Waking up Sunday morning was an odd feeling. I knew I only had one day left, yet it felt so hard to believe. Even though I had only spent a few days with this new family, they were exactly that- a family. I couldn't imagine walking away from them now. I couldn't imagine packing up everyone and everything and leaving.
Yet, I knew deep down that this was the last day. Since Friday, I had been commenting on how quickly Sunday was going to come, but I didn't realize the speed was so accurate.
After going through the motions of getting up and getting ready for the day, Jacob would be headed over to hang out with us until my mom's friend arrived at the cabin. At that point, they would go their separate way and we would clamor back into the ironvan and go to the Clifton's.
Watch them pull in against the North Carolina early sun... one last time. Run out to meet them in the early morning sun... one last time. Watch Charity's blonde, 10 year old braids swing back and forth as she skips into the cabin... one last time. I was beginning to lock everything in in preparation of what tonight would bring.
What do you do the last morning of a crazy weekend trip? You take pictures (messing up many of them), braid people's hair, go on momma walks, play scrabble (and be proud of 10 point words), and wait for momma's friend who forgot about the time change.
You listen to tobyMac and Manic Drive and anything else that pours out of Becki's iPod (including a few songs that make you want to cry because they make this last day feel very, horribly real).
Once momma's friend arrives, it's off to the races.
Travel over to a home away from home (even though you've only known it for a few days). Run amidst the chaos of just another morning. Little hands reaching for yours to pull you to all corners of the house. Sunlight glittering against the walls, but nothing to rival the delight of being in this house. That's what is really glittering in my heart.
Becki, Will, Jimmy, Aubrey, and I (yes, almost the whole tribe) decided to play Trivial Pursuit- the archaic version. We're talking OLD STUFF. We assumed Jacob was hunting around in the kitchen, so we went ahead to start the game.
Despite my initial expectations, I wasn't as horrible as I expected! Clearly, all the Trivial Pursuit games played with my dad had paid off. Jacob did join us eventually after cooking up more (yes, more) rice. He and I were on one team with the fantastic four (aka Becki, Will, Jimmy, and Aubrey) stood as our opposition. Even though they beat us, Jacob and I insisted it was because they got all the easy questions. Really. They did.
His mom tried to get some *nice* pictures of us together. A few of those photos we may or may not have messed up intentionally.
Everything was super relaxed, natural, safe... but underneath all the warm and coziness of the family like atmosphere, I was beginning to feel the tug of the distance. New Hampshire was calling me back and I didn't want to answer. There would be no avoiding it soon enough.
One last time to stampede to the family cave downstairs for a movie before we got ready for home church. This time however, it wasn't much of a stampede. It was more of a tired, wobbly weave against the current. Either way, Aubrey and Becki quickly laid claim to the chairs while Will and Jimmy assumed their places on the floor. Yes, poor Jimmy and Will ended up on the floor about 99% of the time, but they seemed generally accepting of it. What good kids.
I promptly assumed my place on the far left side of the couch and immediately leaned up against Jacob. By this point in the trip I was probably severely dehydrated and felt somewhat near death. Between lack of hydration and immensely draining activities and scheduling, I was dead. I was completely exhausted.
While it may sound like a horrible description, looking back on it I'm grateful. Being so tired left me extremely vulnerable. I was just about (if not completely) out of witty comebacks, funny nonsense, and energy. I was stripped down to just plain old, plain exhausted, Beth... and that was the girl who turned her head, closed her eyes, and all but fell asleep against Jacob Clifton's shoulder.
I had only known him for about 3 days.
I didn't care.
I felt... safe. I felt safe beyond anything else. I felt completely trashed on the outside. I felt worn out, a bit frazzled, and a bit like I needed some serious help in the appearance department. Despite all this, I wasn't afraid to go to him to be safe.
He was someone I technically barely knew. Someone who wasn't related to me. I didn't have anything to give back. Still, he let me fall asleep right there... me and my messy hair, my t-shirt and sweatpants, my smudgey makeup, my tired fingers woven in with his.
Tomorrow I would be on my way to another world. To my home. But wasn't this my home? Wasn't my home right next to him?
All too quickly the moment was gone. Just like every other in this trip. It was just a memory, waiting to be replace by the next and the next.
Time to get ready for church. Time was marching right on without any second thoughts. Oddly enough, Jacob and I ended up the same style shirts. Again. Should I have been surprised?
People scrambled to get ready. Aubrey couldn't find the right outfit. Charity and Melody finally got dressed after putting away the previous tea party, bandana making, etc supplies used as of earlier. Becki looked like the Easter bunny in her very Easter-y looking plaid shirt. I looked like someone who was half dead with unintentionally teased hair and some unintentionally cat-haired black leggings (courtesy of Snowball) under an unintentionally homely skirt. Jacob was bargaining for Melody's sandwich. We were all talking about people talking in their sleep. In Charity's words, "Aubrey talks in her sleep wonderfully!"
Last minute prep. Piling into the white van. Babbling about what homeschoolers do in NH because there aren't any social networks. Laughing while quoting Tobiatha. Taunting various people for no reason. Texting Jacob from the middle of the van while he's all the way in the back. Finally seeing what he looks like when he's texting me. Oh... I'd waited months and months to see those half smiles, the grins to nobody while typing out messages... and there they were. Right there on the face of my favorite boy. Right there.
Remember this. Don't let this picture slip away. Don't let this moment slip away.
There was nothing as precious as being able to see his silly little smiles while he texted me from 5 feet away. And then we would catch each other's stares and we would get a bit sillier looking. It was a long time coming.
Finally we pull up to the house where house church is being held and a van full of hyped up kids spills out all over the place. I made sure to comment on the coordination or lack thereof in regards to outfit selection as a group. Aubrey made sure to poke me.
Strolling into the house there were a zillion people to introduce or reintroduce myself to. Will, Aubrey, and I ended up getting stuck in the dining room talking to a few people from football yesterday. There wasn't much to be talked over. I was too busy watching Jacob play the guitar from across the room.
Somehow however, Tobiatha became the topic of discussion and Aubrey and Will were rapidly quipping and quoting to the point that one of our dear friends from football was forced to ask, "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing, nothing... it's an inside joke," Will shook his head with a brilliant sense of false pity.
I broke off to go sit with my mom, Becki, and Aubrey. I became suddenly aware of how exhausted I was. I was beyond tired. Looking back, I was probably close to emotional breakdown. My head hurt, I was worn out, and I was seriously concerned I might fall asleep during church.
But in this small gathering of people of I didn't even know, I felt at home. Aubrey was next to me singing barefoot in a skirt she took forever to pick out. I was very aware of every single word we sang. All my attention was on the fact that God had gotten me here. Yes, I was leaving so soon... but how grateful I was. How grateful I was to a God who cared enough about me to get me to North Carolina to see a boy I'd never met before.
Jacob came back and sat next to me as we moved away from the music. Oh my... I was so tired. If I could still provide entertainment to people during my exhausted state, I would consider myself a success.
"Hey, you okay?" Jacob whispered.
"Yeah... my head just hurts," I whispered back. I love how concerned he was for me over even the littlest things.
He squeezed my hand tight. I began to get that tickling sensation in my stomach that warned me this night was going to end. This trip was almost over. I only wished I could stay longer...
Sit through church. Get up. Move on. See new faces. Talk to new people. Shake hands. Give hugs. Have fun. But in the end, it was all becoming a blur. I would look across the room and see Jacob laugh, see him smile, and realize there were only hours left until I would no longer be able to see such things. I wanted time to slow down, I wanted everything to freeze. Despite my wishes, time seemed to be flying faster than I could handle.
Before I knew it, we were piling into the van and driving home. I was falling asleep in my seat, but with my fingers woven between Jacob's, I was safe. I was always safe with him next to me.
We were headed home, but for me, I still had miles to go before I was technically home. I had planes and cars and airport gates to pass through. Still, my heart was quietly nudging me to the fact that wherever my 'home' was, my real home was here next to him.
In the fading light, the road was winding, but my heart was unwinding. The question pinpricked my spirit over and over...
God, how can I ever leave this place?
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