Part Nine: Of Letting Go and Letting God

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” 
-Corrie ten Boom

I've been told I'm a good actress, particularly off the stage. My mom always tells me I don't have to act like the whole world's a stage 24/7, but sometimes I can't help it. I like being exactly who I am: lively, animated, exhaustingly energetic, and always laughing.

After I hung up the phone talking to Jacob however, I knew it was going to be a challenge to act like I wanted to be at the dojo. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. For all I knew, Jacob might not ever talk to me again. He was probably mad at me. Maybe he would think I really wasn't worth his time.

What had originally been a plan to make 'Other Girl' think twice about Jacob turned out to be a horrific backfire. I felt like trash. Jacob sounded angry and frustrated. 'Other Girl' was probably the only one who felt good at the moment. So much for me taking her down. I had been completely blindsided.

Classes dragged on forever and ever. I wanted to escape. The air was thick with uncertainty and I couldn't breathe. It took all my power to act like I was happy. It took all my power to smile. 

God, please let me get through this.

The sea of little martial artists, parents, and instructors washed up and over me, but it couldn't pull me out. I was stuck firmly on the shore and unable to get out of my head. High fives, the same old lesson plans, and tightening endless belts. Move on, move on. The day wasn't going by very quickly at all.

Just when I thought I would explode, classes finally did end. I wearily made my way over to the office to get my bag and get out of there. As I hefted my bag off the floor, I saw I had a new text message.

Beth, I can't tell you how sorry I am. We're not in a relationship, but I was not careful enough. I'll talk to you tonight. Stay with me girl, I won't let you down.

The text was from 4:07pm. I felt wretched, dirty, and horrible. I wanted to run all the way to North Carolina and tell him I wasn't going anywhere, that I loved him, that I didn't give two nickels about what 'Other Girl' said. This was all my fault. I wished I could make everything better, but I honestly had no idea how. I texted him back and told him I would call him as soon as I could.

I don't really remember anything until I did finally call him around 8:30pm. I was pretty disastrous by that point. Everything in me was shrieking to just hear Jacob's voice and know he was okay. I ditched all my dojo baggage and slumped against the side of my car. The pavement beneath me was unfortunately cold, but my bare toes didn't really care. A t-shirt in October in New Hampshire might sound crazy to some, but I could've cared less about the temperature. I dialed Jacob's number and waited.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. As Jacob explained what he knew and I told him what 'Other Girl' had said to me, it really, really hurt. It hurt both of us. He told me about how he had all but not cried while studying that day, how the whole day had been horrible. I took the blame for that and let him know I felt awful. I also let him know it had been the longest teaching day of my life because I had been too busy worrying about him. Let the sniffling begin.

Oh, how I had worried about him. So, so much.

We talked forever, both of us expressing how scared we had been. Jacob was adamant about how it wasn't anyone's fault that all this had happened. I could hear his smile when he reminded me that someday we would look back on this mess and realize it was just a silly misunderstanding. I told him I wished he was there to hug and not let go. A slight breeze was causing me to shiver a bit underneath the October stars, but my heart was warmed by the thought that despite everything, I hadn't lost him. 

I closed my eyes and held onto the moment. He was still trying to make sure I understood that he did care, that 'Other Girl' wasn't an issue, and that he was so sorry. I knew he was sincere. I knew he meant every hard fought word.

"Hey... I trust you," I assured him softly.

"No other girl would go through something like this and still trust me," he remarked quietly.

Well. I didn't care what any other girl would've done. 

I'm not any other girl. 

I'm Beth Kneuer and I'm madly in love with Jacob Clifton. I'm madly in love with the way my phone lights up when he texts me. I'm madly in love with his obsession over workouts. I'm madly in love with the way he smiles. I'm madly in love with his sense of humor. I'm madly in love with the way he laughs. I'm madly in love with his beautiful eyes. I'm madly in love with the way he makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. I'm madly in love with his sense of confidence. I'm madly in love with the way he loves me.

Slowly, the darker clouds lifted and we both breathed easier. Neither of us was going to abandon this. We were both so close, even at 1,017 miles apart. 

I could hear him breathing. It would be okay. But things weren't finished yet. On the exhale, things were made safe. On the inhale, things would be revealed.

"Beth, I didn't want to say this. I didn't expect to admit it... but Beth, you mean a lot to me. THIS means a lot to me. Because... I love you."

Somewhere in the middle of all the gloom and uncertainty over what had happened, he said it. He had said it. I couldn't believe what I had just heard.

I love you. 

But there was more.

"There. I said it. You dragged it out. I don't want to fear about what's going to happen, because you mean a lot to me. More than I ever expected. And I don't know what's going to happen, but I sure as heck am not going to let you go because of a silly misunderstanding."

My ears were still ringing.

"... you love me?"

"I do... I love you, Beth. Even if I don't exactly know why."

I don't know that either of us knew why or how either of us could love the other. Two kids who had never met... yet there we were, kicking logic out the window and feeling fine about it.

How such a terrible day could end on a note like this was beyond me. I loved him. He loved me. We had yet to meet, but somehow that missing piece seemed like it would find its way to the puzzle soon enough. Right then, right in that moment, I felt safe again. I felt that even at 1,017 miles away, Jacob was incredibly close.

I was starting to cry, but I wouldn't tell him that. I wanted to listen to that beautiful voice and let it sink in. This boy didn't want to lose me. He had chased me down. He thought I was worth it. I wasn't going to have to move on without him.

I silently thanked God for yet another miracle. I seemed to be getting a lot of those recently.

When we finally said goodnight, I knew things would be okay. Tomorrow, I would be okay. Jacob would be okay. This mess hadn't been able to break us. If anything, it had made us stronger. That night, I prayed an especially grateful prayer for God's protection over both of us. Yet again God was showing me that he was in control over this.

I was still in turmoil at the thought of Jacob being so upset earlier that day. I didn't ever want to see him in any sort of pain, ever. My heart broke at the thought of him being so distraught over 'Other Girl's' careless words. Yet at the same time, I felt immensely and completely amazed. He wouldn't let me go. He could have walked off when things got messy. But he didn't. He had stayed with me. He wouldn't let me go.

Whatever God was up to, it wasn't at all what I had planned for my life. Still, I sensed I ought to trust him. The whole process was causing me to sit back with wide eyes. Every day was a new surprise. 

All this in a matter of 5 months. I could only imagine the next five. Things were definitely not turning out the way I expected...

But oh, they were turning out alright.