mistakes, including me and including him.  I'm old enough to know that marriage isn't going to fix all my woes, but it WILL mean having someone I PICKED OUT as my best friend with me through thick and thin. I'm old enough to know that having a best friend is one of God's greatest gifts to us little people.

And that's why we got engaged young. That's why we're having a short engagement and getting right to it- because if you know what you want and what is right, chase it down!

I want my best friend with me through it all. Being in a long distance relationship has taught me to cherish the moments... and every moment I can get with Jacob I will take!

It's not about being 'old enough'. It's about maturity and character. It's about trust and passion to build something special and long lasting together. it's about making every day an adventure worth retelling every night.

Questions? Comments? Fiery dispute?

Let's hear it!