Is My Marriage All Daisies?

Hello friends.

It's been a long time and not by choice! Moving 5 times in the first 4 months of marriage can do that to you! Moving 5 times and 2 out of 5 places don't have internet makes said moves even more interesting.

It's hard to believe we're really at 4 and a half months of marriage at this point. The days have flown by and I've enjoyed them all. There have been great days, there have been brainy (yes, brainy, not rainy) days, but not one day has gone by that I have regretted, been disappointed, questioned, or felt let down over what God has so graciously given us.

With that, I would like to address the question a lot of people have asked me recently. It's been worded a lot like this:

"So, is the honeymoon phase over yet?"

"Is your marriage all 'daisies' still?

"Have you found those bad habits creeping out?"

Basically, at the almost half year to year mark, it's customary for things to backslide and for all the boogey monsters to come crawling out of the closets in your marriage. I think?

And Jacob and I usually answer along these lines:

"Things are great! We still haven't fought or argued over anything and really our relationship hasn't changed at all from when we first started dating, so things are very good and we're having a lot of fun!"

And then they usually look at us like we're lying. Usually. So here are my thoughts in detail about all this along with the reasons that our relationship has stayed the same and that we aren't in a 'honeymoon phase', but that we are simply working on a solid marriage:

• We are putting in the work. Much like workouts, what you put in is what you get out. If you want a fantastic marriage, be prepared to put in a fantastic amount of work! It will be hard, often requiring sacrifice that you don't understand our might not feel fair.

• This leads me to point #2, which is don't nag, complain, or read into things. We make mountains out of mole hills because we feel slighted, cheated, or overworked compared to the other person. And yes, although communication is great, when you turn communicating your feelings into a verbal bashing of your spouse, you might as well sling a dunce cap over their head as well. No one likes being belittled, treated like an idiot, or talked to as if they are the reason for every issue.

• Be supportive, encouraging, and helpful, even when you don't feel like it, i.e. "They deserve that!" or "It's their own fault they're in that spot!". If you don't get it, imagine God saying any of the previous things to you when you find yourself in a tough place.

• Let the little things go. I guess this is partially a personality thing, but over all, ask yourself on a daily basis what is more important: that little thing that they do that bugs you or your marriage? Often, in addition, that little annoying thing they do really isn't that annoying! If they don't close the kitchen cabinets every time they go to get something, remind them nicely, but in the end, ask yourself if it's worth it. Besides, you probably do something just like it- you just don't realize it!

• Communicate lovingly and honestly, but not bluntly. Some people sugar coat everything, some people say it exactly as it is. Neither is the best choice, especially in marriage! Share what you feel and think in a respectful manner, understanding and always looking at things from the other person's perspective as well. If you still feel like you're not making headway, pray and leave it up to God.

• Last but not least, compromise willingly, cheerfully, and with a good spirit. Not much else to say about this one!

Marriage is a gift. It is a team effort. It isn't a reality TV show, it isn't a contest, it isn't a fairytale where you are the princess who gets doted on all day or the king who is waited on hand and foot.

It IS royal, however. It IS magnificent. You do get doted on all day and you do get waited on hand and foot, but just not in the ways we always expect. Marriage is all about finding out what those ways are... and glorifying God through what you've been given.

What I Think About Everyone Else's Story

One of the best things about being your own special little person is your story is just as different and unique as can be. Sometimes I feel led to believe my story isn't as remarkable as it should be. Sometimes I feel like everyone else's story is a masterpiece and my story is the threadbare paperback sitting on a shelf at Goodwill for 10 cents.  Maybe sometimes you feel the same.

But then I think about the sticky fingers of humid Charlotte air, the sticky wheels on a rolling suitcase, and the sticky perspiration on the face of a very nervous 20-something-year-old as she stands on the curb, eyes peeled and waiting to see something she's waited for such a long time.

I think about a big old white van driven by a strange boy with a tuft of fluff for hair (which neither of his parents understand). I think about seeing him... see her... for the first time in months.

Maybe you can think of something, too.

I think about joyous revelry upon seeing each other again and melancholy journeys which returned someone to an airport, where someone would take the march among other wanderers to board yet another plane, to once again become a blot on the skyline.

Once upon a time, I begged and pleaded with God to keep me from getting married. And then, I begged and pleaded to end the distance between me and a boy I should never have even met. And now, I find myself begging and pleading once again to answer some of the big questions in my heart as my home is with Jacob but our home is yet to be created.

I find myself looking and finding everyone else's story to be so pleasant and glorious during a time I never expected myself to be in- because even though I am not among the wanderers waiting to board a plane destined for the skyline, I am still wandering. Oh, for the dull parts in our lives. The parts where we are just waiting and waiting for the thrill and answers.

I believe books ought to have all the dull parts chopped right out. Yet, the dull parts are the parts that develop the story. The dull parts are the parts that highlight the spectacular glitter and sensation of the thrilling parts.

And unlike books where the dull parts are set in stone, you have the chance to write these moments and influence them. I have the chance to do that. We all do.

No, we don't have the ability to morph the dull parts into the thrilling parts, but we do have the chance to make them something to look back on with a sense of pride. We have a chance to make them something both glorifying to God and something worth telling again.

I think about a girl scrunched up in a ball on attic stairs built in the 1920's, asking that boy and asking God why God let her feel so alone and stuck waiting for answers.

But it was just a dull part. It was just the development needed for the thrill of a summer full of adventures and a spring soon to arrive that promised a proposal and acceptance of all things beautiful.

Maybe you're in a dull part, waiting for development, too. Maybe you feel a bit like it's never going to end. But oh dear me, this is your story. God gives you the draft and outline. You write. Hold the pen and choose carefully how you embellish each part while you are in the moment.

Be grateful for the good, patient in the difficult, and laughing through the unexpected. It goes by quickly and it is all so, so good.

If you cannot think of anything else during your waiting, remember that :)