Part Eleven: Of a Blue Christmas and a Cold and Empty Winter

"She, she is the one thing I can't find

how can the only thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?

And I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe to save my life..."

-Parachute 

There is something extremely trying about long distance relationships, especially when you've never met the other person. Especially when you're madly in love with them. Makes a lot of sense, right? The best stories usually balance between the lines of absurd and breathtakingly worth while. Usually, this balance is difficult on the nervous system... not to mention the emotions.

Every day was pulling me closer to Jacob. I couldn't stand not being able to talk to him. A whole day without any communication felt like two hundred years of silence. I would do anything to make time to call him, text him, or chat him online. The bad news was, we still hadn't met. This horrible wrinkle made things feel absurdly pointless underneath. Why spend so much time chasing after a person you've never met?

We knew we would meet someday, but when? Again, every day was pulling us together to be a bit more trusting, a bit closer, and a bit more wild and crazy. 'Someday' couldn't seem to find the roadmap that led it any closer to our brains, because as far as we could see, there was no plan of meeting. Someday needed to hurry up.

 We would bring it up again and again. When were we going to meet? Usually it was me, always brainstorming for someway, anyway for us to meet each other.

Plans came and went. Phone calls between our parents came and went as well. Maybe my family could go visit in April? Maybe he could come in February? Maybe his family would come in April? I would get excited and pray things would work out, but... they never did. 

My faith in our ability to meet began to fluctuate with each failed meeting attempt. I was starting to feel like it was just a game. Desensitized to the the idea of getting to meet Jacob, I buried the thought of ever seeing him away for the time being. There was no use in thinking about it.

But how could I not think about it? Every day I was talking to this amazing, talented, and incredibly smart guy. Every day my heart fluttered at the thought of getting to look him in the eyes, to see him talk, to see him breathe. I wanted to meet Jacob Clifton. 

I wanted to meet him. 

It was all I thought about. Every day I found myself wondering what it would be like if he were right next to me during every day activities. Every day I found myself feeling a bit more desperate to meet him. I had to. I would die if I didn't. And while that sounds dramatic, it was the truth. I had to know who this boy was in real life. By this point, there was no other option.

I pushed. I pulled. For four long months, I tried to figure out a way to meet Jacob. The whole time, we got closer and closer. 

Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went, and I missed him worse than ever. Christmas was particularly bland as I wished beyond hope that he could somehow be with me. I missed him. After Christmas, I missed him even more. It was teasing getting to talk to him so much, but knowing there was no set plan to actually see him.

My 'post Christmas/half dead/texting NC boy' pose.

As more plans came and went yet again, we still had no set date for when we would meet. There would be days I would be more upset than others. I missed Jacob so much it hurt almost to the physical level. I would do my best not to say anything about it to him because I knew there was nothing he could do to make it better. There was nothing I could do. 

Right then, there was no way for us to meet. 

Some nights I would literally ache as I thought about the two of us living our separate lives. Oh, I wished I could connect us beyond this digital world. I wished I could see him. So, so much. 

By the end of January, the aching grew more and more frequent. I was tired of mentioning it to poor Jacob who was just as helpless of a player in this game as I was. I loved him so much. It was so hard to be so far away. I would give anything to just see him. I would meet him under any circumstance. Heck, I would even take running into him for 5 minutes. I just had to see him.

On January 27th, 2013, I was texting Jacob goodnight and... I couldn't help it. I missed him immensely. It was cutting into me. I remember texting him how I would trust God no matter what happened, but gosh- I did miss him terribly. Sad face and all. It was getting harder to ignore it. There are some things just too big and important to push down for forever.

It was after 9pm and I knew he wouldn't be able to write back. I settled for simply sitting at our table and thinking. I was alone downstairs with nothing but my tangled and desperate thoughts.  However, at 9:26pm my phone went off. It was Jacob's number. I didn't know who had his phone, but I knew it wasn't going to be Jacob.

Needless to say, I was right. It wasn't Jacob. It was Clayton saying something in an attempt to be funny. However, I wasn't in the mood for funny. It felt more like he was mocking me in my state of despair and I was unfortunately and frustratingly annoyed with it. I texted him that I didn't want to hear that now. I told him to zip it. I was proud of myself for not saying anything worse, anyways. 

Still. The situation just dipped from bad to worse. Thank you, Clayton. 

I must've looked unusually gloomy. As my brother walked in the house from a basketball game, he was quick to remark that I looked 'depressed'. I looked up from my phone and half glowered, half frowned. I looked like a sulking teenage girl. Maybe it was because I was.

"Oooh... Jacob's in the doghouse," Tim crowed, walking past my expression of doom to put his bags away.

"No he's not... Clayton is," I fumed. I wasn't really angry at Clayton, though. Clayton wasn't the problem. Jacob wasn't the problem. The problem was there was no answer to this distance. There was no answer to when I was going to see Jacob. It had been said so often that I would get to see Jacob, yet in my heart I was starting to feel like nothing was real. If you say something enough but it never actually has any meaning, those words begin to lose the meaning. The words 'I am finally going to be able to see you' seemed about as real and striking to me as salt in an empty salt shaker. 

I felt nothing. I didn't know what to say anymore. I didn't know what to pray any more. For months I had prayed that God would allow us to meet in his time. That was okay with me. But I no longer possessed the human strength to keep up with this. 

Either God would need to give me superhuman strength, or he would need for us to meet... or he would have something else of an entirely different nature planned. Either way, something needed to change. Maybe it was me. I didn't know.

When I woke up the next morning, I was torn. I didn't know what to feel. By this point, it wasn't a matter of uncertainty. It was a matter of sad curiosity. Why would God lead me to this person only to never have us meet? I had to be patient. I had to. 

Despite the pep talks I gave myself, I felt awful. Jacob texted me something he wrote the night before but was unable to send. What he wrote tore me up even more. I knew he was in the same spot I was. I could read through his words I knew he was just as hurt by the distance between us. We both hurt. We both wished things could be different. Why did I have to be the one who had to give out first? Why did I have to be the one too wimpy to put up with it?

I didn't write him back. I felt cold and empty. I didn't know what to say besides what I had already said a thousand times. I was tired of pretending I could move forward and ignore what I felt. I wanted it to hurt. I wanted to feel like it was real. Repeatedly assuring myself that I would someday see Jacob was making it feel like anything but.

I struggled through school. Jacob left me numerous voicemails. He sounded happy. He talked about silly nothings. Generally speaking, I didn't want to talk to him because I had nothing to say. I didn't want to bring him down. However, when someone regularly texts you every day as soon as they can, you begin to wonder what's wrong if that same some doesn't text you by 11am. It was around 11am and I still hadn't said anything back.

Jacob texted me to say he was praying for me. I felt like a jerk. The poor guy was trying so hard to make sure I was okay, but there wasn't anything that could be done. I just had to pull myself together and get over my stupid emotional disability. I wanted to talk to him. I really did... but what was I going to say? Nothing. I was still too cold and empty to know.

It snowed that day, so I didn't have to teach at the dojo. Thank goodness. I was, to put it nicely, a mess. I snapped at people all day, I didn't want to study, and I didn't know how to fix myself. 

I received a few more sporadic texts from an evidently worried Jacob every couple of hours or so. I couldn't talk to him right now, I just couldn't. 

I went for a run. I dropped people off at activities that hadn't been cancelled by the snow storm. I prayed whatever I could think of, which wasn't much at that point. And finally when I'd thought as much as a person can think, I decided I owed Jacob some form of communication.

I texted him an apology and tried my hardest to explain how I had needed some time to think, how I missed him terribly, and how I needed a day to mope about it. I was sorry, so sorry for leaving him hanging. Of course, he called about 2 minutes later. I had expected something of the sort.

I promised not to cry. I broke my promise in about the first 30 seconds. 

As I tried to explain how things just felt so fake being only 'digital', he listened. But more importantly, he didn't try to say the right thing. He simply told me what I needed to hear. 

Pretty soon, I was crying good and hard. I did everything I could not to sniffle loudly across the phone. I was sitting on my bed hugging my pillow into me with an irreversible desire to be stronger than this. It wasn't working. 

Somehow, he knew exactly what to say. I could've listened to him for 3 hours straight, if not longer. Here I was being a wreck for the thousandth time and he was loving me more than ever. It wasn't fair of me to be so demanding when there was nothing he could do, yet he was still there for me.  

When we finally hung up, I was red eyed and mentally exhausted. But oh, somewhere beneath the freaky and disheveled exterior was a heart that fractured over the whole situation. The fact that he was just so wonderful made it worse... but better all at once.

He had made me promise not to text him anymore that night, but I did end up calling him once more to apologize again. Goodness. With every word I missed him more, loved him more, and wished I could stop being such a silly girl over the whole situation. After we hung up, I wrote him an email. Obviously I didn't text him as he told me not to, but being the rebel I am... I had to do something.

Right now? I'm doing better. I'm doing alright. The bad news is, I'm slowly starting to realize I'll never be 'great' again until we meet. I don't say that as an ultimatum, but as the truth. Because I'm missing a piece of me. I'm missing a wild eyed, stair slipping, rice sniffing, spiky haired, cute smiling, mumbling on the phone like an angel, workout like a freak boy. I'm missing him a lot. And nothing can fill that hole. I'm willing to wait for you, Jacob. I'd wait a long, long time. I'd have to, because I don't know anyone like you. There is no other person in the world like you. But while we wait, how long and how far are we willing to take this virtual relationship? Three months? Four months? What can we do in this in between time to keep us strong, but not disillusioned or desperate while we wait?

Even when I'm upset, I'm frighteningly logical. And my frighteningly upset logic says this: if we can't meet soon, at this point we need to do something because it's ripping us apart, personally. And I know we're doing everything in our power to meet. But if God is saying 'no' right now, we will have to act on that. I'm not saying he is, I'm simply saying IF he is.

I don't know Jacob, I don't know. I don't know anything. God knows everything. And sometimes, trusting him is so hard. So, so hard. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just so confused.

But, God works all things together. The lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The lord is the light of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? Hm... I've memorized most of Psalm 27 almost word for word, because nothing rings truer for me most days. I'm not brave. I'm scared to death most of the time. But one thing I ask of the Lord, one thing that I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling. He will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.

Oh Jacob, I love you. I love you so much. Love is such a funny, little word that gets used far too much. But just seeing what you're going through because of me, just seeing what you'd do for me, just seeing how much we can stand together with God's help... I think maybe, just maybe... for a funny, little word, love describes it pretty well. 

I've never met you. That will change someday. Until then, forgive me for when I have moments of weakness like today. I wish I was stronger, braver, and more certain about how things will happen. But I'm not. That's okay. When we are weak, God is strong. That's what matters. I won't give up on us, even though we aren't even an us to give up on technically. Whatever we are, whatever we have, I love it for all I'm worth and I will fight for this. Between you, me, and God, I think we can put up a pretty good fight =)

I finished typing and put my computer away. I went to bed. I tried to close my eyes. I tried to think about the fact that things would be better. I would see him someday and if I didn't... well. No matter what, I had to keep praising God. If all I got from Jacob was 9 months of talking on the phone and nothing else, I would still praise God for that. I would thank God for getting to hear his voice and nothing else. I would praise him for all the mornings I would wake up to texts, I would praise him for all the laughs and good times. I would praise him for the hard times, too. 

I tried to pray, but in the end it came out more like a desperate plea.

"God, I don't know what to pray anymore. You know I want to meet him. But if it's not the time, please give me the strength to wait until it is."

I fell asleep praying that night. Body, mind, and soul were exhausted. Heart was the most exhausted of all. But just like with every other day of my life, God hadn't stopped paying attention to me. 

But as I tossed and turned, God was setting things in motion once again.