Part Three: Of Being Afraid and Antagonizing/Interrogating Mr. Jacob Clifton

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; 
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
-Winston Churchill

I was about up to my eyeballs of simply talking to this boy for no reason. I don't like to do things for no reason. I like having goals, I like reaching for things, I like figuring out what's going on and why. I mean, I promised myself I was going to be myself throughout this thing. I promised that I was going to be honest. And hey, if I was going to be honest, I might as well fill him in, right?

On June 26, 2012, I was done with the small talk. I very simply, if not obnoxiously, asked him why he was talking to me. I was scared. I was very scared. I didn't know what he would do. I was the girl, and I was bringing this up first. I wasn't scared, actually. I was terrified. But, I tried to gather up what courage I had and sent him a PM which subtly asked what was going on.

.... You said you'd respond soon huh? A likely story. What, you enjoy spending time with your family, becoming a member of society, and educating yourself? Huh. To each his own I guess.

Anyways, I can't talk, but I thought I would stop by and say if you were closer, I would kick you. Why? Dunno... just because I want to do what I can't do. And I can't do that.

I leave you with a serious question, because despite my silly outward appearance, I do have a few moments of sincerity. So.

What is all this to you Mr. Clifton? This conversing between you and I, that is. Is this how you talk to all your friends, or am I the only one who receives such communication? Or is this my own fault, and I'm just looking through the world with j.c. colored lenses and getting my brains turned into bubble gum by talking to you. ;P

Actually truly sincerely,

Bethie (:

It was mildly humorous, but the question was there. I had done it now. All day I waited for a response, my insides slowly turning into something like melted cotton candy on a warm sidewalk.  I just wanted to get it over with. I just wanted him to speak up. He would say he was talking to me because he liked me, right? Why else would someone talk to someone else of the opposite gender all day long, every day? They wouldn't just do that simply because, would they? 

I knew the answer was yes to the second question, but I wanted to believe Jacob wouldn't do that to me. Would he? 

After a long and antagonizing day of teaching, I waited up at my computer, desperate for an answer. At 10:04pm, I got my answer. Just... not what I expected.

Well... I don't have much time to talk, so I'll answer the most important thing on that pm...

Kid, I'm going to be honest. I'm not one for internet friends. They really don't work out, and I'm pretty skeptical of the whole thing.
But this has had me having second thoughts. I really like you. You're fun, sweet, kind, virtuous, intense, etc etc. I don't know exactly how to answer that question with words, but let's just say that I wouldn't be able to just stand up and walk away from this relationship. Not at all. It means a lot to me...
Sarcasm and all that aside, you are very special to me. I'm not in love, that would be foolish. But I do find you very intriguing, and count you as a very close (and attractive) friend.

I cant talk tonight, I'm so sorry. I've been gone all day, and I'm doing stuff with my family now. Talk to you soon kid!!! =)

Well. I didn't know what that meant. I was on the fence about it. Part of me wanted to scream and shout and tell myself that what it meant was YES- yes, he liked me, he just wouldn't come out and say it. He was being logical, like me. He was being smart, understanding that after only 19 or so days of talking, it was dumb to say you liked someone. Especially someone you've never met. 

However, the other part of me cringed inwardly. Dang it. He played the 'friends' card. Dang it. But he said it meant a lot to him! That's something, right? 

But no, because I live a zillion miles away. Do you really think he waits up to talk to you like you do for him? Do you really think he checks his inbox every chance he can to see if you sent him something? 

No. Probably not. 

My insides were not doing much better. Still something like melted sugar on a stick on a sidewalk. All my gutsiness was used up, or so a sane person would guess. But no, I wasn't done being blunt and awkward. I had a few more pieces of china to smash in the closet. I wrote him back.

Don't be sorry, I actually need to go ice just about everything- I got thrown tonight and my back made the grossest crackling sound, ugh... and now I'm a little bit in pain. I'l leave it at that, because I don't want to be a wimp.

And okay, I hope you didn't mind me asking that, because it was kinda up front. I just know its never wise to devote too much time to anything if it doesn't have a purpose, whatever that purpose is. ESPECIALLY with internet buddies, because well- so much is misconstrued via online messages and things spiral in directions that were never intended.

However. Because you were honest with me, I shall be honest with you.

I don't think I would be able to walk away either. In fact, you are the first guy I've talked to (in real life or not) who actually lines up with what I think a real Christian guy should be like. Okay, so I live in the spiritual wastelands, but still =P You seem genuine, unlike every other guy I've met who preaches about being Christian, then goes and gets wasted in one way or another. You are super funny (whether you think you are or not!), charming, just as intense (if not more!) as me, did I mention funny?, determined, and creepiest/coolest of all, we have the same birthday. That still creeps me out a little. Yes, you sir are also quite intreguing and I'm finding myself more and more curious... I must peel you back like layers of an onion. Also, when I first saw a real picture of you, I was like ah.... WHY DO ALL THE CUTE GUYS LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. And just fyi... I may or may not have been all "Oh gosh, how the heck is a guy this good looking talking to me??" When you sent me that first pm. Just saying! 

I think if I had the chance, yes- I would hop on a plane and go to meet you, because as cool as pming is, I'd love to meet you in real life. I've never had the urge to go and meet someone in real life after meeting them online, but- who knows. I suppose if I randomly find out I'm going to NC for some odd reason, I'll take it as a sign.

I agree. Internet romance usually doesn't end well. However, I do believe we were meant to meet... why? I don't know why exactly... but I just wanted to know where things were on your end. I'm glad to see we're in the same spot then.

Sorry for the novel. So so sorry... you'l wake up tomorrow and want to throw your computer out the window when you see this. But. This is my last comment of honesty. If you lived closer, I would SO randomly show up at your house, because the more I've gotten to talk to you, the more I realize how similar we really are- and I think in real life we might cause a nuclear explosion.

Alright. I'll try to shut up now. Just know that I had to get that out in the open, because my parents were like, "Are you okay??" And what was I gonna say? I couldn't exactly yell "JACOB! IT'S HIS FAULT! HE CONFUSES ME!"
So. Now I can sleep in somewhat peace. And rest assured, I made sure to eat ;P

Goodnight fellow intriguing person! Maybe tomorrow I'll run into you... until then, just be praying about this whole thing! (: Thank you for the honest answers, I appreciate it.

See you tomorrow! Watch out for the flying scorpions.

He would either shoot me or love me and I wasn't sure which one. Whatever happened now, at least I had been honest. I had done my part of the deal. 

As much as I loved talking to Jacob, I wasn't going to keep talking to him for no reason. It's not healthy for a guy and a girl to do that, and I knew that as well as anyone. I was going to find out if he wanted to keep talking before I dove any deeper. I liked him, but I didn't need him talking with me for no reason. If he wanted to talk to a girl for no reason, he could find someone else. I was here to go big or go home. 

He would surely respect my honesty and my raw questioning. I just wanted to know what he was doing. Was that so wrong?

I waited to be ripped from limb to limb via some huge, hulking, PM. Instead, he wrote back in quick, short little answers, almost as if he was ignoring the messages entirely. I was confused. Didn't he understand how much courage it took for me to write that PM? 

Among the duel bantering, I mentioned again that I was sorry if my messages were forward. He avoided my apology and changed the subject again. I let him. I continued to talk to him and quip about silly nothings, but inside I was flaming up. Couldn't he just tell me? Couldn't he just say yes or no? Stupid boys. Stupid, stupid boys.

Sometime later, he did write me back. He broke up my messages and responded to bits and pieces, all with short, uninterested answers. He clearly didn't want anything more than to be friends. I could see that now. 

But why then was he so set on constantly talking to me? Stupid, stupid boys. This is why I vowed to stay single forever. It was boys like Jacob Clifton that made me vow such a thing in the first place. All they were after was a feel good. Well, I wasn't going to give him that. 

Yet, I didn't want to stop talking to him. I didn't. I told myself that I would if he was going to be a pointless, dead end kind of guy, I wouldn't keep talking to him. But... I had to. The thought of not talking to him tore me up inside like nothing I'd ever felt. Why? Why did I feel like this?

There was only one thing I could do. 

I had to make Jacob Clifton fall in love with me. Considering up until recently I vowed to stay single forever, and considering I hadn't much experience in the 'make a guy fall in love with you' department, I was going to fail with flying colors.

Luckily, God had a few tricks up his sleeve. You don't think my fumbling, ridiculously bizarre personality made me attractive, do you? It was an act of God, clearly.