Part Twenty: Of Saying Goodbye, Part 2

It's dark. We've arrived. Becki gets out of the car and I can hear Jacob telling me it's time. All I can say is no, no... no. Please no. But still, I know he's right. I numbly climb out of the safety of shotgun for the last time. It's dark but I can see Becki hugging Jacob one last time. I put my computer bag down against the rear tire of the van and hope that this final scene before me is just a dream. I don't want to see this. I'm not ready for this.

Becki turns and walks towards the house. In the darkness, Jacob and I stare at each other with half smiles as if trying to cover up what is happening. A second later my face is buried into him and my breathing becomes ragged with sobs because here in this safety and this closeness, I don't have to go home. 

I am home. 

Maybe that's why this is so hard. I don't want to go back to NH because that's not home. This is home. I'm home with him. I'm home here.

I'm crying now, but I'm not afraid to admit it. Full out, snotty nose, red eyes, smushed makeup, wild hair, ugly sniffling... that kind of crying. I keep my arms locked tightly around him, feeling the pressure against him reminds me that he is real for now and forever. The air is getting colder. The wind isn't strong, but it's strong enough. The silence around us is building, pushing, and pulling us to the point we don't want to reach.

"I don't want to go... tell me I don't have to go," I sob.

He's saying all the right things, he's not letting me go, he's making me love him even more than ever.

"Why don't you pray," he asks gently.

"Dear God... please stop my nose from running," I laugh through the tears. That's all I can do to be funny. The rest is too hurtful to even smile. "Dear God, thank you for putting things together... and pulling things apart..."

About 35 minutes later, we've made it from the roadway to the porch, but still no good. We can't let go. We can only hold onto each other because in the morning I'll be gone and he'll be back to work. I'll be a shrinking dot on the skyline headed back to another world. I'll be waking up wishing this dream could have been a bit more real. I'll be waking up wishing I could have stayed. I'll be waking up wondering why this couldn't have had a different ending.

But sometimes you need a moment of tears for the final happy ending to be as happy as it should be.

In the pale starlight and yellow flicker of the porch light, I can see just how beautiful his eyes really are. Just a hint red from what I suspect to be tears, but not nearly as red as my own at the moment. Blue, green, and gold. The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen and they are staring back at mine.

"I could stay here all night," he says quietly.

"You've got to go, you've got to go," I hear myself respond, but I don't want him to go at all. I want to stay here, my head tipped towards his. We're terribly close and far at the same time.

I'm crying again, sniffling all the way. My face is buried in his shoulder now, my hands locked around his waist holding on for dear life. I'm shivering. He keeps pulling back to see my face and say something to make everything better. 

I slide my hands to his arms and try to believe everything he's saying. I try to steady my breathing before hugging him again. I'm saying 'okay' a whole lot, but it's not okay. It's not okay. He brushes my hair out of my face. Oh, my hair is a mess. I'm a mess. This night is almost the morning. It's not okay...

He turns me to look out past the dark, looming treetops to a canopy overhead.

"You see that star? That's our star. Of course, by tomorrow night, we'll think our star is that star, and the next night that star..."

"Can they all be our stars?" I ask softly.

"This is way better than any stupid chick flick," he remarks with half a smile.

We try to be funny. We try to make the last few minutes before the final farewell as perfect and lovely as we can. There's no denying it, however. 

This is hard. This is going to hurt. This is going to leave a hole in my chest that won't go away, because I won't want to try and fill it with anything else.

"I want my last words to you to be... I love you," he whispers into my hair.

"I want my last words to be... I love you more," I choke through tears and a forced laugh.

"I wish I could come up with better last words."

"What about we just say goodbye?"

I don't remember if I said goodbye or not. All I know is he takes my hand in his and starts to walk to the stairs. I follow him down to the last step. He keeps walking. I stand still. My fingers slip past his and run down his shoulder like they have so many times this weekend. But as my fingers run down his shoulder and hit the empty air, I know that's it. 

No more. No more for now. For now, it's empty once again.

I watch cold and alone as his shadow walks further into the darkness towards that stupid minivan. I can't see anything, but I think he turns and looks back at me. I hug myself tighter, afraid that if I cry he will come running back. I want him to come running back. I want to go running to him. 

For a split second I consider sprinting out into the darkness back into the warmth of his arms.

Not now. Not now. Now I need to be strong and stand alone. I almost change my mind. I almost run to him. 

But the moment is past. He climbs into the car. The tail lights glow in the darkness. The car goes in reverse. My heart goes in reverse.

As he drives away, I watch until I can't see the lights any longer, then slump to the steps and cry like I've never cried before. Why didn't I run to him? Why couldn't I have stopped him? Why, why did I need to get on that plane tomorrow? Why couldn't I stay?

I look up at the stars, at our stars... and it only gets worse.

Soon this night will only be a distant memory, something I can pull out when I need a reminder of what love is and how strong is can be. Soon the chill I feel all over my body will be washed away. Soon the touch of his fingers against my own will be an evaporated dream. Soon he'll be just a picture on a mental shelf. 

For now. Someday I'll never have to say goodbye. Someday I'll be with him forever, every single day I'll be with him.

But until then, it's just me.

I'm heartbroken, but I know one thing with complete certainty.

I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world. Whatever God is up to, it is good. 

I know this. 

The distance is going to hurt me, but I'd rather have this hurt than never have met Jacob. 

Exhausted and still red eyed, I bury my face in the hands that had until recently been entwined with his. 

Under our stars, I cry for all the things I miss so much already.

"Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on..."

You're here in my heart, and my heart will go on.

Part Nineteen: Of Saying Goodbye

"Don't say goodbye
I don't want to hear those words tonight
Maybe it's not the end for you and I..."

-Skillet

We pulled into the driveway and everyone unloaded. Aubrey promptly smacked me in Aubrey fashion. Yep, we were home. I couldn't decide if I should continue on and laugh like it was just another night, or fall to the ground and start bawling my eyes out. My mind had so quickly adjusted to this new place and this new family that I couldn't even imagine going back to before. My heart, however, knew better. 

Time was running out.

As soon as we were inside, we decided we would all finish the night out with one last huzzah. By that, I'm referring to completely collapsing in the basement to the background noise of a movie. Everyone was dead tired. We'd squeezed a lifetime of emotion and adventure into a matter of 3 days, and it had worn us out completely. 

I was in love. I'd known it all along. I'd known it since that first mind boggling day in June. I'd known it all through that hot and horrible summer. I'd known it all through those heartbreaking days in the fall. I'd known it all through those long, lonely winter days. 

But now, I knew it was true. I was at the end of my first adventure with Jacob Clifton. I could now step back and ask myself if it was really, honestly true that I loved him and his whole crazy family.

I'd seen him in real life. I'd seen him tired, giddy, sweaty, weird, wild, and hyper. I'd seen him from a distance, I'd seen him up close. I'd seen him bloodied, I'd seen him leading, I'd seen him quiet, I'd seen him loud. No, I'd not seen everything yet. But I'd seen Jacob Clifton. I'd seen the boy that first made me wonder if maybe my life plans weren't the plans for me after all. I'd seen the boy who'd changed my mind on everything.

And I was in love. I was in love with the warmth next to me that I'd only gotten to experience for such a short time. I was in love with the wild and dancing eyes, the full effort in everything, the football muscles, the crazy hair, the smiles.

But tonight was the end. It's a pity things often end just when you wish they were beginning all over again.

We stopped the movie to go upstairs and bid farewell to my mom and Lydia as they were headed home earlier than me and Becki. And that's when it happened.

Everyone huddled up in the living room to pray over our trip home tomorrow. Charity was holding onto my hand, Melody was squished up next to me... and as Jacob's dad started to pray, I started to cry. Not wild tears of desperate emotion, but soft, silent tears that were mostly held back on the inside. I knew there was nothing I could do and it was killing me.

As he prayed however, I couldn't help but feel blessed. The God who watched me shake my fist and demand a future completely chosen and molded by my own doing was the God who had blessed me with this family, this trip, this new and amazing knowledge that this was my home. The boy standing next to me was my other half in spirit- and somehow, the God who listened to me express my ultimatum of 'singleness or nothing' had blessed me with finding him.

The prayer ended, but the tears were just starting. My heart broke. Completely, honestly, and undoubtedly broke. Watching Charity's trembling bottom lip as she attempted not to cry, watching the tears carve their way down regardless, watching everyone say goodbye and wondering why. 

Why say goodbye? It's not over, it can't be over just yet...

But the rooms are all darker. The sky is black outside, the windows are being closed and covered. The littler Cliftons are climbing the stairs with a longing look back down at me. Charity stops and comes back down, staring up at me through the tears.

"I don't want you to go," Charity whispers tearfully.

"Shh, you go upstairs. I'll be back. I promise. Can you promise me something? I want to you dream about all the fun we've had on this trip. Because I'll be back. Just you wait," I tell her with as much of a smile as I can muster. 

I'll be back, yes. Sure. I hope. But for right now, I feel like I've died on the inside.

I watch her climb the stairs sniffling. I think my heart broke all over again. Turning to walk towards the kitchen, Jacob's mom stops me and tells me just how wonderful it's been to have me visit. She says I'm a delight. I know she means well, but it makes me ache to see all these faces in the dim light of this house for the last time. I know this is the last time I'll see her. I thank her, and just in time- Jacob has grabbed my hand out of nowhere and yanks hard. Down the stairs we go. I pray I locked in that last memory!

Aubrey and Becki are the last ones standing. Jacob's dad joins us for one last partial movie showing. None of us are feeling too chipper or emotionally stable, so it's all we can manage to sit in the dark room.

I'm not thinking about the movie. I'm thinking about all the tears that I'm barely holding back. I'm thinking about how quickly this visit flew by. I'm thinking about all that has happened, all that I've learned and seen. God, please don't let it end. Please.

But time has a funny way of going by much to quickly, especially when you want it to stand still. Somehow, it's already time to go. The show's over. The lights are up and on. It's time to go. Those words I never wanted to hear are on each one's mind. It's time to go.

I give Jacob a horribly pathetic look that is meant to disguise how deathly afraid I am of leaving. I'm not sure if it worked. Up the stairs. Down the hall. It's like a death march.

And while everyone gathers everything together, I'm staring into the dark living room, the dark dining room, the dark kitchen.

"I want to lock in every single memory," I say with a dejected sigh. "I don't want to forget a single thing."

The sad thing is, I know I will. I can't stand that thought. I can't stand it.

And finally, it's time for the final goodbyes. Those of us that are still awake have to part and go our separate ways.

Aubrey hugs both me and Becki. The tears are slowly sneaking out. I know my eyes are going to be a smudged mess before the morning. I'm babbling about how amazing everyone and everything has been, but suddenly and all to quickly, Aubrey is up the stairs and Jacob is nudging me out the door into the night.

Gone. They're all gone now. Jacob's whole family is no more than a memory now. They're gone and I don't know when or if I'll ever see them again. Those words plaster across my mind and I can't stop them from repeating over and over. They're gone. They're gone.

Wordlessly but not painlessly, I get into the ironvan one last time. Every single adventure we'd had during this trip, every single moment together, every single time I felt the shivers because of how real everything was... everything rushed up and forward before my eyes. It was all over... for now. But still, I couldn't shake the fear of this being the last time.

We pulled out of the driveway. Jacob tried to keep things lighthearted. Thank goodness for him trying, because I wasn't able. I was silently crying in the dark and was in no shape to start conversation.

"So Becki, how'd you like Aubrey, Jimmy, and Will?"

"Hm? Oh! Yes, I liked Aubrey and Jimmy," Becki responded good-naturedly.

"But not Will?"

"Oh no! I liked Will too! I'm too tired, I'm sorry," she said giddily.

We all smiled at that one, but that's about all two of us could sincerely muster.

"And Becki, what was your favorite part of the trip?" Jacob asked.

There was a definite moment of dead silence before she responded.

"You... all of you," she said with a bit too much emotion for me to handle.

As I prayed this final road trip would last forever, as Jacob squeezed my hand for what would be one of the last times in a good long while, as I continued to break down emotionally... I knew she was absolutely right. I bit my lip and tried hard not to cry too much. 

She was absolutely right.