Part Nineteen: Of Saying Goodbye

"Don't say goodbye
I don't want to hear those words tonight
Maybe it's not the end for you and I..."

-Skillet

We pulled into the driveway and everyone unloaded. Aubrey promptly smacked me in Aubrey fashion. Yep, we were home. I couldn't decide if I should continue on and laugh like it was just another night, or fall to the ground and start bawling my eyes out. My mind had so quickly adjusted to this new place and this new family that I couldn't even imagine going back to before. My heart, however, knew better. 

Time was running out.

As soon as we were inside, we decided we would all finish the night out with one last huzzah. By that, I'm referring to completely collapsing in the basement to the background noise of a movie. Everyone was dead tired. We'd squeezed a lifetime of emotion and adventure into a matter of 3 days, and it had worn us out completely. 

I was in love. I'd known it all along. I'd known it since that first mind boggling day in June. I'd known it all through that hot and horrible summer. I'd known it all through those heartbreaking days in the fall. I'd known it all through those long, lonely winter days. 

But now, I knew it was true. I was at the end of my first adventure with Jacob Clifton. I could now step back and ask myself if it was really, honestly true that I loved him and his whole crazy family.

I'd seen him in real life. I'd seen him tired, giddy, sweaty, weird, wild, and hyper. I'd seen him from a distance, I'd seen him up close. I'd seen him bloodied, I'd seen him leading, I'd seen him quiet, I'd seen him loud. No, I'd not seen everything yet. But I'd seen Jacob Clifton. I'd seen the boy that first made me wonder if maybe my life plans weren't the plans for me after all. I'd seen the boy who'd changed my mind on everything.

And I was in love. I was in love with the warmth next to me that I'd only gotten to experience for such a short time. I was in love with the wild and dancing eyes, the full effort in everything, the football muscles, the crazy hair, the smiles.

But tonight was the end. It's a pity things often end just when you wish they were beginning all over again.

We stopped the movie to go upstairs and bid farewell to my mom and Lydia as they were headed home earlier than me and Becki. And that's when it happened.

Everyone huddled up in the living room to pray over our trip home tomorrow. Charity was holding onto my hand, Melody was squished up next to me... and as Jacob's dad started to pray, I started to cry. Not wild tears of desperate emotion, but soft, silent tears that were mostly held back on the inside. I knew there was nothing I could do and it was killing me.

As he prayed however, I couldn't help but feel blessed. The God who watched me shake my fist and demand a future completely chosen and molded by my own doing was the God who had blessed me with this family, this trip, this new and amazing knowledge that this was my home. The boy standing next to me was my other half in spirit- and somehow, the God who listened to me express my ultimatum of 'singleness or nothing' had blessed me with finding him.

The prayer ended, but the tears were just starting. My heart broke. Completely, honestly, and undoubtedly broke. Watching Charity's trembling bottom lip as she attempted not to cry, watching the tears carve their way down regardless, watching everyone say goodbye and wondering why. 

Why say goodbye? It's not over, it can't be over just yet...

But the rooms are all darker. The sky is black outside, the windows are being closed and covered. The littler Cliftons are climbing the stairs with a longing look back down at me. Charity stops and comes back down, staring up at me through the tears.

"I don't want you to go," Charity whispers tearfully.

"Shh, you go upstairs. I'll be back. I promise. Can you promise me something? I want to you dream about all the fun we've had on this trip. Because I'll be back. Just you wait," I tell her with as much of a smile as I can muster. 

I'll be back, yes. Sure. I hope. But for right now, I feel like I've died on the inside.

I watch her climb the stairs sniffling. I think my heart broke all over again. Turning to walk towards the kitchen, Jacob's mom stops me and tells me just how wonderful it's been to have me visit. She says I'm a delight. I know she means well, but it makes me ache to see all these faces in the dim light of this house for the last time. I know this is the last time I'll see her. I thank her, and just in time- Jacob has grabbed my hand out of nowhere and yanks hard. Down the stairs we go. I pray I locked in that last memory!

Aubrey and Becki are the last ones standing. Jacob's dad joins us for one last partial movie showing. None of us are feeling too chipper or emotionally stable, so it's all we can manage to sit in the dark room.

I'm not thinking about the movie. I'm thinking about all the tears that I'm barely holding back. I'm thinking about how quickly this visit flew by. I'm thinking about all that has happened, all that I've learned and seen. God, please don't let it end. Please.

But time has a funny way of going by much to quickly, especially when you want it to stand still. Somehow, it's already time to go. The show's over. The lights are up and on. It's time to go. Those words I never wanted to hear are on each one's mind. It's time to go.

I give Jacob a horribly pathetic look that is meant to disguise how deathly afraid I am of leaving. I'm not sure if it worked. Up the stairs. Down the hall. It's like a death march.

And while everyone gathers everything together, I'm staring into the dark living room, the dark dining room, the dark kitchen.

"I want to lock in every single memory," I say with a dejected sigh. "I don't want to forget a single thing."

The sad thing is, I know I will. I can't stand that thought. I can't stand it.

And finally, it's time for the final goodbyes. Those of us that are still awake have to part and go our separate ways.

Aubrey hugs both me and Becki. The tears are slowly sneaking out. I know my eyes are going to be a smudged mess before the morning. I'm babbling about how amazing everyone and everything has been, but suddenly and all to quickly, Aubrey is up the stairs and Jacob is nudging me out the door into the night.

Gone. They're all gone now. Jacob's whole family is no more than a memory now. They're gone and I don't know when or if I'll ever see them again. Those words plaster across my mind and I can't stop them from repeating over and over. They're gone. They're gone.

Wordlessly but not painlessly, I get into the ironvan one last time. Every single adventure we'd had during this trip, every single moment together, every single time I felt the shivers because of how real everything was... everything rushed up and forward before my eyes. It was all over... for now. But still, I couldn't shake the fear of this being the last time.

We pulled out of the driveway. Jacob tried to keep things lighthearted. Thank goodness for him trying, because I wasn't able. I was silently crying in the dark and was in no shape to start conversation.

"So Becki, how'd you like Aubrey, Jimmy, and Will?"

"Hm? Oh! Yes, I liked Aubrey and Jimmy," Becki responded good-naturedly.

"But not Will?"

"Oh no! I liked Will too! I'm too tired, I'm sorry," she said giddily.

We all smiled at that one, but that's about all two of us could sincerely muster.

"And Becki, what was your favorite part of the trip?" Jacob asked.

There was a definite moment of dead silence before she responded.

"You... all of you," she said with a bit too much emotion for me to handle.

As I prayed this final road trip would last forever, as Jacob squeezed my hand for what would be one of the last times in a good long while, as I continued to break down emotionally... I knew she was absolutely right. I bit my lip and tried hard not to cry too much. 

She was absolutely right.