Part Twenty Three: Of Trip Number Two and Being Happy Where You Are

I want to go into full detail about Jacob's whole trip to NH for the first time, but I'm beginning to realize the complete enormity of such a task, considering how frequently we try to meet up and how much we cram pack into each adventure- full documentation of each adventure is slightly unrealistic. Instead, allow me to recap just some of the things that happened:

-Jacob got that surprise 'hang out with my father' on the first full day of his visit. Oh goody goody for him! Torture of the NC boy= my father's favorite thing.

-We went to the lake more than once, though Jacob and I both considered the water not worthy to swim in. I also like to think I got tan.

-We watched some of Mr. Clifton's home movies on our computer. Such good embarrassment for poor Jacob.

-A workout date was the best kind of date- burpees, front squats, and pull ups are so good for bonding.

-Tim had a playoff game that we attended together. Jacob got a tick, but nothing else exciting. Home again home again after a long and fun day :) And yes, as you can see from the second picture, Mr. Clifton was thoroughly enjoying his stay in NH.

-I got sick-ish Saturday night and Jacob was very concerned about this. I would have enjoyed how cute he was about the whole thing had I felt better. It carried on into Sunday morning, so I was stuck at home and unable to go to church, but Jacob fussed over me a good deal. Very cute, once again. Jacob and I ran out to a Walmart Sunday night to get stuff for his father who was also sick, but much worse off that I was. That was an adventure. To say the least.

-On Monday, Jacob came with me to work which was a wonderful change of pace. Just having him at work with me was... amazing. Work didn't feel like work when I had that cute face grinning at me from across the desk.

-Monday night we had a dance party at about 11pm. In the kitchen. There's no better way to say goodbye!

What else do I remember? I remember it was insanely hot- 90 degrees. No, it's not that 90 degrees is overly hot, I suppose. It's more a matter of NH had yet to get any heat waves and I was horrified to find out the first scorcher would be the exact weekend of Jacob's visit. 

There were car rides, there were dances in the kitchen and the backyard, there was holding hands, there was a visit to Kaitie's house (and the burned bacon, the Ironman 3 viewing, the driving Jacob back to the hotel very late), there were 'dinner dates' of scrambled eggs, and there was snuggling close on the couch for no reason at all. I remember crying my eyes out driving home from Hampton Inn listening to 'Use Somebody' after getting home after 1am the night before Jacob would head back to NC. I remember waking up the next morning at 6am to get ready to teach a bootcamp that I really, really didn't feel like teaching. I remember Jacob and his dad coming to the dojo to say a second and final goodbye. 

I remember nothing and everything. I remember things that shouldn't matter.

The weird noises Jacob makes on a regular basis. The constant dancing. The grin Jacob would always have when he looked at me. The battles I suffered when trying to decide what to wear. The torture my sister made me endure when she proceeded to embarrass the snot out of me by playing cassette tapes of me as a wild 7 year old. The realization that Jacob and I didn't like 'fighting' each other. The realization that I was becoming more and more of a clingy person- especially around Jacob. Who would have guessed!

It took me by surprise. It really did. The whole thing flew by so quickly. And before I knew it, I was on another countdown for Jacob to see me again. Again.

And goodness, I didn't like it. At all. I didn't like it at all. I was back to crying and sniffling and wondering why on earth I had to endure pain like this (clearly, I've not experienced some of the more delightful forms of pain, such as childbirth and giving a feline a bath). What could I do? 

Days went by like this. I was beginning to feel like Jacob was the stuffed animal to my inner small child. Both times he got taken away from me, I became unstable, emotional, and unable to focus for at least a week to two weeks after the departure. It felt wrong, undoable, and I didn't like feeling like such a burden to the guy I loved so much.

After one night in which I had endured yet another full day of too many sniffles and lamenting my situation, Jacob's mother gave me some good advice: if this was where Jacob and I were in our relationship, then this is where I needed to be happy. I didn't have to be happy happy about it, but I needed to be happy about what God had given me and I needed to be happy about where I was going. I needed to be happy about the fact that a powerful God was bringing our story closer and closer to the next chapter.

Goodness. I love his mother. Text conversations with her make me feel like I'm talking to a second mother I never knew about.

And she was right. If I loved Jacob, I would pray for him, pray for us. If I loved him, I would fill his days with sunshine and honest joy. If I loved him, my struggles would be open for him to know about, but they would be faced with hope and optimism in our savior as opposed to negative attitude and uncertain dismal spirit.

It was a little bit of an awakening. I was just as depressed over Jacob not being with me, but I knew what I had to do when I was in the in between time. I knew what I had to do. I had to remember what I was headed towards. If I did that, I had no reason to be afraid, to be lonely, or to be upset. 

It was just about that time that Jacob and I finalized what would secure a little more hope in my proverbial pocket. Jacob and I scheduled trip #3! Before I knew it, I would get him back. And this time, Aubrey was coming, too! July 24th was the magic day that would kick off a magic week. A whole. Week. I was going to get Jacob for a whole week! I was stoked, impatient, and wild to see my friend of boy again.

He was coming back. It was official. Little did I know, however, just how soon this third trip would sneak up on me. Little did I know what a sneaky friend of boy I had. Little did I know just how different this third trip would be. Little did I know what God was about to do.

And even as I sit here I typing this, I still don't know why. Yet, even if I never find out the reason why for so many of these things, I trust. I trust. I love. And everything else I leave to God.

Trip #3 would be filled with growing pains, big smiles, lots of tears, and some surprises, but it was going to be worth every penny I'd saved to date.

Part Twenty Two: Of Dojos, Wild Life, and Second First Meetings

"Making my way
Through the crowd

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder...."

-Vanessa Carlton

So what happened in between then and the next visit? Phone calls, a few (or a lot of) tears, trip planning, teaching classes, crossfit, finishing college, cheering on Jacob through tests, google hangouts to pick out clothes, emails, texts, and some daydreaming about seeing my main man once again. 

I made sure to make my hands all feminine and womanly
 at Crossfit before Jacob's  visit ;)

That's what happened. 

By now, however, it has been made quite clear how I mope, lament, and sob when it comes to missing Jacob, so I won't go into any more details about that. Allow me to say that the days leading up to Jacob's next visit were long and slow, plodding along at their own speed, but eventually they did lead up to a moment I'd been longing for... seeing Jacob face to face once again.

He would be staying the 30th of May to the 3rd of June after he and his dad drove from North Carolina. I didn't really care how they came or how long they stayed. I just cared that he would be coming.

Here was the game plan: Jacob and his dad would show up around 4pm at the dojo. From there, his dad would go to watch Tim's playoff baseball game while Jacob stayed to watch me try to teach classes.

That Thursday of his arrival, I could barely focus. I had to teach morning bootcamp, write curriculum, and focus in on work, but knowing that he would be coming that afternoon was just too much for me. To make it worse, Jacob refused to tell me when exactly he would be arriving. 

Yes. He is a jerk.

Through nervous hours that dragged on forever, through hoping I looked pretty enough, through praying, through adrenaline rushes through my whole body at the thought of him coming to the dojo and actually, really being in NH, it was a long day. 

The day before Jacob's first visit in NH.
Can you tell that I was ready to see him again?

And no, I wasn't entirely worried about him not telling when he would show up. You see, I was a bit of a jerk myself. I knew the doors to the dojo were locked. He would kinda sorta have to tell me when he showed up. Mhm, I'm a good girlfriend!

And a bit earlier than 4pm (okay, it was at 3pm), my phone went off and I completely freaked as I answered.

"Um, excuse me madame, would you mind opening the door?"

And that's when I knew my evil plan had worked in terms of the locked dojo doors. I quickly agreed to open the doors and hung up. But for a second I froze.

Jacob was outside my door. He was right there. He was in NH, he was in the same city, he was real.

I forced myself to walk over to the door within nothing but my minute amount of courage and my dojo garb... and there he was. He was here. He was right here. 

I grinned a bit too much as I unlocked the door and promptly hugged him. Looking back, I suppose it would have been more polite to let him step in the doorway first and not leave his dad standing outside of the building, but I couldn't think straight. It had been so long, but in the end I guess it hadn't been that long after all. He was back with me. All those long nights and days without him melted into nothing as I realized that all the waiting and all the anxiousness had come to an end. 

I'd been waiting, but I didn't have to wait any longer. Jacob Clifton was real for the second time in my life.

It was different this time... meeting up. The first time we 'met', it had been a nervous and frantic feeling. I didn't know what I was going to face, I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know if it would be good bad or great. This time, however, I knew exactly what was coming my way. Wild and mischievous blue green eyes, work out muscles, ironman sunglasses, and that goofy, heart melting smile. I guess that's why I simply hugged him. There was nothing else to really do. That simple gesture conveyed more emotion and meaning than a thousand words. It was simply so wonderful to feel a real person against me, to hear a voice from a person and not from a phone. 

It was him, and that was enough.

In all my giddiness, we immediately went on a tour of the dojo. I don't remember half of what I said or if it was intelligent, but I babbled on and on about the dojo, when it started, what was what... but the whole time, I wanted nothing more than to jump on Jacob and squeeze the air out of him via one ginormous hug. Yes. One hug was enough. But goodness, two would be even better!

Unfortunately, we were at the dojo and students were showing up. My family showed up momentarily to say hello and escort Jacob's dad to the baseball field for Tim's playoff game. I was trying to mentally get myself ready for classes. So far, so... okay. It wasn't great, but I was more determined to teach my best classes in front of Jacob than worrying about messing up. 

Oh, I did like looking out into the lobby and seeing him watching me through the glass. Just seeing his cute face from the other side made me jump. He was here, alright!

I started getting ready for class and began the pre-class routine of Simon Says and any other game the kids found interesting that day. I did my best, but I kept looking out into the lobby. Yes, I was looking out into the lobby because Jacob was there, but I was also looking out into the lobby because of another person.

Cue the arrival of my friend, Kaitie.

Kaitie had been gracious enough to take me up on my dare of arriving at the dojo and sitting next to Jacob without introducing herself. However, from what I could see, she was going above and beyond. Kaitie had not only graced the dojo with her presence, but her presence donned in her 'homeschooling mother' dress and sunglasses. Very inconspicuous, but I never said she couldn't dress like so. Hm. Legalist. 

From the other side of the glass, I watched Jacob and Kaitie cause a ruckus in the lobby. Bags of rice were thrown, sunglasses went on and off, and Lord knows they were talking about me. Goodness. 

It took all my focus to keep myself from staring out in the lobby during every class I taught that day. Jacob Clifton was out there looking every bit the handsome guy I remembered and I couldn't help but want to stare.

Classes did end eventually and I went out to my guy- a bit sweatier, more hyper... the works. Kaitie had to tell me at least once to keep my voice down. I was thoroughly obnoxious. In the lobby, walking to the car, exploring Kaitie's apartment, driving back to the dojo to get Becki from her class, and finally driving home... I wasn't sure if it was real. I felt like it was there was no way Jacob could really be with me.

Throughout it all, I was freaking out about the fact that it was 90 degrees and I was in sweatpants (and sweating like a guy.... a gross, nasty guy) and the fact that Jacob was going to be IN MY HOUSE. It seems silly to be nervous about it looking back, but I was so, so nervous about everything. 

What if he thought my family was completely freaky? What if he thought my house was freaky? What if he thought I was freaky for thinking he would think those things were freaky?

Gosh. Freaky.

But luckily dinner went by uneventfully. I smacked toes with Jacob under the table and secretly lamented my sweaty state and hoped to high heaven I didn't smell like BO. It felt weird. It felt... different. I think having only been with Jacob once before, I was grasping at straws in terms of determining what this second first visit would be like. 

But everything was alright. It was more than alright. Despite my mind not fully accepting that Jacob was real, I was still game for a game of basketball (no pun intended) with the neighbors. I was tired, emotionally drained from waiting for Jacob all day and trying to teach, but I was able and ready for wandering around my street, barefoot, with spaghetti-like wet hair, and a mitch-matched outfit, just in the name of saying tired and stupid things while poking Jacob's hair.

By 9:30pm, when Jacob's dad said they had to go home and get some sleep, I watched their van pull away and wonder if it was real, or imagined. I was left with a kitchen full of dirty dishes, a table full of crumbs, and a heart full of excited confusion. He was here. Now he was gone. BRING HIM BACK!

I must have been tired, because I felt just a twinge angry that he was gone already. Somehow, I felt like that was it. I couldn't wrap my poor mind around the thought of him coming back. I was so used to him coming and going quickly and not getting to see him, I had to convince myself that I WOULD see Jacob tomorrow and that it WOULD be okay.

Back to wandering around the kitchen. Back to wandering around the dining room. But wait a second...

Sitting there on the table was a pair of white Ironman sunglasses. Jacob had left them by mistake. 

And in my moment of doubting whether or not this was real, I knew it was real. Here was the proof. Somehow, God knew I needed that proof. How? Duh. He's God.

I quickly texted Jacob to tell him I was holding his glasses for ransom and that I missed him already. 

My dad told me Jacob would be with him tomorrow for some 'bonding time'. Is that what all dad's call it? ;)

I told Jacob what my dad said.

Jacob acted cool about it, but I could picturing him cringe. I was cringing. Why? I don't know.

My dad said I should get to bed. 

I said I probably needed it.

And crawling under the sheets that night, I lay awake pondering how lucky I am, how tomorrow would be a new day, how tomorrow would be an untold adventure, how tomorrow would be a chance to get Mr. Wonderful all over again.

Yeah. Things were going pretty okay. Really okay, actually. And I knew things would only get better. I just didn't know how much better they would truly get.

I had no idea.

Part Twenty One: Of Leaving and Feeling Alone

"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do..."

-Daughtry 

The next morning was hard. Very hard. I was running on too little sleep, I didn't want to go anywhere, and the reality of leaving Jacob was setting in fast. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I was a part of someone else. For the first time, I felt like a part of something bigger.

Around 6am, I helped my mom and sisters pack everything up. There was a cold feeling in my chest that wouldn't go away as I surveyed the dark living room. I'd only been here for a short while, but I was going to miss this place so, so much. 

There was a rigidity to my movements. Mentally, I knew I had to leave. On the inside however, I wasn't ready. I couldn't leave. The pain of watching Jacob drive away was still all too fresh. How could I possible move on? I didn't want to drive away. I didn't want to fly away. There had to be someway I could avoid this.

But there wasn't anything else to do besides pack up the car, turn off the lights, and lock the door. There was nothing else. There was just an empty house, an empty heart, and miles to drive. I hadn't the time or ability to stay any longer. All the sand had run out of the hourglass. All the minutes had run off the clock.

It was still dark as we drove away. Even as the sun did come up and even as the miles past, the hole in my heart didn't go away. Every inch that took me further away from him hurt just a little more.

The radio was on and "Life After You" by Daughtry was playing. I couldn't really take the irony and yes... I started crying (not surprising, considering my past experiences). We were about 30 minutes into our drive to the airport.

I was going through the motions as we got closer to leaving the state. I texted Jacob, called Jacob, and thought about Jacob. By the time I was on the plane and watching North Carolina disappear into a green haze beneath me, I was completely gone. I was surrounded by strangers and unknown faces, but I didn't care. I closed my eyes and tried not to cry, but still the tears escaped despite my best efforts. I tried sleeping, I tried to think about something else... but all I could see was Jacob everywhere I looked.

Every second I lamented the distance that was creeping back between us, but despite the protesting in my heart, there was nothing I could do. This was it. We were back in New England. The trip was over.

The drive home from Boston felt just as bland and empty as everything else. I still couldn't believe how fast everything had happened. Jacob was gone, and I was alone once again. How could I have been by myself for so long and not have known that there was a piece missing in me?

Driving home from Boston in my car, Burton Gasket.
Yes. That's what I call my car.
Sometimes I call it Gus or The Strawberry, but you know.

And before long, it truly was just a memory. I was at my house once again. I was unpacking. I was getting ready to return to normal life.

Still, I wandered around the house I'd lived in for so long feeling like a stranger. This house would never truly be home again. North Carolina wasn't my home. New Hampshire wasn't my home. Where was home? 

I didn't know anymore.

I was glad to see my brothers and dad again, but I dreaded the thought of trying to go back to teaching and school the next day. There was no way I could move forward. Yes, I had to return to New Hampshire, but I couldn't return to the way things were. I just couldn't. How could I when I was suddenly so aware of that missing piece?

I wish there was something to say that could accurately describe those days after our first meeting. It was hard. It was very hard. I struggled, cried, prayed, wondered, cried out, and had days that I barely survived. I would wish desperately I could collapse and just forget about the world, but that wasn't an option. I had to be strong on my own. It was all I had. It was what he would want.

A month passed slowly but surely. People around me told me I seemed different and to be honest, I was. I was deeper. I felt more matured. I had experienced a love that I never knew could exist. I was in awe of a romance that crossed state lines, changed opinions, and broke down barriers. I was in awe of a God who was putting me through a pain so real, beautiful, and hard that I couldn't fully understand why or how. All I could do was trust in the fact that God wasn't done with us yet.

It was now April 7th, 2012. It had been a rough weekend. What had started off as some late Saturday evening pangs of aloneness grew and grew until I could practically taste the anxiety. I could feel it rubbing holes in the sides of my stomach. I could feel it beating down the walls of security around my heart. I didn't want to burden Jacob with my insecurities and loneliness.

I stayed up too late Saturday night talking to Debbie, crying over my keyboard, and not sleeping. I was exhausted. My head still hurt from a training sustained concussion, and I was worn out from the previous week. Go to bed. Please.

But even in the morning I wasn't feeling better. I felt empty again. I tried to reason with myself by saying I shouldn't miss him this much. I tried to make myself believe I was being a silly, emotionally stirred up wreck, but it wasn't working.

I missed Jacob. A lot. Nothing could console that.

He texted me around 9am. I was washing dishes and doing laundry while 3 sick kids hung out in the living room. My parents and Tim were getting ready to go to church while I prepped my role as home nurse. I wanted to match his cheery outlook, but I was torn. Should I go along and pretend I'm okay? Should I admit I still felt awful? I chose to be honest, however depressing.

We struggled back and forth via text in trying to make me feel better, but eventually he just called me.

"Will you promise not to kill each other if I get on the phone?" I asked the sickies from their stations on the couch.

They promised and I ran to answer my phone.

Within the first 5 seconds of hearing his voice, I was tearing up again. His poor, scratchy, sick voice... he had been sick for a few days now. He told me to find somewhere to sit and to close my eyes. I did just that, but the hot tears were leaking out nonetheless. 

He prayed for me. He prayed for me like I needed to hear. If there was no other reason I would love Jacob Clifton, I would love him simply for how he prays for me. He knows just what I need to hear. He doesn't say it for that reason, though. He says it because he believes it. He says it because he is a man of God who has conviction and loves me for who I am.

I felt like trash. I felt like a disaster. I felt worn out, sick, helpless... but he prayed for me nevertheless. Unfortunately, the wild carousing I could hear from upstairs reminded me that I needed to end the phone call. Still feeling decently hopeless, I said a solemn farewell and wiped the tears from my eyes to deal with whatever chaos was happening. Why? So I could get on the phone with Jacob again, of course!

I called him back to remind him none of what I was feeling was his fault. None of it. It was just so, so hard... but he knew that. We tried to make each other feel better. We laughed as best we could. We reminisced. We reminded ourselves of why this was so important. Hang up the phone again and go back to texting. Try to make yourself feel better, try and try again.

We were both shaken up. We were both crying because of how utterly and completely lost we both felt.

I prayed. I don't even remember what I said. I do remember ending the prayer and as we both fumbled for anything to make the other feel better, I managed to say the following: "Hard things take hard people. You and I are hard people. It took a lot for God to change us. And if we can withstand God working on us, we can withstand this."

I don't know where that came from, but it made me feel better, anyway.

"There's something I need to tell you," he got out.

"What?"

"I'm coming."

"What!?"

"I talked to my dad. In May. I'm coming in May. I'm coming for you, Beth."

Oh my my my.